DH reported at work

[CircleBaker]

I am stuck between ‘the world has gone mad’ and ‘why did you say that’ so I’d appreciate some MN wisdom!

DH has been reported to HR by a colleague due to a comment he made when she arrived at her desk on a recent morning. He said she looked particularly happy so he joked that she must have ‘got some’ the night before.

Now this colleague is someone DH has worked with for a while and always (in his view) got along with, so he was very surprised to hear of the report.

I can’t help but feel that as much as it wasn’t the smartest of comments, it was fairly inoffensive given they are friendly and it seems OTT to report?!

It's like we're back in the 1970s again, isn' it? Sexist men openly harassing female colleagues, well, just because they can and they get a kick out of joking about a female colleague's private life or mental state.
And best of all, they can call it 'banter' and imply you can't take a joke, or are highly strung, or sexually repressed, or a lesbian.
It's beyond offensive, and I'm so glad women increasingly feel they can call it out for what it is.
"Hey girls, you're liberated now, we can say what we like to you, call you 'birds' or even 'dolly birds' if you're young; frustrated old witches or dried up old cows if you have the temerity to be over 35. Misogynist - who, me?" says 80-year old under manager Ron.
As I say, it sometimes feels as if it's still the 1970s. There's a reason those terrible old sexist, racist sitcoms are no longer shown on TV, or at least, not without content warnings. Shame Ron doesn't come with a warning too.

Women don’t have to put up with anything just because you had to. Fortunately, we’re not in that position anymore.

There’s nothing ‘woke’ about not enjoying or tolerating sexual jokes. What do you think the word means?

Wow, talk about minimising your H's sleazy behaviour. You had to deal with worse so she should keep quiet and sick it up?

I'm willing to bet that the relationship he thought he had with this colleague in their male-dominated environment probably wasn't ever as good as he thought it was. He may well have crossed the line previously for all we know, and this might have been the last straw.

Making uninvited and unwanted comments like that is sexual harassment, and while you and your H might see it as "woke" nonsense, his employers have a legal duty to prevent it.

Maybe your husband thinks he gets along great with this colleague but she’s sick
of his sleazy comments. This may have been the last straw

OMG Highly strung and a crude sexual remark ? Your husband's an idiot and a creep.

It’s inappropriate to use the Lord’s name in vain whether you believe in it or not .

We are probably a similar age, with similar experiences. I too gave as good as I got. But that was years ago and norms have changed for the better. My Gen Z DD is well able to stand up for herself but I wish for streets and workplaces where women don't have to expend time and energy doing so. I dislike the term 'woke'. Most of what is deemed woke is about greater awareness and more considerate behaviour.

The only positive I can see is that you and your husband are well matched.

It's not woke to want to be able to do your job without some old creep commenting on your sex life.

so you only care if there are consequences to his inappropriate behaviour - if not he can make sexually explicit comments all he wants? Do you have sons? Is that the kind of attitude you are imparting to them?

Ew. Super gross. Good for her.

Of course he wouldn't but he did and now he needs to realize it's not Carry On at Work. Those days are gone I'm glad to say.

We did have to put up with all that crap. I was sexually harassed at work, assaulted in pubs /nightclubs, heckled in the street and it was all seen as normal.

im so pleased things have moved on and my dds generation are calling time on this shit so hopefully my granddaughter’s generation wont have to.

I’m really friendly with some of my coworkers but I cannot imagine a world where I’d say that.

No im not. Everyone has different boundaries. Myself, I wouldn't let that sort of thing bother me i have far too many actual problems to deal with. Also in my workplace there is a lot of sexualised banter so im probably just used to it!

"Highly strung".

Fuck's sake! Good on her for reporting him.

So he's blaming her for him being inappropriate.

Your husband is the man that any woman who works with him avoids, he’s the one that any new female employee is told about so she can avoid him. You’re the wife that they all feel sorry for because you’re married to a misogynist who has no respect for women.

‘If the worst thing I encountered was a colleague joking about me getting a good seeing to the night before, I’d have been delighted! I’m glad that’s the worst that happens these days.’

The fact that you make comments like this and that you accepted it in the work place only makes it much harder for those of us who have self respect as women and don’t do the ‘pick me’ dance for mediocre men in a working environment. It’s 2025 not 1975.

It’s not the worst that happens to women. That still doesn’t make it ok.

Your comments are entirely reprehensible.

I’ve been working since the 1990s, that wouldnt have been deemed acceptable in any office I have ever worked in.

“Robust banter”
Jesus.

Somehow I doubt this is the first comment he’s made to her of this nature.

I'm really glad she reported him, I worked in very male dominated industry for my early to mid twenties and the amount of disgusting verbal and physical sexual harassment I had to deal with blows my mind now that I'm older. I never reported it partly because I didn't really know any better as it was my only experience of office work and it was unfortunately seen as more acceptable in those days and partly because I was a timid thing and terified of dealing with the fallout. I'm so pleased that women now feel empowered to stand up to this bullshit. The comment made her uncomfortable and rightly so, it was also probably very humiliating for her for anyone who heard to suddenly be thinking about her having sex. Men like this always think they have a good relationship with women they are harassing when in reality the women are putting up with their behaviour to keep the peace.

It’s ‘woke’ to have standards of professional behaviour now. OK.

From the tone of your comments it sounds like you and he deserve each other. Hopefully you’ll both leave the workplace soon and everyone will be the happier for it.

Ah another one who puts up with it so thinks it’s ok…

Do you think hubby would have laughed if she had of snapped back with a comment along the lines of only because it was bigger than his.

So no compunction at all, then. She was just being a "hysterical" female according to him.

You're not painting your DH in a particularly good light on this thread.

I'm OK with a bit of banter like this between (some of my) friends but never ever in the workplace. I always get along really well with male colleagues but this would totally throw me if said at work. It's actually like something you would watch in a sexual harassment in the workplace training video.