DH reported at work

[CircleBaker]

I am stuck between ‘the world has gone mad’ and ‘why did you say that’ so I’d appreciate some MN wisdom!

DH has been reported to HR by a colleague due to a comment he made when she arrived at her desk on a recent morning. He said she looked particularly happy so he joked that she must have ‘got some’ the night before.

Now this colleague is someone DH has worked with for a while and always (in his view) got along with, so he was very surprised to hear of the report.

I can’t help but feel that as much as it wasn’t the smartest of comments, it was fairly inoffensive given they are friendly and it seems OTT to report?!

Ms Frosty? Victim blame much?

She's at work, she does not need, want, or should be tolerating comments on whether she had sex last night.

It's just not acceptable, and just because people dealt with it in the past does not mean people should have to deal with it now.

Ms Frosty? Have a word with yourself.

Unbelievable! I would laugh at this and feel flattered that I was sexy enough to get some.

Actually having said above that I can't imagine this happening where I work, in a previous job about a decade ago I do remember someone talking about my complete bitch of a boss and saying she needed a man in her life (with the obvious subtext that she needed a good shag).

Not to her face though.

Yep. I call halfterm BS.

Highly strung - Dear God! Is that the new ‘it was just a joke!’ Ffs

@CircleBaker

"I’m all but retired now - but heck, I had to put up with all sorts in my time from male colleagues. I usually gave as good as I got. If the worst thing I encountered was a colleague joking about me getting a good seeing to the night before, I’d have been delighted! I’m glad that’s the worst that happens these days."

I'm 68 and could write a very long and unpleasant book on men in the workplace (and out of it). Why the fuck should women constantly have to "give as good as they get". Do you honestly think that's the answer? That those subjected to sexual harrassment, bullying or prejudice should spend their lives fighting or finding "clever answers". I know I'm wasting my breath. You sound as bad as your husband and I'm not surprised he's been reported.

Highly strung? This is contradictory because he said the reason he made the comment in the first place was because she was ‘particularly happy’ - so, which is it? Is he the sort of person to never take any responsibility for his actions and blame others, or just this time?

Ew.

Reading your post transported me back to the 80s. Your husband needs to catch up with the times.

That’s right, OP, all modern women just don’t know how to have fun in the workplace like you used to….

Most of us manage to get through the working day having a laugh with our colleagues without saying something offensive.

Those who struggle to get through the day without resorting to offensive ‘banter’ need to be told they are wrong as they clearly aren’t intelligent enough to work it out themselves.

But I thought you said he made the comment because she looked particularly happy, but now he said she seemed highly strung? If her mood changed then it's because he made her uncomfortable.

This 100%. And you OP are an apologist and an enabler. Shame on both of you.

This ageist comment is inaccurate according to more recent research.
here’s just two headliners on the subject.

tap to see full wording

Maybe being "happy" and "highly strung" are compatible after all...if you've had a good enough shag you might be both at the same time??? (I doubt he thought about it that much though, the "highly strung" was just a nice pivot to victim blaming).

Having worked in an incredibly male-dominated, rather old school industry, I wouldn’t have even registered that comment, in all the rude and lewd shit that was said on a daily basis BUT the difference is that my colleagues KNEW I was comfortable with that type of banter.

They also knew (and I did!) that, for example, another colleague, albeit a man, did not appreciate that stuff, and so we didn’t say it to him. It’s not hard really.

I’d be very surprised if your husband has previously had the kind of working relationship where he could say stuff like that and all of a sudden this woman has changed the boundaries and reported him out of the blue.

His follow up of ‘oh she’s highly strung’ is pathetic, misogynistic and, frankly, makes him look thick.

If a good friend or someone without past issues at work said that I'd just say to him that's inappropriate, however if it was someone who repeatedly made creepy comments I'd consider reporting it.
I'd question him about whether it's the first time he's made her uncomfortable.

Your dh is a pathetic pig.

It's sexual harassment.

What the hell is wrong with him?

Can you really not see why what he's done is completely inappropriate?

And you are married to this guy because.......

@Marmunia10667 this is sexual harassment not a compliment.

Just pop him on this thread Op for a good old fashioned stoning. That’ll teach him. It’s not a bit of an OTT response it’s a lot of one as are many of the responses. How many of you get through the day is beyond me. It’ll keep Julie in HR in her job for another week so there’s that.

I despair. I work in a v male
dominated environment and have done for years. I’m v close to retirement too but in no way would I find this acceptable. I really don’t like the way you’re making this a “woke” generational thing. It really isn’t. Women not calling out this crap is exactly what makes men think they can say crass things like this at work - or anywhere else.
It was a completely unacceptable and inappropriate thing to say. I’m glad she reported it. Your husband is the problem not his colleague.

Yes but you don’t know the woman in question do you? Whilst you or I may have laughed it off that doesn’t mean everyone else would or should have to. Also you don’t know if what your DH said is the worst she’s ever dealt with and maybe that’s why she acted as she did. It was just ignorance on DH part most likely and he should just own up to it and recognise it’s inappropriate simple as rather than saying she was ‘highly strung’ ffs - like what does that even mean?!

@CircleBaker the problem is that you are minimizing this, along with thousands of others (mainly men), and thus perpetuating a culture where it's 'ok' to 'banter' about women's sex lives and strengthening the patriarchy.
Please educate yourself.
I have also gone through a lot of shitty behaviour in my career, I am glad women don't have to go through it now.

No it's not ok - my DH works with many women and wouldn't dream of making a comment like that. It's just not acceptable in the workplace. Hopefully he'll just get a warning and has learned his lesson.