DH reported at work

[CircleBaker]

I am stuck between ‘the world has gone mad’ and ‘why did you say that’ so I’d appreciate some MN wisdom!

DH has been reported to HR by a colleague due to a comment he made when she arrived at her desk on a recent morning. He said she looked particularly happy so he joked that she must have ‘got some’ the night before.

Now this colleague is someone DH has worked with for a while and always (in his view) got along with, so he was very surprised to hear of the report.

I can’t help but feel that as much as it wasn’t the smartest of comments, it was fairly inoffensive given they are friendly and it seems OTT to report?!

Don't be so ridiculous! The 'you can't say anything these days' crew still mourn the good old days when it was ok to sexually harass colleagues and sexist/racist comments were just accepted as 'banter', making the workplace an uncomfortable place for people who were the targets of these behaviours and the butt of the jokes.

My experience of those people are that they can dish it out but can't take it.

But some ppl on here have gone way over the top with assumptions. I've read some really nasty hateful msgs towards op, what IF it was a one off and this woman honestly didn't know what to think of it, she's come on here for advice and been called all sorts, what's the point in these opinion polls and discussions if everyone has the same opinion, it would be really boring for one.

I think the OP made her feelings clear. Her use of language suggested that she felt her husband hadn’t done anything wrong and there was more than a hint of victim blaming.

People shouldn’t be personally abusive but as someone who has been subjected to sexual harassment multiple times in the workplace I can understand why people get angry when people minimise it and criticise the course of action taken.

At the end of the day her husband made an inappropriate sexual comment to a female colleague. The colleague did what she felt was the best course of action.
We shouldn’t be blaming the woman as fault lies solely with him.

We know it wasn’t a one off because OP suggests this is her and her DH’s personality and she didn’t see anything wrong with it, neither does he.
She wasn’t asking for advice she was asking if it was OTT for reposting this sexually inappropriate behaviour and she’s been told no by the majority of people.

Of course she does, because then the man involved could call her oversensitive and carry on as he was before.

I Can’t get my head around people thinking that reporting to HR isn’t ’holding her own’.
I can be very vocal and I have (loudly) called out men in public for sexually harassing me. But a comment made at work? Nah, I’d be straight to HR cos I know there are policies there to protect me and deal with his behaviour.
A workplace is different to being on the street or in the pub - I’m protected at work and I’m going to use those protections.

Not to mention that he definitely sounds like he needs pulling up about it because his reaction wasn’t to say he shouldn’t have said it… but that he wouldn’t have said it if he’d realised she was ‘highly strung’.
Comments like that are insidious. She will probably worry now that everything she comes into work happy her colleagues will assume it’s because she’s had sex.

"Holding her own" sounds suspiciously like "sucking it up" according to the definitions of some posters.

It's basically the same old shit that women have had to put up with for decades. Be nice, don't make waves, don't life more difficult for men.

Why the fuck shouldn't she report the sleazy arsehole to HR if she felt that his comment was inappropriate? Maybe she felt enough was enough.

I have to ask - did she appear 'highly strung' before or after his remark?

It isn't hard at all. I manage it and I'm almost 70. And the reason I manage it is because I'm not a twat.

I agree. All you have to do is pause and think for a moment. If that’s too hard, think whether you would like your 18 year old dd to have to deal with this sort of thing in her first job….

Wouldn't have raised an eyebrow for me when I was a young office worker in 1998 but times have changed.

The sort of man who makes those remarks would really enjoy being told off by the woman he'd spoken to. Icing on the cake really.

It needs dealing with by HR, because the company needs to make it clear its not an acceptable workplace culture.

Oh, well done you on being so bloody perfect!

This website really is a nest of vipers - on one thread alone you've got people name calling, swearing at each other, criticising, insulting, assuming, commenting on people's age, bullying, yet those same people excuse their own foul mouthed behaviour because of their anonymity whilst calling out one man's comment because 'being at work' makes a huge difference.

The people on here who claim to know how to behave appropriately at work - what, they just let their standards slip into the gutter when they have a rant at a complete stranger online?

My point exactly. The amount of nasty comments people have directed at her are unbelievable. She has been balanced in her comments, not once has she risen to the more caustic responses.

People can't draw the line between offering advice and being downright vicious. Talk about kicking someone when they are down!

There are some really lovely people on here, the rest....well, its clear if you ask any question at all on here you better buckle up for the personal attacks incoming!

@Helen1625 You are an abolute joke. You belong to the 'the younger generation are all snowflakes' crew when it comes to sexual harassment in the workplace but you're crying about posters using bad language on an anonymous forum for adults.

If you are offended by swearing and bad language, you can log off or just post on other threads. Women being sexually harassed in the workplace still need to go into work and deal with these awful men. Luckily times have changed and women can now report sexual harassment and inappropriate behaviour and their employers have a duty to act.

No, I'm pointing out the hypocrisy from the same people who didn't find the husband's 'joke' funny.

@thepariscrimefiles you seem to think it's OK for people to gang up on a stranger in the internet, speak to people as if they are pieces of cr*p, yet simultaneously sticking up for the girl in the office who was on the receiving end of one comment. One. How much abuse has the person who wrote this received? Any thoughts on how she's feeling? She asked for ADVICE not ABUSE. But suppose you think she is fair game? And you can't see the hypocrisy there?

Some of you lot on here really are disgusting.

Tbh, there wasn't always a mechanism for getting such behaviour addressed. One organisation I worked for didn't have a sexual harassment policy or procedure until the early 90s.

It was public sector, too, which tends to be quite quick on adopting equalities measures.

"I'm glad that's the worst that happens these days."

Oh dear. It's really, really not. Do you live under a rock?

That’s the point. You don’t have to be anything even approaching perfect to avoid making inappropriate comments to work colleagues! And this is not like using a slightly outdated term or getting pronouns wrong or something. It’s making a blatantly sexual remark. Not something you could possibly do by mistake.

Exactly this. What on earth does being ‘perfect’ have to do with ‘not making inappropriate sexual comments to a colleague’?

It’s not about being perfect though is it?
it’s just understanding a very simple concept - sexual harassment and inappropriate sexual comments have no place in the workplace.

You’ve got very angry because people have called you out for your outdated views on acceptable workplace behaviour.