DH reported at work

[CircleBaker]

I am stuck between ‘the world has gone mad’ and ‘why did you say that’ so I’d appreciate some MN wisdom!

DH has been reported to HR by a colleague due to a comment he made when she arrived at her desk on a recent morning. He said she looked particularly happy so he joked that she must have ‘got some’ the night before.

Now this colleague is someone DH has worked with for a while and always (in his view) got along with, so he was very surprised to hear of the report.

I can’t help but feel that as much as it wasn’t the smartest of comments, it was fairly inoffensive given they are friendly and it seems OTT to report?!

Unlike your attitude, which will keep no one in a job. Your extremely low bar is irrelevant. The law states that an employer now has a proactive duty to prevent sexual harassment rather than a reactive duty to stop it. In practise this means coming down like a tonne of bricks on this sort of comment on pain of being accused of not preventing it. You can hold whatever outdated attitude you like, but its rather foolish to scoff at posters as being OTT when their views are in alignment with the law and yours are not. If the OPs husband wants to keep his job its the posters telling him he's wrong he should heed, not his sympathisers.

So you had to face sexism last century so women today should shut up and be quiet? It’s not a competition. No woman should put up with sexism of any kind ever. In a time when men have been told time and time again what’s appropriate by society?

You’re an enabler and as a woman you should be disgusted. I’m disgusted. You both sound like you’re a perfect match. I hope you don’t have daughters.

It’s not a clumsy comment. It’s gross.

That doesn't make any sense

Obviously you occupy a different planet to me because I would be absolutely incandescent with rage that he had said it. There's no way I could be with someone who thought that was normal behaviour.

And his poor colleague must be so disappointed. They had a good working relationship before - she must be thinking WTAF. It's awful when someone you enjoy working with turned out to be a complete prick.

Goodness.

Needing validation about your looks from creepy old men would indicate that what you need to get is some improved self esteem and better boundaries.

Besides which, ‘getting some’ doesn’t have much to do with being particularly attractive, most men will shag anyone in my experience whether they find them attractive or not so it’s not really a compliment. Sad that this poster needs this as some kind of validation.

Oh I agree

But the op is saying it was banter with a colleague he knows well, which, irl, these things happen

I disagree as to the wellness of their relationship

Looks like all the incels disguised as Mums have descended yet again to tell the wimmin to lighten up to sexual harassment in the workplace - so they can continue getting their sexual kicks from their grim behaviour.

Your husband sound like a complete misogynist saying that she appeared “ highly strung”

That sort of talk is how men used to shut women down ‘back in the day’ and is completely unacceptable.

You also sound awful with your woke comments.

I hope your husband learns to do better.

Maybe she isn't as desperate to have her appearance validated by particularly stupid middle aged men as you appear to be.

Older generation here, this is mild compared to a lot of what was said to me in my younger days and now! I didn't bat an eyelid then and nor do I now, but things have changed and sadly anything can be deemed offensive.

I started work in the 90’s so went through the tints of women fighting to be treated fairly. He was totally wrong an. It’s not woke to see that. If I see a colleague happy I say ‘wow you are awfully happy for this time of day!’ That’s it no reference to anything sexual as that’s not on in a workplace. A creepy middle aged bloke at our work had to be taken aside after he asked another colleague if she has a uniform (she runs a young person group similar to Scouts), she said ‘actually I do?’ And he said ‘wear it next week!’ She was shocked, he also called some young women ‘sluts’..he’s now no longer at my workplace.

When I think of some of the comments made to me in the 70s and 80s it makes me shudder! I remember a man rubbing himself against me for one instance. Having erections displayed in plain view.

Comments like this aren’t a reflection on your sexiness.
It’s misogynistic comment relating to a women only being happy and upbeat if she’s being fucked by a man.

It’s a very tacky and disrespectful comment. Women don’t want to have to put up with that kind of crassness anymore, even from colleagues they get on with. This is all on your dh, has he been living under a rock or time travelled from 1975? He needs educating.

You’ve asked whether people think the comment was appropriate or not. You’ve been told in the majority that it was, and now all of a sudden it’s everyone else’s wokeness that’s a problem.

I think your sudden defensiveness and justification of this probably says more about how you really feel about it.

the fact your are both near retirement age actually makes it worse. Many many years behind you both to have moved on from sad unfunny sexual jokes. I think this joke would have been more appropriate going between 20 year olds than from middle aged man, in an office environment.

This is the kind of comment I regularly encountered as a 20 something - not appropriate in the 1990s, even more inappropriate in 2025. Does your husband's workplace not have EDI training?

Define 'offensive'?

What you may find funny, when having a laugh with your colleagues, others may not. That's how easy it is to get in trouble these days.

And we don’t want to slide back to that.

You think it’s sad that women are offended by sexual and misogynistic comments in the workplace?

No not anything, just inappropriate shit. HTH

Another sensitive one....

Ah, fair point. Probably her time of the month. Probably a feminist as well.

Bloody hell, you’re as appalling as he is!

“we tolerated men’s bullshit back then so you lot should do the same”