DH reported at work

[CircleBaker]

I am stuck between ‘the world has gone mad’ and ‘why did you say that’ so I’d appreciate some MN wisdom!

DH has been reported to HR by a colleague due to a comment he made when she arrived at her desk on a recent morning. He said she looked particularly happy so he joked that she must have ‘got some’ the night before.

Now this colleague is someone DH has worked with for a while and always (in his view) got along with, so he was very surprised to hear of the report.

I can’t help but feel that as much as it wasn’t the smartest of comments, it was fairly inoffensive given they are friendly and it seems OTT to report?!

Nonsense. Most man manage not to make suggestive comments about sex with women they work with. Reporting men who do make them to HR means action can be taken at organisational level. The fact that women have reported to HR is why things have improved for women. Reporting to HR doesn't preclude women also taking direct action themselves by saying something along the lines of 'I found your comment offensive. Don't ever make suggestive remarks to me again.'

All righty then!!! 😅

What she means is it would have been better if the lady could hold her own and say "that's not appropriate and you have crossed a line" rather than reporting him to HR. But know one does that, no one talks anymore, just drama all the way.

You think if she’d have done that he’d have said ‘you’re right, I’m sorry, I’ll never do it again?’ Not in my experience. Chances are he’d have far more respect for a formal warning from HR.
Also, I doubt it’s his first offence. The sort of man who makes inappropriate sexual comments to a colleague is unlikely to only ever do it once. Maybe she’s made her displeasure clear previously?

In 40 years and hundreds of men, I've never experienced this at work. Nor have many women.

I wonder how many times your husband has said similar?

Because its always the same men over and over, not every man once.

The real question is why hasn't someone reported him before? Because he's never done it or because the silly women weren't in silly moods?

Why is it her responsibility to teach him a lesson? Why must she pander to him? Unless he’s particularly stupid, he knows that it’s inappropriate to sexually harass a woman at work.
Actions have consequences and one of those potential consequences is being reported to HR.

Ok, well we dont know as OP has gone, im going by the assumption it was a one off silly mistake (as we all do as humans)

I have been scanning the comments but actually can’t believe anyone thinks this woman has to either ignore it or handle it herself. Not her problem if her coworker can’t keep his mouth shut. I am 100% sure he’s said nonsense like this before - no one just says that out of nowhere.

I am 100% sure my husband has managed to go to work each day without harassing anyone along the way. Because he’s a decent human being and not a disgrace.

OP you continue to get this wrong. I’m not woke at all. I’m not a modern worker (my age will
show that) and I work in a very male dominated industry - not one of these comments or the fact they are work mates make it okay. It isn’t banter that is what you don’t understand. I have spent a career listening to crap like this and rose through the ranks with men who wanted nothing to do with women in any senior position. I put many many many men in their place because they just feel they can say what they want because they are in the majority and it’s banter.

Your continued denial and excuses is tiresome. This is 2025. Comments like that aren’t allowed anymore. Stop trying to blame everyone else - woke, modern workplace, bit of banter, their relationship etc.

What he said was wrong. Period. No it isn’t a hanging offence but the guy needs some serious sexual harassment training and if he has had it (as most companies will do this) then he needed to pay closer attention.

Agree.

And would say the same goes for many men I currently work with and have a laugh with. We’re just not being totally inappropriate in our comments to each other.

Amazing how lots of men understand and can manage this yet OPs DH apparently can’t.

Oh dear Lord. I was desperately trying not to interject here but your comments are so appallingly tone deaf that I have to say something. You do not seem to understand the concept of structural inequality. Where structural inequality exists, equal and opposite structures are required to dismantle it - an example in this case are work place rules and HR processes. Using these processes to your advantage does not make someone weak - it takes strength because, in doing so, they are challenging narratives like the one you’re perpetuating that the only way to challenge inequality is by individuals ‘standing up for themselves’ in line with your own, very narrow definition. In fact, the very narrative you’re perpetuating is the one that misogynist men who are threatened by progress which challenges their behaviour have constructed in order to belittle those who use systemic processes to challenge misogyny. It’s exactly the same in principle as telling a small child not to go to the teacher about a bully because it’s ’snitching’, or telling a woman not to report a sex crime to the police and instead simply deal with it by a display of ‘strength’. Yes, it does take strength to tell someone to fuck off (I’ve done it many times myself) but, ultimately, all those individual ‘fuck offs’ do not add up to meaningful societal change. Any sociologist will tell you that what shifts things is rules; what shifts things is legislation. Workplace legislation now exists so that women don’t have to literally and metaphorically spend their days telling men who’ve made varying degrees of transgression to fuck off. And if they choose to report things to HR, more power to them because they are, in effect, giving credence to a system designed to support everyone to be treated with fairness and respect.

