Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

I would be relieved and enjoy some time to myself lol 😆

So would I. 🤣

So if you turn up at the hotel and it's obvious that you are there then that could be embarrassing for the wedding party especially the groom. It could make them feel guilty and uncomfortable that you are there but not actually an invited guest. Also it could put pressure on them to find a way to accommodate you into the wedding. I'm not saying that this definitely how they would feel but it's the last thing that they want to have to worry about on their wedding day.

eleven first cousins!!! Sounds like they have been ever so polite

stay away!!!

So spouses weren’t invited but still come?

What a headache…soon enough, you will receive a letter of disinvite if the ladies/monsieurs don’t calm themselves… it is just a case of « not this one »!

do something special yourself…and have fun!

I have probably triple that! I’ll sit down one day and count.

I’m from a large Irish catholic background in both sides. 🇮🇪.

In recent years, the way to “slim” down the numbers was to invite one cousin from each family and their partner. The cost of weddings these days means you just couldn’t invite them all. Never caused an issue. But to be honest I love the idea of inviting just the cousins (although still too many in our family), and have a good old family meet up.

I’m a bit surprised you’re so keen to attend the hotel OP. Sounds like the groom and bride made some tough decisions re guest list (probs due to money) and as you said, you haven’t been singled out at all.

Even if the general public is allowed in parts of the hotel, I would just avoid it and not go. It’s awkward to be there when you’re not invited and awkward to hope they’ll invite you in for a dance. As someone mentioned, the groom is obviously worried they’ll have to pay extra and if you go and “have a dance” it’s harsh on the other cousins spouses.

I would book a spa weekend in a completely different hotel and enjoy yourself!

im also a tiny bit petty and as I wasn’t invited, I wouldn’t want to go and then just attend the breakfast etc

I would call the hotel and find out if it has been hired for the exclusive use of the wedding. If not, clarify if the bar will be open the night before the wedding or if it is closed for a private event.

if the hotel will have non-wedding guests, proceed with your plans. If it is booked exclusively, then I would stay home.

Just let your husband enjoy himself, drink a bit too much, snore his bloody head off and wake up with a hangover in peace.

Do something you have wanted to do for ages.
Cinema, gallery, spa, long soak in the bath with candles and wine?
Relax, knowing there's nobody there to burst the bubble.

I think you have every right to stay in the room you and your husband have paid for -I don’t understand weddings that split couples when a wedding is all about a union - that said if they can’t afford extra numbers that’s different - what’s changed in recent years that people spend silly amounts getting married and do not care if they cause upset in other households by their decisions - maybe your husband and you could go and eat elsewhere - did you invite cousins and partners to yours as if you did this is even more understandable that you are disappointed …but you should go if you want - why care what they think they don’t care that much about you do they ?

Totally agree - do something fab you’ve always wanted to do for yourself!

If you don't approve of someone's wedding invitation decisions then you don't go.

Why not just deliver the invite?

decline

What's a mother in law's nephew?

Is that like a fifteenth cousin twice removed?

Yeah but if the person isn't wanted, it's a bit embarrassing to turn up and hang around

DH's first cousin. The DC of MIL sibling. I assumed.

The groom sounds nuts and controlling. @Notmotherofflowergirls go if you want to and use the spa and the hotel room as you please. Cousin is a total weirdo.

The groom sounds nuts and controlling. @Notmotherofflowergirls go if you want to and use the spa and the hotel room as you please. Cousin is a total weirdo.

I would go and use the facilities that you and your husband have paid for. If they have not paid for exclusive use of the hotel then they are unreasonable to stop you. The night before… depends where it is within the hotel. My sił got married in a nice hotel with people stopping the night before. Drinks were had in the public bar (not paid for by the bride and groom) then close family had a meal (paid got) in private room. There were guests and public in the bar area but only the invited family in the private room.

breakfast is unlikely to be private, but if they are not paying then they would be unreasonable to suggest you can’t eat with your husband.

Just make sure you stay away as much as possible from the festivities on the day then none can think bad of you. If you do see them the night before, stress how much you are looking forward to relaxing in the spa/pool/reading a book etc the next day and couldn’t pass up the opportunity.

I really don't see why people are suggesting she looks for loopholes in the invite

Are you just looking for drama, and an exciting thread to read? Entertainment from someone else's situation.

She is not invited.

Hanging around is just going to cause embarrassment and awkwardness.

This cousin doesn't own the hotel if you want to pay to use the spa why not .... and use the room your husband paid for what's up with that.
I think the cousin is being over the top why not invite spouses or partners to the evening do ... I think that's rubbish.

maybe your husband and you could go and eat elsewhere

So he should dump his family, who are expecting him to spend time with them and were perhaps looking forward to seeing him? What is the point of him being there at all if he's going to take every opportunity to abandon the wedding party? He might as well go just for the ceremony and forget the rest of the weekend.

It's great you have realised that everyone at the wedding would have seen through your plan to that you were plan to hang round with a hopeful sad face and you have accepted that you should not humiliate yourself like this.

If you really want to go where you're not wanted or needed, nobody can stop you of course.

It's incredibly normal, and always has been, to restrict numbers at weddings. Obviously the groom had to make things clear because he got wind of people like you trying to sneak in "for a dance" and a drink where they're not invited.

As others have said of course he must limit numbers and there are all sorts of good reasons for that that he does not have to explain at all because it's his wedding and not yours.

It's also fabulous that the groom did this, neatly circumventing the sort of arseholes who would call her a bridezilla if his wife to be was sending the communications. Well done to that groom for stepping up and making sure his wife gets the wedding they both want and deserve.

Eleven first cousin invites is extremely generous too.

So your choice is to let your husband go and have a nice time with the people he grew up with instead of forcing him to constantly worry about you being on your own, or to be selfish, needy, crass and weird, up to you.

You seem to have chosen the former, so that's great.

to be honest i kind of do agree with the stance that once a couple is married or been together in a long term relationship it is polite to invite them as a couple to important events which a wedding is. my husband is an important person to me so i would expect the curtesy from family for them to acknowledge this relationship. one big reason i decided to decline my cousin’s invite when on my invite it only mentioned my name and a plus one. so i knew it was not about numbers but sheer attitude that my husband did not matter to them which hurtful after i had specified my cousin’s fiancée’s name on his invite before they were even engaged.

i do realise that there might be instances where one of the couple has to stay home but that is then usually a personal choice from the couple rather then a lack of invite.