Page 22 | Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

Notmotherofflowergirls · 2025-05-29T10:19:21+00:00

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding. Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding. The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them. I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out. Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there. Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together. What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

youredreaming · 31/05/2025 00:58

motheroflittledragon · 31/05/2025 00:56

to be honest i kind of do agree with the stance that once a couple is married or been together in a long term relationship it is polite to invite them as a couple to important events which a wedding is. my husband is an important person to me so i would expect the curtesy from family for them to acknowledge this relationship. one big reason i decided to decline my cousin’s invite when on my invite it only mentioned my name and a plus one. so i knew it was not about numbers but sheer attitude that my husband did not matter to them which hurtful after i had specified my cousin’s fiancée’s name on his invite before they were even engaged.

i do realise that there might be instances where one of the couple has to stay home but that is then usually a personal choice from the couple rather then a lack of invite.

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Nah. The only response to a wedding invitation is to accept or decline. It's really normal and very common not to invite extended family for a number of reasons. Always has been.

She's just a cousin in law, it's actually a total nothingburger.

youredreaming · 31/05/2025 01:18

youredreaming · 31/05/2025 00:33

It's great you have realised that everyone at the wedding would have seen through your plan to that you were plan to hang round with a hopeful sad face and you have accepted that you should not humiliate yourself like this.

If you really want to go where you're not wanted or needed, nobody can stop you of course.

It's incredibly normal, and always has been, to restrict numbers at weddings. Obviously the groom had to make things clear because he got wind of people like you trying to sneak in "for a dance" and a drink where they're not invited.

As others have said of course he must limit numbers and there are all sorts of good reasons for that that he does not have to explain at all because it's his wedding and not yours.

It's also fabulous that the groom did this, neatly circumventing the sort of arseholes who would call her a bridezilla if his wife to be was sending the communications. Well done to that groom for stepping up and making sure his wife gets the wedding they both want and deserve.

Eleven first cousin invites is extremely generous too.

So your choice is to let your husband go and have a nice time with the people he grew up with instead of forcing him to constantly worry about you being on your own, or to be selfish, needy, crass and weird, up to you.

You seem to have chosen the former, so that's great.

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Sorry for the typos, left it too late and cannot edit!

Tbrh · 31/05/2025 01:38

motheroflittledragon · 31/05/2025 00:56

to be honest i kind of do agree with the stance that once a couple is married or been together in a long term relationship it is polite to invite them as a couple to important events which a wedding is. my husband is an important person to me so i would expect the curtesy from family for them to acknowledge this relationship. one big reason i decided to decline my cousin’s invite when on my invite it only mentioned my name and a plus one. so i knew it was not about numbers but sheer attitude that my husband did not matter to them which hurtful after i had specified my cousin’s fiancée’s name on his invite before they were even engaged.

i do realise that there might be instances where one of the couple has to stay home but that is then usually a personal choice from the couple rather then a lack of invite.

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I'm sure if the budget allowed for it they would've. When planning these things you need to make a decision what to do to fit within that. No matter what they did someone would find a way to complain. Also I find that stance weird anyway, you are still an individual, once you are married you don't become one unit. How would it work, if you have a partner for longer than a married couple then you're less of a couple? What's a long term relationship? What if you get along and know someone's short term boyfriend better than someone's husband for decades? What if its a second marriage? It's not actually easy or simple, and its not like the couple wants to do it with any event you have constraints. I can't believe some of the attitudes on here, just do the decent thing and let the couple enjoy their day. Pretty terrible to purposely try and cause issues.

RawBloomers · 31/05/2025 02:57

Tbrh · 31/05/2025 01:38

I'm sure if the budget allowed for it they would've. When planning these things you need to make a decision what to do to fit within that. No matter what they did someone would find a way to complain. Also I find that stance weird anyway, you are still an individual, once you are married you don't become one unit. How would it work, if you have a partner for longer than a married couple then you're less of a couple? What's a long term relationship? What if you get along and know someone's short term boyfriend better than someone's husband for decades? What if its a second marriage? It's not actually easy or simple, and its not like the couple wants to do it with any event you have constraints. I can't believe some of the attitudes on here, just do the decent thing and let the couple enjoy their day. Pretty terrible to purposely try and cause issues.

