DH reported at work

[CircleBaker]

I am stuck between ‘the world has gone mad’ and ‘why did you say that’ so I’d appreciate some MN wisdom!

DH has been reported to HR by a colleague due to a comment he made when she arrived at her desk on a recent morning. He said she looked particularly happy so he joked that she must have ‘got some’ the night before.

Now this colleague is someone DH has worked with for a while and always (in his view) got along with, so he was very surprised to hear of the report.

I can’t help but feel that as much as it wasn’t the smartest of comments, it was fairly inoffensive given they are friendly and it seems OTT to report?!

Not sadly it’s a good thing. Men need to be accountable, they need to learn what is and isn’t acceptable. It’s not about being all woke and offended by everything. Freedom of speech isn’t freedom of consequence after all.

Yes women, stand back! Dicks on parade! All hail the mighty cock!

Give me fucking strength.

If this was a standalone comment, maybe.

This sounds like a repeated pattern of comments and she's had enough

I expect he thinks that's woke.

But at work??!

I have a good relationship with a male colleague and our conversations have even resorted to poo stories (were both potty training at the time so pretty run-of-the-mill conversation amongst parents😄), but there's no way that this comment would be seen as anything other than wildly inappropriate. I'm actually cringing just imagining either one of saying it - it just wouldn't happen, so so unprofessional.

YANBU OP

i had the exact same thing said to me by a woman I can’t stand at work - I didn’t report her

this was 20 years ago

OP says she near retirement age so I would imagine that her DH is of a similar age. Would you really be flattered by some sleazy old man saying that you looked like 'you got some' the previous night? Would you really think it was a compliment? Most women would be utterly repelled by him.

No. Most civilised people would find your comments repellent.

The OP expected most posters to agree with her that reporting to HR was OTT. Instead, she's been told the comment was offensive and needed reporting, and that her attitudes are ante-diluvian. Her reaction to all this is to continue with her belief in the face of many well-reasoned arguments.

Op, if your husband had said that to me I’d have pushed him on his arse and gladly faced the consequences.

Yep the world has gone fucking nuts. I find it best not to speak to anyone these days other than people I know aren’t complete wankers.

I am also older and put up with all sorts back in the 70s but I hated it, even if I was (reluctantly) laughing or smiling on the outside (because no one would have cared that I was offended). You’d be called frigid if you didn’t find sexist, crass ‘banter’ at your expense, funny.

It’s crass, end of.

She'll probably go whining to MNHQ and ask for the thread to be deleted.

She could have simply told him to piss off. Or said 'I don't appreciate that kind of remark!'

I'm all for going to HR if it's an ongoing problem (and we have no reason to believe he's a repeat 'offender' at this stage) but why can't we just put our big girl pants on and deal with it there and then like an adult should be able to do, instead of involving HR at this stage?

At least he knows where he stands with her now.

Just because you had to put up with it, doesn't mean women should have to now.

I'm a man in my 40s, and when I started work over 20 years ago, we knew comments like that weren't appropriate. What's taken you and your husband so long to catch on?

Do you know how easy it is to NOT get into trouble in the workplace? It’s really easy.. your first step is to avoid being sexist, racist or misogynistic.

If you can’t understand that you don’t belong on the workplace.

Perhaps you’d benefit from some equality and diversity training and if appears your priorities are all wrong.

Inappropriate to comment in that way to anyone in the workplace. It must have made her uncomfortable and could be classed as harassment.

Get a grip

Wow @CircleBaker I hope you put on full armour before posting this on here! My opinion for what it's worth is if they normally joke with each other then yeah there's worse things he could've said and it's a bit much to report him. If they were friendly but didn't really joke/banter much then I can understand (a bit) why it's been reported.

I hate misogyny and I'm glad it's being called out more and more but I do fear that on occasion it gets to the point where men can be afraid to breathe for fear of being called out.

He's held his hands up and if he hasn't already then he needs to give a proper apology, that means he doesn't include "we are friendly/usually joke so I thought it was ok" it's just an apology with nothing added. He then continues to be friendly but sadly wary around this colleague and thinks before every word he speaks in future

I'm not the only poster on here who thinks so.

She did ‘put her big girl pants on’. She reported sexist and misogynistic comment.

Stop with the victim blaming, the OPs husband is the one to blame here.

Surely the age is irrelevant
Or are you saying if a young man said it then it would be OK! ?

The issue is what was said……not the characteristics of who said it!

So you’re coming up to retirement, how old is your DH and the woman concerned? Not that it matters, it’s all very ick, and as for the expected slap on the wrist, don’t count your chickens.

I would say this counts as an incident of verbal sexual harassment and that’s a disciplinary matter.

Id prepare yourself for a written warning, and deservedly so.

An enclosed order may suit you well. There, you wouldn't be allowed to speak to anyone so wouldn't need to sort the wankers from the onanistic celebates.

Edited for typo

Well thank fuck time's and attitudes have changed.
Women don't need to put up with this crap any longer.