Agreed. We are fast approaching “scared to speak” territory. I wouldn’t make a joke like that to a new colleague as I wouldn’t know them well enough to judge their reaction, but I 100% would to someone I knew well, and wouldn’t object to that kind of joke being made to me! I work in a school and we have much worse “banter” in our staff room! Also why is a complaint the first move here? Everyone has different responses to different types of humour so surely speaking up and telling the person who is making the comments that you don’t appreciate that type of “banter” and to stop is step one? And if it becomes a consistent unwelcome course of conduct then make a complaint?

Management dealing with this kind of nonsense removes resources and time needed to deal with real problems!

How do we know it’s not consistent unwelcome comments? Do you think that a 60ish year old making an inappropriate sexual comment at work has only ever done it once? He thought they had the sort of relationship where he could say that sort of thing… she obviously didn’t. I’d say it’s far more likely that it was her final straw.

There was no excuse for it in 1990, when I had to remind a vile sleazeball of a colleague that our employer had just adopted a sexual harassment policy and that I wouldn't have any qualms about using it.

Where I work, this would lead to a formal warning and probably training for the man who was stupid enough to make such a crass and inappropriate comment.

And FWIW I’ve never felt ‘scared to speak’ at work. Mainly because I’ve never commented on someone else’s sex life at work. Or my own, in fact.
Those people who say there ‘scared to speak’, can you genuinely not think of anything to talk about other than sex?

I strongly suspect she has tried that, and this isn't the first time this has hapenned, and she got laughed at and told 'I can't say anything'/'can't you take a joke'/'you are just so serious/highly strung'.

It isn't her job to tell this man his behaviour is not ok, he isn't a toddler who has just drawn on wall and needs reminding 'we don't do this', he is a grown man who knows its not ok but continues to do it again. It's isn't women's job to teach little boys(AKA grown men) manners, it's that pathetic weaponised incompetence saying with a 'it wasn't me miss' face 'oh but I didn't realise she would take it THAT way'.

This is a “real problem”. Women will leave instead of progressing if they see that sexual harassment is unchallenged in the work place. In my experience, it’s never reported formally in the first instance - there’s likely to have been several less specific instances before this one. If it’s not a problem, I’m sure no action will be taken, if it is, then reporting was the right thing to do.

It didn't bother me at all, so it never crossed my mind to report it!

Wrong. Total victim blaming. Management wouldn’t have to deal with these things if he hadn’t said it in the first place. The fact that he did makes it his problem not the colleague.

Jeez haven’t we moved away from ‘if only she hadn’t have worn that short skirt this would’ve have happened’.

I fear I'm going to have to put my hardhat on...

In isolation, that's a really mild comment to report, and I dont see it as sleazy. It's the sort of comment that straight men may make to each other, without sexual intent or intending to make each other uncomfortable.

I've certainly heard far more inappropriate comments from men and women in the workplace, including in recent years and professional environments.

I'd actually say that this low-level stuff (casual comments referencing sex) are more common (in my personal entirely anecdotal experience) from women, because sensible men are more likely to be cognizant of the potential for SH allegations and tread with care. Of course, inappropriate advances and other higher-level SH is more a men thing...

I'm not saying that she's wrong to report it, as it does seem to fit within the definition of sexual harassment and clearly was unwelcome. OP's DH should learn from it, but I dont see him as disgusting/sleazy/creepy or anything else. He made the mistake of making a comment, that would (for many people) be completely acceptable and non-contoversial in a casual setting among friends, in a professional setting to a co-worker.

@CircleBaker
You need to look up the meaning of ‘banter.’
That remark, was not humorous, it was rude and inappropriate.

Fwiw, I think the co- worker should have called the DH out on his inappropriate comment, got an apology & promise of no repeats in the future & got on with it.

Instead, she's ignored any credit due their prior good working relationship & gone formal with her complaint from the off. That doesn't allow fallibility, room for foibles occasionally between Co workers, and doesn't really allow for escalating it to a formal complaint in future if it was repeated. Instead she's gone fully nuclear from the off, which is her perogative but makes work and colleague relationships pretty strict & inflexible things imo.

Sorry, what is this colleague a “victim” of? Based on the information we have, it’s one comment. I agree with @QurikySparrowHatrack, in many casual and professional settings this wouldn’t raise an eyebrow, it certainly wouldn’t anywhere I’ve ever worked. Not every woman has to think the same and be offended by the same things. I’m a woman and I’d find this comment inoffensive. If I didn’t, I’d tell him so, not ask my boss to tell him for me.

How old are you both? I definitely got wolf whistled at as a teen (and it's not like I was even attractive). At a guess I'd say i that it happened on 50% of occasions when I went into town shopping and had to walk past workmen. That was in the very late 60s and the first half of the 70s. Thank goodness my daughters didn't have to endure it, and hopefully my granddaughters won't.

This was almost certainly not the first time. Given OP’s comments and total incomprehension I’m guessing he’s gross regularly and this women just got fed up