DH reported at work

[CircleBaker]

I am stuck between ‘the world has gone mad’ and ‘why did you say that’ so I’d appreciate some MN wisdom!

DH has been reported to HR by a colleague due to a comment he made when she arrived at her desk on a recent morning. He said she looked particularly happy so he joked that she must have ‘got some’ the night before.

Now this colleague is someone DH has worked with for a while and always (in his view) got along with, so he was very surprised to hear of the report.

I can’t help but feel that as much as it wasn’t the smartest of comments, it was fairly inoffensive given they are friendly and it seems OTT to report?!

Op - you’re an apologist.

Stop making excuses and think about whether his version/ perception is actually the truth. What are you going to say if her complaint leads to a flurry of others? Blame them all for being too woke?!

If it was my DH I’d tell him so stop dumbing it down, controlling the narrative and admit he’d said an old fashioned, out of touch sexist comment at work that may lead to disciplinary action—regardless of how he spins it!

Ew what a sleaze your husband is 🤢

This is wildly inappropriate and creepy. Hope he learned his lesson

'Highly strung'? Deserves all she gets, then. Probably the wrong time of the month. Women, eh? 😐

This woman's sex life has fuck all to do with your husband or anyone else. FAFO.

How about a bit of racist banter for good measure, OP, is that OK too? Someone referred to a black person as a "darkie" in my office last week, is that reportable? Is it just sexual banter that people are expected to put up with?

It isn't inoffensive. Doesn't matter what the OP has or hasn't had to put up with or "banter" back to.
It's 2025. His female colleague is not wrong here.
"Highly strung" is a misogynistic deflection.

Fucks sake, why is it when women are rightly disgusted at sleazy and inappropriate comments from men we’re seen as “highly strung?

Sorry @CircleBaker but your husband sounds vile and arrogant.

I am in my sixties and retired from the job in which I had to interact with colleagues daily in an office setting. I worked there for decades, the whole environment wasn't particularly male dominated but my profession/level within the organisation was very male for many years (leveling out in later years). I'm plenty tough, no snowflake, and it was a high stress environment working with difficult and occasionally dangerous situations. There was a lot of camaraderie between us all because of that and because many people stayed there for decades like I did.

If anyone had said something like this to me at any stage of my career they would have been the subject of a complaint to HR before their head stopped spinning from the tongue lashing I would have given them. I am afraid your DH richly deserves this, and the minimising (by him and you) is really disturbing.

Not sure why you’re posting OP, if you’re actually okay with his comment 🤷‍♀️
It’s disgusting, degrading, misogynistic, rude. Your husband seems very shallow - lucky you.

A good seeing to? Being delighted at co-workers making comments about your sex life? Gross. You and your husband are peas in a pot

Good job you're virtually retired, you and your DH sound like dinosaurs.

Yabu. It is massively inappropriate what he said. He should apologise for his behaviour and learn from this experience.

Yeah you’re equally as vile and arrogant as your gross husband.

And it's not just sexist, although it is breathtakingly that. It is also terribly intrusive. And could have all sorts of consequences for the woman, which I am sure he hasn't considered for a moment. (Why would he, she's a highly strung woman who can't take a joke, right?)

You're not coming off terribly well here, I'm afraid@MyLimeGuide.
When I was a student i had a holiday job working in a local car repair garage, Pirelli calendars, lecherous boss and all.
He was a creep and he's probably long dead, but I remember it still. I had hoped those days were gone and that 18-19 year old girls didn't have to deal with that stuff any more. I also hope they they can do something about it in the knowledge that it would be dealt with, and not by just a slap on the wrist.

This. We've all worked with men like your H, and we've all felt sorry for the partner at home.

I suspect we're not too far apart age-wise. I have absolutely no idea how you can possibly have held on to these POV in 2025. Still having to deal with this shit is bloody exhausting. Hearing another woman tittering about "oooh I gave as good as I got...I'd have been delighted... etc etc" is pretty fucking depressing.

I find it slightly ironic that in (rightly) defending women, people on this thread are (wrongly, IMHO) laying into the OP, who's had to deal with a lifetime of awful comments from men and has clearly had to become hardened/tolerant to it. Wonder whether we'd blame all the women who had been conditioned into thinking they probably shouldn't have the vote, etc.? We're all victims of our conditioning, and learn behaviours to (e.g.) keep marriages going....

As for the woman who reported - to me, this strongly suggests she felt repulsed/horrified/sullied/intimidated or whatever (and I can totally empathise). People don't tend to report unless a comment raises pretty strong feelings - personally, I reckon I'd take that from some people and absolutely from others, depending largely on their past behaviour (and our relationship). And that raises the chances the OP's H has put this woman's teeth on edge in the past. I hope you're doing OK, OP, because it can't be easy to have these things about your H brought to the fore.

So she’d ‘just arrived at her desk’ when he said it but then later says ‘she seemed highly strung that day’ - well I imagine that’s because of what he said! I get on very well with colleagues of both sexes in current and past office but I would be pretty shocked and feel it was inappropriate from any sex. I think DH definitely in the wrong not her. Also, you never know what anyone else is going through so why go into such taboo territory. They obviously aren’t as good friends as he imagined if this was her reaction.

Sorry, but most decent people find comments that suggest a woman can only be happy if she's had a good shag to be disgusting.

No one should have to deal with that sort of suggestion in the workplace. And your husband has likely made inappropriate comments to her more than once - comments like this do not come out the blue.

Yes this. I probably wouldn't report it, I'd just have told him that it was wildly inappropriate.

But it also depends on the power dynamic. If he is older and more senior than her it is difficult to do that.

I really can't imagine working somewhere where this would be deemed ok. Sacking would be too much, I'd rather the taxpayer not have to keep him, but some training is definitely in order! HR can be totally ineffectual so I hope they won't be in this case.

I think OP is on a wind up, every further comment is baiting.

No, she’s just a Cool Girl

I once had two bosses that said this kind of thing to each other, BUT:
She was the more senior, he was gay, they were both middle-aged and they were very, very close, like 'going on holiday together' close.

I’ve never been one to tow the ‘woke’ line, but I do have to chuckle at the modern worker! (It appears we have a few on MN)

This can't be real, surely? It is half-term.

On the off-chance that you're real, and you really think like this, then you and your sleaze ball H are a match made in some shitty office in 1992.