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No one’s said you can’t invite a short term boyfriend whom you know well, how is that relevant to inviting long term partners?

If the bride and groom in the OP’s post would have invited partners/spouses had their budget stretched, then surely they’d be happy for them to be around for drinks or breakfast that they aren’t paying for? That they don’t want them turning up for those bits suggests they are keener on maintaining whatever vibe they hope to have with the cousins there without their spouses than they are on acknowledging/supporting their cousins’ relationships with their partners.

Tbrh · 31/05/2025 03:16

RawBloomers · 31/05/2025 02:57

No one’s said you can’t invite a short term boyfriend whom you know well, how is that relevant to inviting long term partners?

If the bride and groom in the OP’s post would have invited partners/spouses had their budget stretched, then surely they’d be happy for them to be around for drinks or breakfast that they aren’t paying for? That they don’t want them turning up for those bits suggests they are keener on maintaining whatever vibe they hope to have with the cousins there without their spouses than they are on acknowledging/supporting their cousins’ relationships with their partners.

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So now they're not acknowledging and supporting their cousins relationships 🤣 Ffs, get a grip, are you always this dramatic 🙄 Some seriously 🦇💩 comments on this thread

motheroflittledragon · 31/05/2025 03:25

Tbrh · 31/05/2025 03:16

So now they're not acknowledging and supporting their cousins relationships 🤣 Ffs, get a grip, are you always this dramatic 🙄 Some seriously 🦇💩 comments on this thread

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well it is kind of true to be honest.

motheroflittledragon · 31/05/2025 03:26

Tbrh · 31/05/2025 03:16

So now they're not acknowledging and supporting their cousins relationships 🤣 Ffs, get a grip, are you always this dramatic 🙄 Some seriously 🦇💩 comments on this thread

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the fact that they are not acknowledging the relationship part being true i mean

RawBloomers · 31/05/2025 03:49

Tbrh · 31/05/2025 03:16

So now they're not acknowledging and supporting their cousins relationships 🤣 Ffs, get a grip, are you always this dramatic 🙄 Some seriously 🦇💩 comments on this thread

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Not really seeing the drama in my comment. Wording wasn't supposed to imply they were out to get them or something. Just that they are ignoring the relationship and certainly not seeing it in the way motheroflittledragon was describing.

Tbrh · 31/05/2025 03:51

motheroflittledragon · 31/05/2025 03:26

the fact that they are not acknowledging the relationship part being true i mean

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It's really not. You're making far too many assumptions and quite honestly putting far too much meaning into things. I find it disturbing that people could draw such extreme conclusions

RawBloomers · 31/05/2025 04:06

Tbrh · 31/05/2025 03:51

It's really not. You're making far too many assumptions and quite honestly putting far too much meaning into things. I find it disturbing that people could draw such extreme conclusions

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In what way have they acknowledged the relationship between their cousins and their cousins' spouses?

Tbrh · 31/05/2025 04:42

RawBloomers · 31/05/2025 04:06

In what way have they acknowledged the relationship between their cousins and their cousins' spouses?

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Honestly I can't be bothered engaging in such a ridiculous debate, because I'm normal and don't think the world revolves around me. The couple did not exclude people to be malicious, they can't invite everyone so they have done what they thought was best and fair from their perspective. The fact they wrote a letter shows it was a considered decision. The other alternative would have been to not invite any of the cousins, which I'm sure would've create even more of a fuss. When you have a big family and lots of friends you have to make the cut somewhere, unless you have unlimited funds of course.

