Page 29 | DH reported at work

CircleBaker · 2025-05-29T15:53:36+00:00

I am stuck between ‘the world has gone mad’ and ‘why did you say that’ so I’d appreciate some MN wisdom! DH has been reported to HR by a colleague due to a comment he made when she arrived at her desk on a recent morning. He said she looked particularly happy so he joked that she must have ‘got some’ the night before. Now this colleague is someone DH has worked with for a while and always (in his view) got along with, so he was very surprised to hear of the report. I can’t help but feel that as much as it wasn’t the smartest of comments, it was fairly inoffensive given they are friendly and it seems OTT to report?!

Cosyblankets · 30/05/2025 06:22

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 17:01

I did ask my DH - he just said she appeared highly strung that day and he wouldn’t have made the comment in hindsight.

Show quote history

I thought he said it because she seemed happy?
So which is it?
Highly strung?
Or happy?
Can you be both at the same time?

ZekeZeke · 30/05/2025 06:26

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 17:35

I’m all but retired now - but heck, I had to put up with all sorts in my time from male colleagues. I usually gave as good as I got.

If the worst thing I encountered was a colleague joking about me getting a good seeing to the night before, I’d have been delighted! I’m glad that’s the worst that happens these days.

I’ve never been one to tow the ‘woke’ line, but I do have to chuckle at the modern worker! (It appears we have a few on MN)

Your husband is a sleaze bag, you do realise that?

Sofiewoo · 30/05/2025 06:28

MyLimeGuide · 29/05/2025 22:35

What she means is it would have been better if the lady could hold her own and say "that's not appropriate and you have crossed a line" rather than reporting him to HR. But know one does that, no one talks anymore, just drama all the way.

Show quote history

Why would it have been “better”?
Man crosses the line in the workplace and it would be better if a woman didn’t report it in an official capacity?
Why?
The poor creepy man’s reputation for being a creep?
How on earth can you think it’s better for women to be silenced? There’s a reason organisations have HR, it’s to deal with exactly this sort of thing.

Sofiewoo · 30/05/2025 06:31

Cosyblankets · 30/05/2025 06:22

I thought he said it because she seemed happy?
So which is it?
Highly strung?
Or happy?
Can you be both at the same time?

Show quote history

Highly strung for him not wanting to make lewd comments in the workplace it seems.

This is exactly why this woman needed to go to HR.

Man makes inappropriate sexual comment or advance, woman does not receive it positively so the man then lashes out in response and rather than being accountable for his own behaviour he gets defensive, aggressive and directs anger towards her instead.

We’ve all seen it before and for the millionth time it’s not appropriate in the workplace.

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 30/05/2025 06:35

Sofiewoo · 30/05/2025 06:31

Highly strung for him not wanting to make lewd comments in the workplace it seems.

This is exactly why this woman needed to go to HR.

Man makes inappropriate sexual comment or advance, woman does not receive it positively so the man then lashes out in response and rather than being accountable for his own behaviour he gets defensive, aggressive and directs anger towards her instead.

We’ve all seen it before and for the millionth time it’s not appropriate in the workplace.

Show quote history

Where has he got aggressive? No where! Dont make things up to fit your narrative about men

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 30/05/2025 06:38

Sofiewoo · 30/05/2025 06:28

Why would it have been “better”?
Man crosses the line in the workplace and it would be better if a woman didn’t report it in an official capacity?
Why?
The poor creepy man’s reputation for being a creep?
How on earth can you think it’s better for women to be silenced? There’s a reason organisations have HR, it’s to deal with exactly this sort of thing.

Show quote history

It absolutely would be better if she could have stood her ground. What happens if there is no HR to run off to. If just snacks of people supporting the narrative, poor sensitive woman gets upset and needs to run off and get someone else th fight her corner.

TimeForATerf · 30/05/2025 06:56

Sofiewoo · 29/05/2025 20:18

It’s not ageism to comment on age as a fact.

Many of the posters supporting the OP’s DH have specifically mentioned being a similar age.

Show quote history

I’m 59, and absolutely didn’t support it, see my post unthread, but because I didn’t give my age I “passed” as someone with a younger outlook? Your comment was ageist.

Sexual harassment was no less acceptable to most women in 1985 than it is today, we just didn’t have the support or laws in place years ago to be protected.

Hoardasurass · 30/05/2025 07:00

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 17:17

I think this is a fair assessment. I forgot to add that it’s a very male dominated industry too, so you can see how lines can be blurred.

