DH reported at work

[CircleBaker]

I am stuck between ‘the world has gone mad’ and ‘why did you say that’ so I’d appreciate some MN wisdom!

DH has been reported to HR by a colleague due to a comment he made when she arrived at her desk on a recent morning. He said she looked particularly happy so he joked that she must have ‘got some’ the night before.

Now this colleague is someone DH has worked with for a while and always (in his view) got along with, so he was very surprised to hear of the report.

I can’t help but feel that as much as it wasn’t the smartest of comments, it was fairly inoffensive given they are friendly and it seems OTT to report?!

I bet he’s a lot older than her too 🤮. Good on her for reporting him, we shouldn’t have to put up with this shit in 2025.

@CircleBaker I knew you’d be in that age bracket - assume your misogynistic sleazy husband is too. I actually feel sorry for you - I bet over the years you’ve heard it all, your friends probably talk about what a sleaze CircleBaker’s husband is and you’ve probably spent a lot of time catering to his every need.

Honestly, OP, it’s not “woke” to have been offended or to have reported him. Are you aware that a lot of rapists start off with a touch of “robust banter”?

My DH and many of my male friends and relatives work in so-called male dominated sectors, but incredibly they manage to get through the day without alluding to a colleague’s sex life 🤢.

You should be horrified not minimising. I hope neither of you has had sons or daughters.

Yeah, I did too. Just because we had to put up with it doesn't mean it was right.

I'm glad if I was starting out now I could go to HR and report the sleazeballs.

I am retired. In the 1980s, I worked in various companies, always in a male dominated environment & no-one said this sort of thing to the female employees. They would've been reported & dealt with, even back then.

You seem to be looking for any excuse to get around the fact that your husband is an insensitive, sexist boor. I hope there are work consequences for him. Perhaps then he'll finally learn to keep his mouth shut & treat people with respect.

Maybe..... but I honestly wouldn't get offended so I dont feel like im "putting up with it"

You must have very low self respect then to think these kinds of comments are acceptable

Your ‘d’h better be careful before he gets a Sex Discrimination accusation against him.
If he has made previous comments he may face harassment accusations

I think you need to raise your standards and have some self-respect.

I certainly wouldn’t have said it, but just feel that given the relationship between them reporting feels OTT.
I’d certainly read him the riot act if it was to put his job at risk, but he assured me he’ll be fine and expects a slap on the wrist if that.

But you aren’t bothered that he’s making inappropriate sexual remarks to women?

As for the ‘she was highly strung’ what a prince 🙄

It was fucking awful wasn't it. How anyone who experienced the same would want women younger then us to get the same crap is beyond me.

Maybe.

Fucking hell, your bar is low @CircleBaker You sound well suited though.

I hope your 'D'H soon joins you in retirement, and the workplace is rid of yet another sleazy creep.

Think your husband needs to realise that jokes between mates and to a colleague are completely different.

We are all different in what we find offensive or a joke and In a work environment you shouldn't say anything sexual to a colleague anyway.

Years ago I worked in a heavy male environment and they would make comments about me and the girls in the office and joke to each other I was only 18 and looking back now it was wrong but nothing got said back then it was like we were taught to tolerate it.

I think your husband and you need to realise this behaviour isn't right and he needs to apologise.

I’d consider myself quite laid back on most things, but this is pretty gross. I don’t go to work to hear those kinds of comments. It’s not that the woman is highly strung, it’s just immature and offensive. It’s also odd that’s where his mind went immediately. Work colleagues aren’t friends.
I’d be fairly embarrassed being in a relationship with a guy that thinks this is an appropriate way to communicate with colleagues too.

That's an utterly inappropriate comment. Good on her for reporting him. I would have too.

You are married to a sleazeball, but according to you it's still fine if he doesn't lose his job. It shouldn't be fine at all. I'd be ripping him a new arsehole!

Maybe the two of you are well matched indeed. 🫤

Oh dear it would appear you're married to the office creepy old bloke. Ah well most of them have retired thank god. Hopefully he will retire (or get pushed out) too before long.

He's the gift that keeps giving.

He makes a highly inappropriate comment
He then decides she is the one in the wrong who and overreacted because she's highly strung
He then minimises the incident as a basically a mountain out of molehill, a view which will no doubt, in his mind, be corroborated by his bosses with a 'slap on the wrist' who will see ridiculous and over-sensitive this woman is being.

He's probably now already revised his initial assessment and concluded she's most likely not getting enough and probably needs a good seeing to.

It's a very creepy comment and probably one of many that your OH has made to women. Why do you seem fine with this?

It's not a race to the bottom - I know women who have been raped by coworkers but that doesn't mean I think your OH's comments are fine, or thinking "well I'm glad that's the worst he's done". Men can and should be held to a higher standard than making creepy, sexist comments to women they work with.

I'd hate it if my DP made comments like this with to another woman, it's so disrespectful. And I grew up with multiple brothers/in a very male environment so I definitely am fine with banter, but that comment was gross.

Highly strung 🤣

No. She'd just reached the end of her tether with having to deal with your dickhead OH and his dickhead comments.

Oh @CircleBakerhave you really described people who find inappropriate sexual comments offensive woke?

Sounds like you’re as bad as your husband.
He deserves to be disciplined and you need to raise your bar.

It's totally inappropriate in the work place. I don't know if I would have reported it but it wouldn't have bounced off me unnoticed, shall we say. Presumably, though friendly, they don't normally indulge in suggestive banter?

I am wondering about the veracity here now, since I find it hard to believe anyone is this tone deaf, but the "modern worker" - and I retired at 67 last year - has never accepted this sort of sleazy backchat. I started work in the 70's and we were already "woke" enough to fight discrimination and harassment in the workplace. Half of the current laws are in place because we fought for the right to be treated with equality and respect. If that is "woke" then I am proud to be woke. Shame on you for thinking that women have to accept the f*ing crap men hand out daily just because they are men.

Guessing same ish age as you I think ( late 50s)
I work in a very male environment

Ive

• been sat on a white draped virgin chair at a meeting the day before my wedding
• had clients ask to be taken to ‘ School Dinners’ restaurant in London where if you don’t eat all your food women dressed as teachers with canes bend you over a table and whip you
• been told to wear something short and low for a client do

I definitely gave back as much as I got and didnt take any of this crap lightly …..but in those days I needed a job and everyone knows everyone in my Industry.
Gosh how times have changed

Bollocks OP. It’s not woke, it’s simply ‘do better’.

I’m pushing 50 and remember the good ‘ol days of all the bants. Except they weren’t the good ol’ days were they.

Sorry you married it and he hasn’t kept up with some of the basics. Rule #1 - don’t be a dick.

I'm in the 'the world has gone mad' camp.

It just seems that you can't do or say anything these days without someone taking offense.

Is this someone who he would normally have banter with? I think you generally get a feel for which colleagues you can joke with, and those where the relationship stays strictly professional. Likewise, this goes for the person dishing out the joke; some you know are just having a laugh whereas some come across as a bit of a sleaze.

I've got a colleague who has just been reported for something deemed 'inappropriate'. To most of us, who aren't looking to always be offended, it was nothing really, it only took one person to dislike the topic being discussed and she now has a warning on her record for 12 months 🙄

Tell your husband to give Ms Frosty a wide berth from now on.