RawBloomers · 31/05/2025 05:43

Tbrh · 31/05/2025 04:42

Honestly I can't be bothered engaging in such a ridiculous debate, because I'm normal and don't think the world revolves around me. The couple did not exclude people to be malicious, they can't invite everyone so they have done what they thought was best and fair from their perspective. The fact they wrote a letter shows it was a considered decision. The other alternative would have been to not invite any of the cousins, which I'm sure would've create even more of a fuss. When you have a big family and lots of friends you have to make the cut somewhere, unless you have unlimited funds of course.

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I haven’t said they were malicious. You‘ve set up a straw man argument here.

Rh0dedenr0n · 31/05/2025 06:19

Notmotherofflowergirls · 29/05/2025 14:03

I have met the groom and DH’s cousins and their partners hundreds of times. All cousins and their partners (not all the same partners now) came to our wedding. I would like to have been invited but it’s clearly nothing personal.

I didn’t want to go in the hope I would have been invited to have a dance, I wanted to use the hotel room and the facilities.

I think expressing a wish to complete strangers that I would have liked a dance has derailed the thread. I had no intention of actually hanging around the wedding with my dancing shoes.

I do think the restrictions on night before and breakfast is a bit much.

Jesus, martyr much? 😂 You asked if you were being unreasonable, which shows you must have had some doubts yourself; then were told you are being unreasonable and now you’re in a strop because people have told you so

GentleJadeOP · 31/05/2025 07:26

Notmotherofflowergirls · 29/05/2025 14:03

I have met the groom and DH’s cousins and their partners hundreds of times. All cousins and their partners (not all the same partners now) came to our wedding. I would like to have been invited but it’s clearly nothing personal.

I didn’t want to go in the hope I would have been invited to have a dance, I wanted to use the hotel room and the facilities.

I think expressing a wish to complete strangers that I would have liked a dance has derailed the thread. I had no intention of actually hanging around the wedding with my dancing shoes.

I do think the restrictions on night before and breakfast is a bit much.

You are being ridiculous annd trying to complicate things and it seems needy. It’s their wedding, stay away, do something nice instead. How much clearer can they make it that they only want invited guests there?

MyLimeGuide · 31/05/2025 07:29

I think it was out of order you are not invited. However, humans generally are!! So you should suck it up and move on, dont go.

GentleJadeOP · 31/05/2025 07:29

randomchap · 30/05/2025 22:15

I really don't see why people are suggesting she looks for loopholes in the invite

Are you just looking for drama, and an exciting thread to read? Entertainment from someone else's situation.

She is not invited.

Hanging around is just going to cause embarrassment and awkwardness.

Exactly

Sadworld23 · 31/05/2025 09:36

Notmotherofflowergirls · 29/05/2025 14:41

I was More than happy to pay for the attached spa and treatments.

I'd probably do the same, means DH has someone to sleep with, and you get a mini break.
I guess people are getting upset bc it will look odd if you are there but don't attend the wedding. If you keep a low profile it would be fine. Even if you don't know other spouses I suspect a few others will be doing the same.

cardibach · 31/05/2025 10:51

DH has someone to sleep with? Why on earth would an adult need this for one night away? Are people so incapable of being alone?
Same if you mean sex rather than sleep really. It’s one night.

CantStopMoving · 31/05/2025 11:00

motheroflittledragon · 31/05/2025 00:56

to be honest i kind of do agree with the stance that once a couple is married or been together in a long term relationship it is polite to invite them as a couple to important events which a wedding is. my husband is an important person to me so i would expect the curtesy from family for them to acknowledge this relationship. one big reason i decided to decline my cousin’s invite when on my invite it only mentioned my name and a plus one. so i knew it was not about numbers but sheer attitude that my husband did not matter to them which hurtful after i had specified my cousin’s fiancée’s name on his invite before they were even engaged.

i do realise that there might be instances where one of the couple has to stay home but that is then usually a personal choice from the couple rather then a lack of invite.