Show quote history

No that makes it worse. His assumption that he'll just get a slap on the wrist may well be wrong.
If she's raised this as a formal complaint about him sexually harassing her, which btw is what he did, and it sounds like she has, it could cause him serious problems at work.
If as you say she is one of the few women in his male dominated workplace and his work doesn't come down on him like a ton of bricks she could sue for sexual harassment/sex discrimination and constructive dismissal, for allowing your husband to get away with making his comments or if there's any awkwardness at work due to her complaint and she feels the need to leave her job, your husband may well wind up at an employment tribunal as a sexual harasser.
Quite frankly you seem to be minimizing his abhorrent behaviour towards a work colleague and implying that it's OK because they work together when infact that makes his behaviour worse. Add to that the fact that she's gone to HR about him strongly implies that this is a pattern of behaviour she's had to put up with for quite some time. My only question is whether he's the only one who's sexually harassing her or if it's a workplace problem.
Personally I hope his bosses do give him a formal written warning as maybe then he'll learn to behave appropriately at work

Sofiewoo · 30/05/2025 07:16

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 30/05/2025 06:35

Where has he got aggressive? No where! Dont make things up to fit your narrative about men

Show quote history

Probably when he want from viewing her as happy to highly strung because of his own behaviour. He’s putting the blame on her rather than himself. It’s defensive and aggressive to snap like that.

Nacknick · 30/05/2025 07:25

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 17:17

I think this is a fair assessment. I forgot to add that it’s a very male dominated industry too, so you can see how lines can be blurred.

Show quote history

Think about what you’re saying here. A “very male dominated industry”. So a culture where this kind of banter is commonplace? And she’s finally had enough? It’s astonishing that in this day and age women are still expected to just put up with this kind of behaviour and are seen as “woke” if they complain. Why can’t people (men) just do their job professionally?

ThePoetsWife · 30/05/2025 07:25

ThatDaringEagle · 30/05/2025 00:30

Fwiw, I think the co- worker should have called the DH out on his inappropriate comment, got an apology & promise of no repeats in the future & got on with it.

Instead, she's ignored any credit due their prior good working relationship & gone formal with her complaint from the off. That doesn't allow fallibility, room for foibles occasionally between Co workers, and doesn't really allow for escalating it to a formal complaint in future if it was repeated. Instead she's gone fully nuclear from the off, which is her perogative but makes work and colleague relationships pretty strict & inflexible things imo.

it might be part of a pattern of lewd behaviour - I have worked with men like him and it’s never a one off thing.

well done to that woman for reporting him.

Nacknick · 30/05/2025 07:27

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 17:35

I’m all but retired now - but heck, I had to put up with all sorts in my time from male colleagues. I usually gave as good as I got.

If the worst thing I encountered was a colleague joking about me getting a good seeing to the night before, I’d have been delighted! I’m glad that’s the worst that happens these days.

I’ve never been one to tow the ‘woke’ line, but I do have to chuckle at the modern worker! (It appears we have a few on MN)

Ah…there you go… the “woke” accusation. Just because you had it worse it’s ok?
Jeez…!

EleanorReally · 30/05/2025 07:32

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 17:35

I’m all but retired now - but heck, I had to put up with all sorts in my time from male colleagues. I usually gave as good as I got.

If the worst thing I encountered was a colleague joking about me getting a good seeing to the night before, I’d have been delighted! I’m glad that’s the worst that happens these days.

I’ve never been one to tow the ‘woke’ line, but I do have to chuckle at the modern worker! (It appears we have a few on MN)

but that was the past,
this is Now

we know better now

Motnight · 30/05/2025 07:37

I don't understand why some posters are saying that it's all fine and ok and they dealt with worse?

I'm 60, I have dealt with worse, and I am so glad that women can now challenge this behaviour and be taken seriously.

ShowMeTheSushi · 30/05/2025 07:54

Funny how the focus is on her going to HR, not him making a comment about her sex life at work. Just because he thought it was harmless doesn’t mean she did and if she went to HR, maybe there was more to it or this wasn’t his first “joke.”

She may have been in shock or felt embarrassed in the moment. Plenty of posters here on MN have shared times they were too stunned to respond. Not everyone has a comeback locked and loaded the moment someone crosses the line.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 30/05/2025 07:59

ThatDaringEagle · 30/05/2025 00:30

Fwiw, I think the co- worker should have called the DH out on his inappropriate comment, got an apology & promise of no repeats in the future & got on with it.

Instead, she's ignored any credit due their prior good working relationship & gone formal with her complaint from the off. That doesn't allow fallibility, room for foibles occasionally between Co workers, and doesn't really allow for escalating it to a formal complaint in future if it was repeated. Instead she's gone fully nuclear from the off, which is her perogative but makes work and colleague relationships pretty strict & inflexible things imo.

Do you often forget that sexual harassment is wrong and make inappropriate comments to colleagues?

Lots of women are sick of this shit and sick of the ‘be kind’ narrative. He made an inappropriate sexual comment to a colleague and she followed a formal course of action, which is her right.

