DH reported at work

[CircleBaker]

I am stuck between ‘the world has gone mad’ and ‘why did you say that’ so I’d appreciate some MN wisdom!

DH has been reported to HR by a colleague due to a comment he made when she arrived at her desk on a recent morning. He said she looked particularly happy so he joked that she must have ‘got some’ the night before.

Now this colleague is someone DH has worked with for a while and always (in his view) got along with, so he was very surprised to hear of the report.

I can’t help but feel that as much as it wasn’t the smartest of comments, it was fairly inoffensive given they are friendly and it seems OTT to report?!

When I was subjected to inappropriate sexual comments in my first Saturday job, all I could do about it was leave and get another one, as the creep in question was the owner of the business.

That was in 1970, and it's beyond depressing to read that some women still think that women should just deal with it themselves. You'd've thought that in 55 years this sort of shite would be a thing of the past.

You have absolutely no idea whether OP's DH's colleague has only been on the receiving end of one comment from him. Maybe this remark was the final straw. It often takes a pattern of inappropriate behaviour before women feel that they have enough evidence to make a complaint. Given OP's posts defending her husband and speaking fondly about a time when sexual harassment aimed at women in the workplace could just be dismissed as banter, she is hardly a reliable narrator.

As we are often told, Mumsnet is a forum for robust opinions and often very vulnerable women in terrible situations are bullied off their own threads with little or no outrage from posters. OP didn't post for advice. She posted for validation that the colleague was unreasonable and her DH was being treated unfairly. Lots of posters quite rightly disagreed with her.

My posts have been about your double standards of defending OP's husband's inappropriate behaviour towards a female colleague while getting upset by the bad language used by some posters. If you think that a post breaks Mumsnet posting guidelines, you can report it.

In the OP he said she looked happy which is why he made the comment, so not highly strung?!

I wouldn't have reported though, I'd have been a bit WTF but put it down to misjudged bantering

I'm not angry at all, not on my own behalf anyway. Just cannot understand how one lady has received so much ABUSE when she asked for advice.

If you took part in that, you should be ashamed.

Not double standards on my part. I'm calling out the double standards of people who think it's OK to dish out abuse online to a stranger while criticising what this man said.

And YOU have no idea whether it was a pattern or whether it was a one off. Didn't stop you sharing your opinion though.

And you THINK that she posted for validation not advice. Does that make her fair game for abuse?

And those posters who have been bullied off their own threads....do you think that is OK?

This isn't a place for advice. This is a nest of vipers waiting to pounce.

Many lovely people on here. But too many are just plain vile.

I wonder if the woman in question would agree that she'd "got along" with him?

For all we know, he could have been pissing her off with his smutty comments for ages. It's hardly the sort of thing he'd go home and tell his wife about.

The problem is there isn’t really advice anyone can give @CircleBakerexcept “There really isn’t any thou you can do-your DP just has to take whatever’s coming to him. But tell him under no circumstances to victim blame.” If she accepted that he’d done something wrong then maybe people would have advice on how she could move forward, but she doesn’t.

Totally agree. So many women on here ready to make aggressive, bullying comments to those who don't agree with them. We are all different! As this thread shows, not every woman has to find the same things offensive. Many women wouldn’t consider themselves to be a victim of sexual harassment based on a one off (as far as we know) comment. Imagine how boring the world would be if we all thought the same way about things! But so many people on here seem to think that being a woman means we all have to think alike and it’s ok to be awful to anyone who doesn’t fall in line.

I'm not angry at all, not on my own behalf anyway. Just cannot understand how one lady has received so much ABUSE when she asked for advice.
If you took part in that, you should be ashamed.

I mean, she was trying to justify her husband sexually harassing a female colleague. While she doesn't deserve abuse she certainly deserves being called out on that.

I wonder if those who think the reporting of this comment was over the top would take the same line if the comment made had been racist or homophobic?

So to clarify, you think swearing online in your own personal time, is the equivalent to sexual harassment in the workplace place? And to be fine with one but not the other is hypocritical?

Interesting stance. It almost defies any logic.

Swearing's allowed on here.

Other forums are available if it offends you.

Literally no one is saying all women need to be alike. People are saying the law doesn’t care about your opinion, sexual harassment is sexual harassment.
Referring to the world being “boring” while discussing whether or not sexual harassment should be allowed in the workplace is ridiculous.

At least my comments are highlighting those who have double standards. Like you.

Swearing and sexual harassment in the workplace is not a double standard.

Oh, so there's a time limit on when we can abuse each other and what kind of abuse is acceptable then? Is it OK if that abuse if from a woman, but not OK when it's from a man?

The double standards are when you think it is OK to verbally attack online, but think a comment in the workplace must be treated differently. You think it's OK for this lady to have been subjected to all kinds of nasty comments because it's 8 o'clock at night and you're doing it in your own time? You think you haven't all hurt and upset her? You felt the need to kick her when she was down instead of offering sensible suggestions?

Most sensible thing you have said so far.

Swearing doesn't offend me. Hypocrisy does.

What nasty comments had the OP been subjected to?

Someone thinking it’s grim to defend and minimise your DH sexually harassing a coworker is not abuse.

Here's one for you to ponder...

Further up the thread, a comment was directed at the OP stating her husband is a w*nkstain and she sleeps with that.

Have you pounced on her for her sexualised remark? Or is that OK because it's a woman saying it? Or because it's on a forum and not at work? Do you not mind sexual remarks aimed at women? Or is it just in the workplace you have a problem? Do you become un-offended at 8 oclock at night in your own time?

People are insinuating that all women should think alike by being abusive and name calling women who disagree with them. In these circumstances I fully acknowledge that if someone was offended and went to HR based on this comment that the law would be on their side to some extent. (I don’t think the OPs DH would be sacked is what I mean by “to some extent.” I’d imagine it would be a “watch what you’re saying” style warning and maybe some additional training).

Any woman who feels harassed by this comment has a right to report it. I personally wouldn’t feel sexually harassed by that comment, I’d probably make a funny comment back, as would most women I have worked with across a variety
of settings and they have a right to feel that way without being abused online too.

What if instead of reporting OP's DH to his employer, the colleague had said 'fuck off you creepy disgusting sex pest, you make me feel sick'? She isn't being a 'snowflake' by your and other posters' standards because she is sticking up for herself and giving as good as she gets and not 'sneaking' to management. However, she is using really bad language which is obviously an anathema to you. If OP had then posted to ask whether the colleague was fair in what she said to her DH, what would you say?