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I think all it reveals is different attitudes to family. Once my husband I got married we are a family unit and as such we would attend family events together. It would never ever have occurred to me in a million years to ever invite one half of a married couple to a wedding. We would either have had a bigger wedding or simply have said, sorry we are keeping it super small and only a very small amount of people are invited and just not invited cousins. I consider myself part of my husband’s family as if I was born into it. They have been part of my life longer than they haven’t. It is really offensive to be just seen as my husband’s wife rather than actually someone to invite in my own right. That’s the bit I’d find strange that people don’t seem to have that relationship with their in laws. I thought that was pretty common. I actually probably talk to his blood relatives more than my husband’s does!

vintagehope · 31/05/2025 11:15

Sadworld23 · 31/05/2025 09:36

I'd probably do the same, means DH has someone to sleep with, and you get a mini break.
I guess people are getting upset bc it will look odd if you are there but don't attend the wedding. If you keep a low profile it would be fine. Even if you don't know other spouses I suspect a few others will be doing the same.

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It’s worrying if your husband can’t sleep on his own for one night.

fiveIsNewOne · 31/05/2025 12:09

cardibach · 31/05/2025 10:51

DH has someone to sleep with? Why on earth would an adult need this for one night away? Are people so incapable of being alone?
Same if you mean sex rather than sleep really. It’s one night.

Actually two nights.

And this is not about proving a capability to someone, this is about people enjoying their life, even when the life happens to be temporary located at a relatively expensive hotel - probably more expensive than one they typically spend a weekend at.

motheroflittledragon · 31/05/2025 12:19

CantStopMoving · 31/05/2025 11:00

I think all it reveals is different attitudes to family. Once my husband I got married we are a family unit and as such we would attend family events together. It would never ever have occurred to me in a million years to ever invite one half of a married couple to a wedding. We would either have had a bigger wedding or simply have said, sorry we are keeping it super small and only a very small amount of people are invited and just not invited cousins. I consider myself part of my husband’s family as if I was born into it. They have been part of my life longer than they haven’t. It is really offensive to be just seen as my husband’s wife rather than actually someone to invite in my own right. That’s the bit I’d find strange that people don’t seem to have that relationship with their in laws. I thought that was pretty common. I actually probably talk to his blood relatives more than my husband’s does!

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exactly how i feel. it was hurtful. that on top of misspelling my name and their wedding date being so close to my own anniversary i got the impression that i was not a important guest and politely declined and realised that the dynamics had shifted from when we grew up without me realising

cardibach · 31/05/2025 12:31

fiveIsNewOne · 31/05/2025 12:09

Actually two nights.

And this is not about proving a capability to someone, this is about people enjoying their life, even when the life happens to be temporary located at a relatively expensive hotel - probably more expensive than one they typically spend a weekend at.

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Oh, two nights. Totally understandable that an adult needs someone with them then…

HonoriaBulstrode · 31/05/2025 12:36

....their wedding date being so close to my own anniversary...

What? Are people not allowed to pick a wedding date close to someone else's anniversary?

Good grief.

In a large extended family, taking both bride and groom's side into consideration, any date is likely to be close to someone's anniversary/birthday/due date/anniversary of bereavement/you name it. And avoiding the anniversary of the day Granddad died, when Grandma is going to be at the wedding, would be a lot more important than avoiding Cousin Betty's wedding anniversary, even supposing you remembered when it was.

motheroflittledragon · 31/05/2025 12:46

HonoriaBulstrode · 31/05/2025 12:36

....their wedding date being so close to my own anniversary...

What? Are people not allowed to pick a wedding date close to someone else's anniversary?

Good grief.

In a large extended family, taking both bride and groom's side into consideration, any date is likely to be close to someone's anniversary/birthday/due date/anniversary of bereavement/you name it. And avoiding the anniversary of the day Granddad died, when Grandma is going to be at the wedding, would be a lot more important than avoiding Cousin Betty's wedding anniversary, even supposing you remembered when it was.

did you miss the fact that my name was misspelled and that i was given a plus one instead of one that said my husband’s name? (something i was singled out for by the way as i did check with my other cousin the only other one married who told me her’s did have her husband’s and kids names too on the invite)