Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

So what? 11 extra people on a dance floor is completely ridiculous to be bothered about. It’s not like it’s pay per head

Nobody wants 11 not-invited people on their dance floor.

And if the room capacity is 100 and they've invited 100 then 111 on the dance floor is going to cause them a hassle they don't need

Gate crashing any part of a wedding that you know you're not invited to is just downright rude.

To be fair so is not inviting someone’s spouse to a family wedding.

the person who was invited need not have accepted

So what?

you think going to sone thing you’re not invited to is acceptable?

Exactly. Guests could've stayed in other accommodation with whomever they wanted. It's absurd to say DH can't share a room HE'S paying for with his wife, purely because it's the most convenient location.

I think you should buy a new dress, perhaps even a new hat. Book a hotel room and turn up the night before the wedding. Hang around, see the ceremony from a crack in the door, perhaps your husband could bring you out a plate of food, and then once the dancing starts hit the floor! They’ll be so glad you’re there and will regret being so tight.

It's the wedding of her mother in law's nephew. It's hardly "family" for her.

I don’t think I disagree with you but then it’s a case of deciding whether to go or not, rather than potentially making a scene at the wedding.

OP how remote is the venue? Are there other hotels in the area with similar facilities?
If so, get DH to cancel the room and book another hotel?
He attends the wedding etc but the two of you have breakfast at your own hotel, while he is at the wedding you walk/drive if necessary to the village?

Exactly

If you want a spa day go somewhere else. Let your husband have fun with his cousins etc. One weekend apart is not long. No you can’t sneak in for a dance they have number restrictions for a reason and you need to respect their wishes.

Probably this, which you are basically trying to do. Don't be such a weirdo and have your spa weekend somewhere else.

Why? Why can't her husband just enjoy the weekend with his family. If it was a man doing this, it would be seen to be controlling

Go to a hotel somewhere you’ve always fancied visiting. Do all the nice treatments and meals there.

Because OP’s dh didn’t choose to go to the wedding alone! He has no choice other than not to go at all. Some couples enjoy being together, shock horror.

We wouldn’t be going at all. So at least they are considering attending - it would be a firm no from us.

Which if the OPs DH is not happy with the arrangements he could’ve said no!

He did choose to go alone.

Nothing wrong with couples spending time together, but that doesn’t need to mean every spare minute.

If it’s all such an issue, just decline like you would. But the OPs DH hasn’t, so presumably he’s happy with the arrangements?

Well, just don't go and book yourself another hotel far away for the night.
Why would you hang around the hotel while the wedding was on, peeping through the doors and waiting for someone drunk enough to sneak you in.. becuase thats whag would happen.
I wouldnt enjoy staying at the hotel if ai knew my partner was at the wedding and it puts pressure on him to keep popping out and seeing you. Leave him to have this family time and find something else to do that weekend.

Of course couples like being together, it's also good for people to have some time apart occasionally. This is just weird. Poor guy probably was looking forward to having a weekend away.

It’s not precious or a bit much to want to spend time with family the evening before having a drink or sharing breakfast with them the next day to share thought etc on the day. It’s a nice time to catch up.
It is an invitation not a summons so if your partner is bothered then he could decline those invites and spend time with you? Why hasn’t he done that? Is it because he wants to do those things?

Can't believe how rude you and the cousin partners are.

I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t use the hotel room your husband has booked to have a spa day as long as you have some ground rules. don’t join him in the bar the night before ( perhaps you two have dinner out?) and he pops in for a quick drink. You shouldn’t go anywhere near the wedding day and evening reception .
If breakfast is paid for by individual guests there is no reason why you can’t have breakfast together but perhaps don’t sit near the bride and groom . Or perhaps sit with the other spouses at the other end of the restaurant.
There may be some bad feeling now though that the bride and groom have been so forthright about wanting spouses to stay away… not very nice .

I think it’s poor form of the groom here. It’s ok to have a smaller guest list for the wedding itself but I don’t think he can dictate what guests do the night before or at the breakfast the day after if he hasn’t paid for the rooms and the breakfast.

OP I would go and do as you have suggested. Stay away from ‘their’ bar the night before and go for breakfast at a time that suits you and avoid their area. I have a feeling they might cringe and regret this in years to come

I don’t think you would be unreasonable to go and stay at the hotel and do your own thing whilst your DH is at the wedding. Unless it is a free bar for invited guests the night before they would also be a bit petty not allowing you to join them for a drink in the hotel bar the night before. I can understand them restricting numbers for the actual wedding due to costs.

OP - they asked nicely, explained it. it’s not personal.

so just respect their wishes and don’t turn up for ffs!! It’s not just about paying for things but your presence - what if other partners find out you were there and don’t understand the context? Also, I’m not being funny but I would want to have to see someone I didn’t invite at breakfast the next morning.

Or she could stay home and do literally anything else that weekend? They’re not going to die if he goes to a wedding without her.