Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH reported at work

1000 replies

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 16:53

I am stuck between ‘the world has gone mad’ and ‘why did you say that’ so I’d appreciate some MN wisdom!

DH has been reported to HR by a colleague due to a comment he made when she arrived at her desk on a recent morning. He said she looked particularly happy so he joked that she must have ‘got some’ the night before.

Now this colleague is someone DH has worked with for a while and always (in his view) got along with, so he was very surprised to hear of the report.

I can’t help but feel that as much as it wasn’t the smartest of comments, it was fairly inoffensive given they are friendly and it seems OTT to report?!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Helen1625 · 29/05/2025 18:52

AthWat · 29/05/2025 18:43

Yeah, it's not like it's obvious his comment was offensive .....oh wait, no, yes it was.
Seriously, how stupid do you have to be to not realise? I mean if you are that stupid, and you always socialise and work with people equally stupid, you might not know. In that case it's good learning for him - and for you, it seems. Always be aware that someone listening might not be as stupid as you.

Edited
Show quote history

😆😆😆

MatildaMovesMountains · 29/05/2025 18:52

Helen1625 · 29/05/2025 18:42

Nope, I'm all good thanks. I know how to behave. I also don't get easily offended by other's behaviour.

Show quote history

Well, we can't all be pachyderms 🙄

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 29/05/2025 18:52

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 29/05/2025 18:38

Yep the world has gone fucking nuts. I find it best not to speak to anyone these days other than people I know aren’t complete wankers.

Anyone who makes a sexual or misogynistic comment is most definitely a wanker. As are those who think is acceptable.

Helen1625 · 29/05/2025 18:53

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 29/05/2025 18:49

So you’re happy for men to make sexual and misogynistic comments? I hope you don’t have any female relatives.

I know you probably think it makes you sound really cool not to be bothered by such things, I know a few people like you. I hate to say it but actually just comes across as a bit pathetic and out of touch.

Show quote history

Not at all. I can give as good as I get. You on the other hand sound a delight to work with....🙄

CountryMouse22 · 29/05/2025 18:53

BunnyLake · 29/05/2025 18:33

And we don’t want to slide back to that.

Show quote history

Agreed. Those vile Tate brothers........... makes me shudder.

AthWat · 29/05/2025 18:54

Helen1625 · 29/05/2025 18:52

😆😆😆

Show quote history

An intelligent response, well done. That destroyed my argument!

MatildaMovesMountains · 29/05/2025 18:54

Helen1625 · 29/05/2025 18:49

Here's a scenario....Someone is sat near you who has been desperately trying for a baby and all you can talk about is babies. They are sick of hearing your baby talk. Now you find yourself being spoke to about your inappropriate comments.

Not having a go at you, just putting it to you that that's how easily a conversation can turn into something else. (My example is something that I've seen happen, by the way).

Show quote history

W u t

Mumof2amazingasdkiddos · 29/05/2025 18:54

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 29/05/2025 18:45

All men need to do is not make sexist and misogynistic comments. Why do people talk like that’s a difficult thing for them to do?
It’s not about men being too scared to breathe … if they can’t interact with women without making sexual comments then they have a problem and it’s a problem they need to deal with, not the women they speak to.

Plenty of men and women managed to get through their day without sexually harassing people - it’s not difficult.

Show quote history

I'm not getting into an argument/debate with you, personally I'd have taken it as the joke it was intended to be IF we had a friendly joking prior relationship. If we didn't have that type of prior relationship and it was his first 'offence' I'd have used my words and told him I didn't appreciate his comment. For a one off and given the language used i think running to HR is an over reaction, if its continous then sure report it

Brefugee · 29/05/2025 18:54

lightslittle · 29/05/2025 17:33

Oh I completely agree. I also think the tone of what’s okay and isn’t okay has wildly changed in the last 10-15years.

some of the comments that would have been deemed okay and banter when I started as a 21 year old would probably be sackable today!

I think sexual humour is one of the lowest forms of humour. I can’t find it funny in the slightest

Show quote history

I was I. The Army. Started mid-80s.
I loathed all the "banter" - it was NEVER ok. But only now do employers (sometimes/occasionally) take our complaints seriously.

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 29/05/2025 18:54

BunnyLake · 29/05/2025 18:51

Would those who are saying it’s ok like it if it was their daughter or son getting these remarks? If my son came home and said a colleague spoke like that to him, I’d be disgusted. If your 18 year old daughter came home and said Martin in Accounts said she looked like she must have got some last night, would you laugh and think Martin sounds a right hoot?

I’d be asking her what she said back. I’d be ashamed if she trotted off to HR over a comment like that and think I’d brought up a child with no resilience and a lack of humour. Martin sounds normal.

Nicole621 · 29/05/2025 18:54

Ah yes, the main reason women are ever happy is because a man has given them a good seeing to. Can't think of any other reason a woman might be smiling. What an odd assumption for your DH to jump to, and really inappropriate to say. It's not the 80's any more, women don't have to put up with this crap anymore thankfully.

theDudesmummy · 29/05/2025 18:54

What does "I can give as good as I get" mean? That you too make sexist and sexually harassing remarks to your colleagues?