Why should she have to deal with it herself? We have laws, policies and procedures in place to protect staff and stop inappropriate behaviour. They are there to support people in these circumstances.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 30/05/2025 08:02

adviceneeded1990 · 29/05/2025 23:00

Agreed. We are fast approaching “scared to speak” territory. I wouldn’t make a joke like that to a new colleague as I wouldn’t know them well enough to judge their reaction, but I 100% would to someone I knew well, and wouldn’t object to that kind of joke being made to me! I work in a school and we have much worse “banter” in our staff room! Also why is a complaint the first move here? Everyone has different responses to different types of humour so surely speaking up and telling the person who is making the comments that you don’t appreciate that type of “banter” and to stop is step one? And if it becomes a consistent unwelcome course of conduct then make a complaint?

Management dealing with this kind of nonsense removes resources and time needed to deal with real problems!

Show quote history

‘Scared to speak’ 🙄
Just avoid making inappropriate sexual comments and sexually harassing your colleagues. It’s not difficult.

If you do find that challenging perhaps the workplace isn’t for you.

MyLimeGuide · 30/05/2025 08:04

adviceneeded1990 · 30/05/2025 00:36

Sorry, what is this colleague a “victim” of? Based on the information we have, it’s one comment. I agree with @QurikySparrowHatrack, in many casual and professional settings this wouldn’t raise an eyebrow, it certainly wouldn’t anywhere I’ve ever worked. Not every woman has to think the same and be offended by the same things. I’m a woman and I’d find this comment inoffensive. If I didn’t, I’d tell him so, not ask my boss to tell him for me.

Show quote history

Exactly, I feel like this thread is teaching women they MUST be offended by this or there is something wrong with them. No. Everyone is different and it's not a big deal. I.M.O.

Sofiewoo · 30/05/2025 08:07

MyLimeGuide · 30/05/2025 08:04

Exactly, I feel like this thread is teaching women they MUST be offended by this or there is something wrong with them. No. Everyone is different and it's not a big deal. I.M.O.

Show quote history

Whether or not you are offended is irrelevant. It’s not appropriate in a workplace, it’s really that simple.

HerNeighbourTotoro · 30/05/2025 08:11

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 17:01

I did ask my DH - he just said she appeared highly strung that day and he wouldn’t have made the comment in hindsight.

Show quote history

Sorry but the comment is vile and disgusting, and humiliating, especially if there were other people around. Good on her for reporting him. Her respect for him is probably totally out of the window.

PurpleThistle7 · 30/05/2025 08:12

It is obviously horrifying to hear something like that at work.

but even if not horrifying for you in particular, this actual woman ‘was’ horrified and has - quite rightly - gone to the people who have the job of dealing with this. Harassment is fairly binary but it is also about the impact. The impact on this woman was serious enough ‘to her’ that the fallout was worth it to her.

I hope all the ‘grin and bear it’ women teach their daughters to fight back - or hopefully their daughters work in workplaces with robust policies and a supportive HR team. We are obviously in a better place than we were in previous generations but there’s still work to do.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 30/05/2025 08:12

adviceneeded1990 · 30/05/2025 00:36

Sorry, what is this colleague a “victim” of? Based on the information we have, it’s one comment. I agree with @QurikySparrowHatrack, in many casual and professional settings this wouldn’t raise an eyebrow, it certainly wouldn’t anywhere I’ve ever worked. Not every woman has to think the same and be offended by the same things. I’m a woman and I’d find this comment inoffensive. If I didn’t, I’d tell him so, not ask my boss to tell him for me.

Show quote history

She is a victim of sexual harassment. Yes, that one comment constitutes sexual harassment and needs to be dealt with.

Just because you don’t find that offensive doesn’t change facts and it doesn’t change the law.

HerNeighbourTotoro · 30/05/2025 08:16

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 17:35

I’m all but retired now - but heck, I had to put up with all sorts in my time from male colleagues. I usually gave as good as I got.

If the worst thing I encountered was a colleague joking about me getting a good seeing to the night before, I’d have been delighted! I’m glad that’s the worst that happens these days.

I’ve never been one to tow the ‘woke’ line, but I do have to chuckle at the modern worker! (It appears we have a few on MN)

I sort of see now- so you got no respect at work and think it's OK for other women not to be respected too, charming.
Would you also say that homophobic and racist slurs are OK because in good ol' days everyone could be homophobic and racist and everybody put up with it?
We should aspire to be better rather than be ignorant. The fact some workplaces are stuck in Middle Ages does not mean it should be the norm.

The13thFairy · 30/05/2025 08:16

Oh, fgs, she 'got along' with him until he said what he did! And as for your minimising - is this what women at work should have to deal with once they 'get along' with a male colleague?

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 30/05/2025 08:20

MyLimeGuide · 30/05/2025 08:04

Exactly, I feel like this thread is teaching women they MUST be offended by this or there is something wrong with them. No. Everyone is different and it's not a big deal. I.M.O.

Show quote history

No, people are pointing out that sexual harassment and inappropriate sexual comments have no place in the workplace. And that there are laws and policies in place to protect all staff.
Whether she found the comments offensive is irrelevant.

It’s not a difficult concept.