DH reported at work

[CircleBaker]

I am stuck between ‘the world has gone mad’ and ‘why did you say that’ so I’d appreciate some MN wisdom!

DH has been reported to HR by a colleague due to a comment he made when she arrived at her desk on a recent morning. He said she looked particularly happy so he joked that she must have ‘got some’ the night before.

Now this colleague is someone DH has worked with for a while and always (in his view) got along with, so he was very surprised to hear of the report.

I can’t help but feel that as much as it wasn’t the smartest of comments, it was fairly inoffensive given they are friendly and it seems OTT to report?!

I find that this sort of stuff is the straw and camel OP. He needs to knock it off.

Never make a sexual type comment to work colleagues. Not ever.

It's the 'I wanted to wipe the smile off her face because I'm pissed off each time I've tried to drop the hint that The Wife doesn't understand me and we're like flatmates now, we're just staying for the kids, she's walked away' type of comment. It goes with 'bitter' and 'frigid', mostly.

Some of the responses on here are very telling. Trying to excuse this as ‘banter’, claiming she was ‘highly strung’, hope he just gets a slap on the wrist.

It’s bloody exhausting dealing with comments like this and it’s about time those that make them got pulled up. If they can’t act like professional grown-ups in the workplace they have no place there.

I'm assuming she meant that after he made that comment she seemed highly strung.

You need to be respectful at work. My sleezy dentist commented Im either taking out grinding on my teeth or husband! I was speechless. I changed dentist after that. Not nice though these comments.

I spent two years as a consultant working several times a week on a large construction site in the 1980s. There was one other woman working there. Never did any of the men make a sexualised comment to me. Sadly, 40+ years later, there are workplaces where there are still blurred lines for some.

As He’s been reported HR will deal and my advice is he shows remorse. He shouldn’t speak to anyone about the incident and he shouldn’t contact the woman who reported him to talk about it. If he needs to speak to her then it should only be about work matters.

Most of the time I would have found a comment like that from a guy at work I liked and got along with quite funny. But from a guy I tolerated, albeit in a professional way with a smile and occasional friendly chat, I would find it really inappropriate in a testing boundaries sort of way.

So I wonder if your DH has misread the relationship he has with this woman. To be honest, I can’t imagine reporting anything verbal from someone I was actually friendly with at work without at least talking to them first (if only to say WTF?).

I do think guys often think women like them more than we do because we are socialised to be nice and they are socialised to see almost everything as a possible come on.

Oh I completely agree. I also think the tone of what’s okay and isn’t okay has wildly changed in the last 10-15years.

some of the comments that would have been deemed okay and banter when I started as a 21 year old would probably be sackable today!

I think sexual humour is one of the lowest forms of humour. I can’t find it funny in the slightest

If my best friend at work (also in real life) said that to me I'd laugh it off. Anyone else I'd be various degrees of shocked. It's wildly inappropriate.

If they have a good relationship then it doesn't really matter does it? Why would this comment actually harm anyone??? If a colleague said this to me I wouldn't bat an eyelid. A friend reporting me for saying something silly, that's shitty. IMO.

Familiarity is awful.

how does it feel to be married to such a sleazy git?

almost as bad that you don't find the comment offensive - or are you just totally inured to his foul conversation and banter?

No because then he wouldn't have said that in hindsight she seemed highly strung.

Grim. It's like being transported back decades where it was commonplace for people (predominantly males) to engage in sexual 'banter'. It isn't acceptable to speculate on someone's sex life and definitely not something that should be minimised. It's not banter, it's harassment ffs. You sound as bad as him OP.

Wow! Majorly inappropriate from your husband!!

I’m all but retired now - but heck, I had to put up with all sorts in my time from male colleagues. I usually gave as good as I got.

If the worst thing I encountered was a colleague joking about me getting a good seeing to the night before, I’d have been delighted! I’m glad that’s the worst that happens these days.

I’ve never been one to tow the ‘woke’ line, but I do have to chuckle at the modern worker! (It appears we have a few on MN)

Robust banter? Right.

🙄

And you’ve made it worse. Was she on her period, too?

I’m betting your DH is well known as a creep.

Who said its the worst that happens these days?

“Robust banter”? You mean making sleazy, misogynistic comments to a woman in the workplace?

Just because you put up with it doesn’t mean others have to.

Seems an over reaction to me. Depending on my relationship with the colleague I would laugh or inwardly sigh. Would never involve HR.

It's a good thing you're married to each other, it spares two other people from the privilege.

Ah blame the victim for being highly strung…