DH reported at work

[CircleBaker]

I am stuck between ‘the world has gone mad’ and ‘why did you say that’ so I’d appreciate some MN wisdom!

DH has been reported to HR by a colleague due to a comment he made when she arrived at her desk on a recent morning. He said she looked particularly happy so he joked that she must have ‘got some’ the night before.

Now this colleague is someone DH has worked with for a while and always (in his view) got along with, so he was very surprised to hear of the report.

I can’t help but feel that as much as it wasn’t the smartest of comments, it was fairly inoffensive given they are friendly and it seems OTT to report?!

Oh dear. So he’s made the inappropriate comment and is now blaming her for her reaction by calling her highly strung! My guess is that it was the final straw and he has a reputation for making these sorts of sleazy comments. They probably didn’t get along as well as you think.

Your husband is gross and you don't sound much better.

OP, you need to face facts here. Your H is very likely 'that guy'. The one that at best the women laugh at (not with) for being a creep with cheesy lines, and at worst feel intimidated and upset by, particularly if they are junior or young. He also obviously lacks any form of self awareness that he is that guy, as its completely surprised him that his comment wasn't welcome to his colleague. You will be doing him no favours at all in joining in with him to minimise. The law on sexual harassment at work has been tightened significantly. The best thing you can do if you don't want him to end up sacked is to make sure he fully understands how inappropriate he is and the consequences of that.

I'm usually not one for reporting much but I'd find that vulgar and frankly a really pervy question even if it was a joke. Just because you put up with slimy men saying whatever they wanted to you all your life doesn't mean a new generation of young women should tolerate the same shit.

Oh
Now we have objection to the behaviour being cast as "woke".

Your comments are disgusting.

How is that misogynistic? It could easily have been said both ways .

If it's a very male dominated industry all the more reason to NOT make comments like the one your H made.

It must be intimidating enough for the women who work in the industry working alongside guys with an attitude like your H's without him making overtly inappropriate comments to her face.

He said what???????????

Anyone who says ‘never did me any harm’ reveals themselves as part of the problem.

The working world has changed. Women would prefer to be treated respectfully

You were fine with being treated like a bit of brainless totty

Women nowadays would prefer not to be treated that way

It's not being woke

It's having some self respect

Did your DH say it was out of character for him to say something like that? I mean, it's unlikely that this is the only thing he's said that's made her uncomfortable, isn't it?

Most women are sick and tired, so very fucking tired of a lifetime of inwardly sighing or pretending it's funny. It's not funny, it's dehumanising, objectifying and unacceptable. No more.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

How would you feel if a male work colleague made a similar comment to you?

ETA I see that you've already answered that. Goodness, you do set a low bar, OP.

"Victim"!!! 😂 dear lord

I just hope this is bravado. And deep down you know you’re married to a man with creepy habits that need addressing. I am in my fifties and am so pleased that women are finally challenging sleazy men 💪

Fortunately, things have moved on for women in the workplace and it's no longer acceptable for men to make such sexualised comments in a professional environment.

Yeh cos that’s exactly the sort of thing that women say to their male colleagues 🙄. Happens all the time.

It's an awful thing to say. In my younger years men sometimes said things like that to me too. It's vile and it feels awful when someone says that.
It's extremely misogynistic.

well that explains a lot

But it wasn’t, was it? It was said to a woman, by some grim old man, in a ‘male-dominated’ environment where apparently lines are blurred (whatever tf that means)

So your dh thinks if women are happy they must have had a cock inside them? Nice

The fact that they are friendly does not give him permission to push boundaries. What is it with men thinking that if a women is polite and pleasant she deserves to be subjected to sexual comments. (Or worse)

They are at work, it’s completely inappropriate to make comments like this. Women are made to feel uncomfortable by men frequently but thankfully in most workplaces there is at least some repercussion for doing so .

It leaves a sour taste in my mouth that you are judging the woman for reporting him. Would it have made a difference if you knew she had experienced sexual assault or if she was the 17 year old intern or if she was the only female in a male orientated environment?
She has her reasons to feel that comment needed reporting and it’s actually really important to call this crap out because wether she can manage the comment or not she shouldn’t have to.

Not all men but probably him

Exactly. OP’s husband is disgusting

I mean your dh made a comment referring to her sex life.

Just because it was acceptable at work 20/30 year ago times change. highly strung too. I can see why maybe this is her tipping point.

She is clearly not a banter work mate.

I can give and take sex jokes and banter with friends. But if a random chap at work tried it, it would make me feel pretty awkward probably wouldn’t report it more for fear of me being the one pushed out for causing issues rather than wanting him to be had a word with.

Yes, victim. Problem?