DH reported at work

[CircleBaker]

I am stuck between ‘the world has gone mad’ and ‘why did you say that’ so I’d appreciate some MN wisdom!

DH has been reported to HR by a colleague due to a comment he made when she arrived at her desk on a recent morning. He said she looked particularly happy so he joked that she must have ‘got some’ the night before.

Now this colleague is someone DH has worked with for a while and always (in his view) got along with, so he was very surprised to hear of the report.

I can’t help but feel that as much as it wasn’t the smartest of comments, it was fairly inoffensive given they are friendly and it seems OTT to report?!

I'm fully retired and have been for some years, and I agree with everyone else. It's revolting behaviour.

So don't pull the snowflake thing at younger people than you.

I think it's probably best if he joins you in retirement. Never of you sound like you should be part of a modern workplace, and the 'never did me any harm... comment - well, sounds like it taught you to accept a sleaze as a husband, so not sure you came out as unscathed as you think.

I'm a 65 yr old woman and I think that the husband was out of order. Good to know that I'm "woke".

What a wonderful attitude. Do you have daughters, OP?

If your husband’s relationship with this colleague is really as friendly as he claims, wouldn’t that actually make it more likely he’s tossing out these comments on the regular, and making her uncomfortable without realising it? That would explain why she finally said something - friendly banter doesn’t cancel out inappropriate behaviour, it just gives it cover. As a previous poster has said, it might be time to ask yourself the uncomfortable question...what if your husband is that guy?

I also note say you had to put up with all sorts in your time from male colleagues, and you gave as good as you got. Do you therefore think your husband's female colleagues should be expected to do the same i.e. also have to put up with all sorts from him, and be forced to master the art of “giving as good as they get”?

I think it's time to have a real think about things, OP.

But you never really know at work if you have a “good relationship” do you?

You have a responsibility to be polite to your colleagues at work. You don’t have a choice about who you work with so you have to grin and bear people you would never otherwise spend time with.

None of the male colleagues I have hated throughout the years have ever known how I felt about them.

And it’s not “shitty” to report someone for inappropriate behaviour even if they were your genuinely your friend. If anything that makes his behaviour worse.

She was the victim of a misogynistic comment if you can’t see that you’re part of the problem…

So he is a misogynist

Ugh. 'Highly strung'? Seriously?

I bet your H has got form as long as his arm. I suspect the colleague just had enough with this one.

I've worked in male-dominated environments in the city for decades. I know 'banter.' In 2025, there is no excuse whatsoever for men making misogynistic or sexual comments to a colleague, period.

She might be friendly with him at work but he’s crossed boundaries by commenting on her sex life. They aren’t mates, it’s a professional environment. A comment doesn’t have to be said with offense intended for it to be offensive.

I may not have reported it if it was the first time he’d crossed that boundary, although I would have said something to his face. I’d be wondering if there was more to this and it wasn’t the first time he made her feel uncomfortable.

I think you and your husband should reflect on what his comment suggests about women. The lady looked happy, how lovely, but your husband considered that the only way she could possibly be that happy was if she’d ’got some’, maybe she got a nice coffee on the way to work, or booked a spa day for herself… a women’s happiness does not have to be linked to her sex life or to a man. We are not sexual objects to be commented on or joked about. It’s taken women a long time to be respected in professional environments and comments like that set us back.

I would've found that an uncomfortable joke, and it clearly made her uncomfortable, so I suppose it's only fair that he's now been made to feel uncomfortable, too. Now he knows better where the boundaries are in his workplace and can avoid future awkwardness. Sex-themed jokes, however mild, are usually best avoided. They're rarely all that funny, anyway.

When people say things never did them any harm and go on to say they learned to give as good as they got, that IS the harm. They have become so damaged they pass on the abuse.

It’s not appropriate and why shouldn’t she report it. Bet your DH isn’t subjective to sexual comments. There is new legislation we are introducing around this and making sure this kind of thing doesn’t happen, not just responding when it does. Your DH’s comment is a classic example of it. No need for it.

@CircleBaker if you're all but retired I think it's possible your husband will soon be joining you. If he's as cavalier about respect in the workplace as you are I don't think either of you seem to be any great loss.

A male colleague said similar to me over two decades ago ('What are you smiling for? Did you get a shag last night?').

I didn't report him because he was the office bully and I was intimidated by him.

Even after all this time, I regret not reporting him.

Kudos to your husband's colleague for reporting him. It's no more than he deserves.

Chuckling at people who are explaining why it's a sleezy creepy comment isn't a good look.

It's inappropriate, we aren't in the Jim Davidson era anymore.

Personally I hate "banter" it's almost always an excuse for inappropriate behaviour and bullying.
I've also worked in a male dominated industry for nearly 30 years an be ok so glad that this sort of behaviour is seen as unacceptable now. The fact you think that your husband sexually harassing a colleague is acceptable an he has being hard done by and that he thinks she's at fault it's disgusting.

Men call it banter and expect women to simply accept this misogynist bullshit.

It’s not an appropriate comment to be making in the workplace.

I agree that it’s a very inappropriate comment and I don’t think it goes under innocent banter, no way. Male or female industry doesn’t matter here.
As lots of people mentioned it probably wasn’t the first time he made inappropriate comments, she wouldn’t report him for a genuine mistake.
Your comments are also left me wondering that it wasn’t an isolated accident, as your general attitude to this situation is wrong - too forgiving.

So it's actually your DH's colleague's fault for being too 'woke' to appreciate his hilarious and bawdy sense of humour and take it as a compliment rather than him being a completely unprofessional sexist twat?

It's a bit weird to say to a work colleague to the opposite sex. Bit more acceptable if they are a close friend of the same sex.

I don't know how old he is but he's old enough to know better. Just pathetic.

I hope to god you don’t have daughters @CircleBaker

Probably not the first time OP’s dh has made inappropriate remarks .

I'm guessing it wasn't about this one comment. I'm guessing it's because your DH is coming across as sleasy and unprofessional on a regular basis. You still haven't explained how he said she was happy but in the next breath said she was highly strung.

I’d be mortified if someone said that to me at work. However, I’d probably let them off if I liked them and it was a first time offence and it wasn’t in a meeting in front of others. If it was a pattern of behaviour then I’d report it but that’s my personal choice.