DH reported at work

[CircleBaker]

I am stuck between ‘the world has gone mad’ and ‘why did you say that’ so I’d appreciate some MN wisdom!

DH has been reported to HR by a colleague due to a comment he made when she arrived at her desk on a recent morning. He said she looked particularly happy so he joked that she must have ‘got some’ the night before.

Now this colleague is someone DH has worked with for a while and always (in his view) got along with, so he was very surprised to hear of the report.

I can’t help but feel that as much as it wasn’t the smartest of comments, it was fairly inoffensive given they are friendly and it seems OTT to report?!

I would think so, she probably works in a place where the majority of employees went to school.

You would be ashamed that your daughter felt uncomfortable with a 70 odd year old man making lewd comments about her sex life in the workplace?

Jesus Christ, your poor daughter.

Then I would advise that if you are ever on the receiving end of a comment that you do not like, you simply tell them so and get on with your day.

I’m 66 and I have never put up with this crap. It also bothers me that so many women are dismissing it as woke or banter or other such shit. Ffs if you don’t pull men up on this you too have a problem. It’s not banter, it’s intimidation, it’s saying that we’re better on our backs, men on top, literally and figuratively.Pull yourselves together and support other women!

It would never happen as talking about your child isn't 'inappropriate' is it? It may be insensitive if you know your colleague is struggling with infertility and your manager may ask you to stop as its causing distress. However they couldn't be able discipline you for sexual harassment would they? Do think it through.

Well, I have been working since the late 80s.

I remember putting up with all kinds of shit, and I am bloody had my daughters don't have to.

Things have moved forward, (mostly), thankfully. Sounds like your husband hasn't.

So they just continue making inappropriate comments…

Yeah and this “brave new world of yours” has seen people sacked for stating someone with a dick is a man.

Have you ever considered this heavy policing of what people can say to each other in a work environment has bad consequences. That this control of what to say and not to say removes any meaningful conversation. The similar policing across all collectives is dangerous.

i mean “did you get some last night” can be said impartially between the sexes - it’s not misogynistic. It’s shit like this which damages women’s rights. It singles women out as “trouble makers” in men’s minds - men would say this sort of thing to each other all the time, most men wouldn’t see it as an issue.

Nope, no way.
Make inappropriate sexual comments in the workplace and expect to get called out on it formally.

It was clearly not something HR felt was appropriate hence the OP’s DH is being spoken to about it.

Oh, fuck off.

What do you mean?

If this happened to my daughter and she just sucked it up, I'd be furious, with myself for having failed her in her upbringing (wouldn't happen though, she'd be incandescent!).

No, it doesn't mean that. It means answering back with attitude. Eg 'Show us your knickers, darling.' 'I'm afraid I can't. I'm not wearing any.'

And just because she finds something offensive, doesn't mean the rest of us who aren't as uptight as her have to behave like nuns and saints. I'll refer you back to one of my earlier comments - people take offence over all kinds of things these days, it's hard to know what you can and can't talk about!

@MyHeartyCoralSnail That this control of what to say and not to say removes any meaningful conversation.

No it doesn’t, “meaningful” sexual conversation is not appropriate in the workplace. Not discussing someone’s sex life in a work environment doesn’t stop you having meaningful conversations at all.

Ooohhh, PICK MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!@!!!!

It’s not hard.
Don’t make racist, misogynistic or sexual comments in the workplace.
Hope that helps.

@MyHeartyCoralSnail men like this need to have trouble made for them. So yes, I'd be happy to be a "trouble maker" under these circumstances.

It can happen.

Normally though you FIRST are either told X is trying for a baby by someone else so shut up about babies around them, or X themselves tells you which means you should have the emotional intelligence to keep your mouth shut.

No it isn't. it's easy to know what is offensive if you're not an idiot.
Your earlier example was stupid and it didn't happen the way you claim. You may have been told it that way; you were not told it correctly.

Logical fallacies abound.
Apart from which I’d rather be troublesome and ensure my dds can work comfortably and safely.

Thats because it gives HR something to do where they finally feel they’ve got power.

Are you generally in favour of a dystopian society where people are punished for innocuous comments like this. It’s not sexist in the slightest. Bet he’s said similar to blokes all the time. Honestly I despair!

These uptight women, eh? Maybe they're frigid too, right? 🙄

No, for repeat offenders, that's what HR is for. I said so earlier.