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 29/05/2025 18:56

Helen1625 · 29/05/2025 18:49

Here's a scenario....Someone is sat near you who has been desperately trying for a baby and all you can talk about is babies. They are sick of hearing your baby talk. Now you find yourself being spoke to about your inappropriate comments.

Not having a go at you, just putting it to you that that's how easily a conversation can turn into something else. (My example is something that I've seen happen, by the way).

Show quote history

The difference is that women (and men ) are protected in law from sexual harassment.

Your example may need some sensitivity and it might be appropriate for someone to have a quick word but it’s not the same.

AthWat · 29/05/2025 18:56

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 29/05/2025 18:54

I’d be asking her what she said back. I’d be ashamed if she trotted off to HR over a comment like that and think I’d brought up a child with no resilience and a lack of humour. Martin sounds normal.

Show quote history

Normal in your world, maybe. But here's the thing, the little misogynistic world that you and your friends choose to live in isn't allowed in a work environment that might have intelligent, thinking people in it. Keep it at home.

ParmaVioletTea · 29/05/2025 18:56

It's a pretty tacky thing to say to a colleague, and borderline sexual harassment. I am friends with a lot of my colleagues (beyond good collegial relationships that finish at the office door) and I wouldn't like that sort of comment particularly.

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 29/05/2025 18:56

This thread is depressing - when is AI supposed to destroy humanity? 2054??

Helen1625 · 29/05/2025 18:56

MatildaMovesMountains · 29/05/2025 18:52

Well, we can't all be pachyderms 🙄

Show quote history

Do your colleagues know where they stand with you?

IdaGlossop · 29/05/2025 18:56

AthWat · 29/05/2025 18:50

And I imagine you think the world is a sadder place for lacking that kind of comedy gold.

Even when people thought this stuff was acceptable, it was still only funny if you were a moron.

Show quote history

Time for a rescreening of 'Man about the House', the 'Carry on' films and 'The Benny Hill Show'. And while we're at it, let's tolerate racism too. 'The Wheel Tappers and Shunters Club' and 'Love the neighbour' never disappointed.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 29/05/2025 18:56

theDudesmummy · 29/05/2025 18:54

What does "I can give as good as I get" mean? That you too make sexist and sexually harassing remarks to your colleagues?

Probably. Equally pathetic

BunnyLake · 29/05/2025 18:57

AthWat · 29/05/2025 18:50

And I imagine you think the world is a sadder place for lacking that kind of comedy gold.

Even when people thought this stuff was acceptable, it was still only funny if you were a moron.

Show quote history

It was never funny. I’m not ‘woke’, I have a good sense of humour, honed in the 70s, I enjoyed the Carry On films as a kid and am pretty laid back, but sexist banter at work was horrible and not funny even back then. I would cringe, feel humiliated and even feel quite threatened (I started work at 16 in the 1970s). Boundaries had to be put in place in the workforce, if they hadn’t we’d still be having to deal with it. We shouldn’t let those boundaries start slipping or we’ll be back to the 70s mentality.

lazyarse123 · 29/05/2025 18:58

Helen1625 · 29/05/2025 18:42

Nope, I'm all good thanks. I know how to behave. I also don't get easily offended by other's behaviour.

Show quote history

I agree with this. The reaction is ott. She could have just told him it was inappropriate.
I worked in a very relaxed environment and have been known to say this to colleagues and shock horror I'm not a man.

Sofiewoo · 29/05/2025 18:58

What a bunch of middle aged pick me’s on this thread.

‘oh I’ve had this in work all my life, I just make a comment back. It’s great’

Why should the rest of us be subjected to inappropriate sexual behaviour in the workplace because you think it’s funny? Be as crude as you like on your own time where we can choose not to be around you or men like the OP’s husband. The workplace is not the place for it. It’s not difficult.

ttcat37 · 29/05/2025 18:58

booboo24 · 29/05/2025 18:31

Older generation here, this is mild compared to a lot of what was said to me in my younger days and now! I didn't bat an eyelid then and nor do I now, but things have changed and sadly anything can be deemed offensive.

This isn’t the flex that you think it is.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 29/05/2025 18:58

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 29/05/2025 18:54

I’d be asking her what she said back. I’d be ashamed if she trotted off to HR over a comment like that and think I’d brought up a child with no resilience and a lack of humour. Martin sounds normal.

Show quote history

Where as I’d be proud. It means I would have taught her to have self worth and not put up with sexism or misogyny.

SoSoLong · 29/05/2025 18:59

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 17:35

I’m all but retired now - but heck, I had to put up with all sorts in my time from male colleagues. I usually gave as good as I got.

If the worst thing I encountered was a colleague joking about me getting a good seeing to the night before, I’d have been delighted! I’m glad that’s the worst that happens these days.

I’ve never been one to tow the ‘woke’ line, but I do have to chuckle at the modern worker! (It appears we have a few on MN)

I'm no spring chicken myself and worked in a male dominated industry all my life. I'm happy that, even though sleazy creeps like your DH still exist in the workplace, at least women nowadays have official avenues to protect themselves and don't have to put up with what the previous generation had to.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.
Swipe left for the next trending thread