DH reported at work

[CircleBaker]

I am stuck between ‘the world has gone mad’ and ‘why did you say that’ so I’d appreciate some MN wisdom!

DH has been reported to HR by a colleague due to a comment he made when she arrived at her desk on a recent morning. He said she looked particularly happy so he joked that she must have ‘got some’ the night before.

Now this colleague is someone DH has worked with for a while and always (in his view) got along with, so he was very surprised to hear of the report.

I can’t help but feel that as much as it wasn’t the smartest of comments, it was fairly inoffensive given they are friendly and it seems OTT to report?!

Not best. Just better than you.

This is the most sensible comment I have read 👏👏

Thank you. You've expressed this much better than I did.

@IdaGlossop well this whole discussion is about workplace behaviour so I thought that is what you were referring to. Under those circumstances it's really graceless and unclassy to my mind but very different from inappropriate workplace behaviour.

Now you're minimising and mocking.

I think what he said was really inappropriate and I would feel extremely uncomfortable if a colleague, either male or female, said that to me.

Nah, report it first time.
If you managed to get yourself a job then you should be intelligent enough to know that sexual comments are not appropriate in the workplace.

Any man (or woman) making sexual comments knows what they are doing and like fuck am I giving you a pass. Actions have consequences.

In this case, the age of the perpetrator is significant.

"highly strung" ???? Your DH needs a bit of tact and sensitivity ...

I’m aware it’s a side issue here, I’m just pointing out the hypocrisy. Wondering if everyone is aware

If we are going to respect everyone, as we should, then we respect Everyone and not be
ageist
sexist
racist
etc

It seems disingenuous to call out one whilst at the same time being just as bad

I should have been clearer that it was an example of 'giving as good as you get' generally.

Perhaps you should have called it out so that the women who came after you didn’t have to keep putting up with this crap. I have a young daughter and I can’t believe that I’m still having to call out this rubbish after 4 decades of work.

The whole "giving as good as you get" thing is so stupid and so toxic; sure, if you hit me I can hit you back, but that means I have to descend to your level. I can respond to your "banter" with more "banter", but that makes me as bad as you.

Be better, people! Get your heads out of the dark ages and at least pretend to some form of civilisation.

There is no hypocrisy!

It’s worse from someone older because we are discussing the workplace specifically and in the workplace age comes with a power dynamic. Manipulating the power dynamic and taking advantage of that in order to make lewd and inappropriate sexual comments to more junior female members of staff makes it worse morally and legally in the workplace.

It’s not ageist to suggest that someone taking advantage of this power dynamic is when more disgusting.

”If we are going to respect everyone, as we should, then we respect Everyone”

What on earth? We don’t need to respect a sexual predator because he’s old. He’s not being disrespected because he’s old, he’s being called out for his own inappropriate behaviour. Nothing you’re saying makes any sense. You’re so desperate to deflect this into ageism that you aren’t even being logical.

<hands op even bigger spoon>

We can't even say someone seemed 'highly strung' now? Is that offensive?

What should we say if a co worker doesn't seem....themselves? Is it offensive to notice that too?

Thank you.

@Sofiewoo
however my comment related to the ageist comments here and the assumption
that it is doubly worse if it’s by an older person

so I asked the pp, if was not so bad or OK from a younger person.

I would expect everyone to be equally shocked by the comment
whether from a women ( any age )
or a man (any age )

Age discrimination is discrimination whether some MNetters think it’s OK or not.

@WearyAuldWumman If we start going down that road then perhaps it’s ‘sometimes’ OK to discriminate against people and be sexist.

It's victim blaming. It translates as "Oh, she got upset over nothing."

@DrPrunesqualer

It's not discrimination. It's acknowledgement of a power differential.

Age discrimination doesn’t take your scenario into account Sofie

It is what it is.

Where is anyone here being discriminated against for being old? Go on, we will wait.

Unwanted sexual "banter" makes women vulnerable. It throws working relationships off kilter. In this case there sounds like there could be (apologies if wrong, but based on the OP being pretty much retired) an age imbalance that really does make it worse as it is harder to call out someone old enough to be your dad/Granddad.

Whatever, the colleague could be the same age as OPs husband. She still has a right to a professional working environment without comments about her sex life.

I worked with older men (my age now) who had fought in WW2, when I was very young. Most of them were avuncular, protective and appropriate. I remember some of them calling out the office groper/lecher/whatever (a manager) when he'd gone after someone very young and she was showing her upset. It has always been possible for men to be decent.

By "giving as good as we get" we allow the bullies, the arseholes, the creeps to set the tone and dominate the workplace culture.

Don't give as bad good as you get, report the shit out of them. Be the change you wish to see.

Were you there? No. So be quiet🤫

Because it's a sexist trope, implying a feeble woman who can't cope with any heightened emotion. It's pejorative, not a straight forward description.