Page 20 | Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

Notmotherofflowergirls · 2025-05-29T10:19:21+00:00

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding. Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding. The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them. I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out. Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there. Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together. What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

GarlicPile · 30/05/2025 08:22

pelargoniums · 30/05/2025 08:09

Or she could stay home and do literally anything else that weekend? They’re not going to die if he goes to a wedding without her.

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I don't think OP's mentioned her family finances. For many of us, staying at a nice hotel is a luxury to be savoured. We wouldn't be able to just pop off for a weekend like that when we wanted and, having forked out for the room plus all the associated wedding-guest expenses, would want to make the most of it.

I do think it's rude of the couple to dictate what guests may do with their rooms! You want that much control, you pay for it.

KarmaKameelion · 30/05/2025 08:28

pelargoniums · 30/05/2025 08:09

Or she could stay home and do literally anything else that weekend? They’re not going to die if he goes to a wedding without her.

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I don’t get these posters who can’t be away from their husband for a night. I’m reading all the posts in the voice of hyacinth bucket… and imagining the husbands going ‘yes dear’ 😂😂

Genevieva · 30/05/2025 08:39

KarmaKameelion · 30/05/2025 08:28

I don’t get these posters who can’t be away from their husband for a night. I’m reading all the posts in the voice of hyacinth bucket… and imagining the husbands going ‘yes dear’ 😂😂

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I think it’s about getting value out of sn expensive hotel room rather than that.

Exclusionary attitudes at weddings are unbecoming. With 11 cousins it is perhaps understandable if they can’t afford to have 11 extra spouses at the wedding reception, but it’s overly controlling and downright rude to say the spouses can’t make use of the hotel that weekend.

pelargoniums · 30/05/2025 08:39

GarlicPile · 30/05/2025 08:22

I don't think OP's mentioned her family finances. For many of us, staying at a nice hotel is a luxury to be savoured. We wouldn't be able to just pop off for a weekend like that when we wanted and, having forked out for the room plus all the associated wedding-guest expenses, would want to make the most of it.

I do think it's rude of the couple to dictate what guests may do with their rooms! You want that much control, you pay for it.

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But it’s not luxurious to hide away in a room and spend a weekend darting behind pillars and peering through doors making “ask me to dance” faces. Not is it luxurious for the DH not to get to fully partake in the wedding with his family because he’s had to compromise and stay elsewhere from his cousins and has to keep excusing himself from events around the wedding to go and keep OP company – some have suggested he merely “pops in” for a drink with the wedding crowd the night before but has dinner with OP. Or, shocking idea: she stays at home and he enjoys the night out!

It’s not a “we” situation. Her DH has been invited, he can make the most of it. If the family finances can’t handle that, the answer is to decline, not to bring OP along! The room costs the same either way, it’s not suddenly more bang for buck because her head’s using the other pillow – that’s a “putting muffins from the hotel buffet in your handbag for later” attitude. (I wouldn’t put it past this thread to suggest the DH snaffles OP some dinner and a bit of wedding cake, sneaking it up to the room on a napkin, actually.)

StScholastica · 30/05/2025 08:40

We had the entire Arsenal team invade the dance floor at our wedding in the early 90s. It was like ....what bride and groom??

I get that they've had to limit numbers, but it's a bit crass to say people can't bring partners. Personally I would just have had a smaller wedding, or just a giant evening party. Less stress all round.

Tbrh · 30/05/2025 09:33

Genevieva · 30/05/2025 08:39

I think it’s about getting value out of sn expensive hotel room rather than that.

Exclusionary attitudes at weddings are unbecoming. With 11 cousins it is perhaps understandable if they can’t afford to have 11 extra spouses at the wedding reception, but it’s overly controlling and downright rude to say the spouses can’t make use of the hotel that weekend.

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Weird logic. You're paying for it anyway, ita not suddenly cheaper for someone else to stay. Are you like Ross and take the batteries from the remote and the lightbulbs too??! 😜

GarlicPile · 30/05/2025 10:00

Tbrh · 30/05/2025 09:33

Weird logic. You're paying for it anyway, ita not suddenly cheaper for someone else to stay. Are you like Ross and take the batteries from the remote and the lightbulbs too??! 😜

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Weird logic. The same cost buys a night away for one or a night away for two. Most normal people would see it as better value for two, surely!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/05/2025 10:14

I think it’s about getting value out of sn expensive hotel room ...

Very possibly, @Genevieva, but the trouble is that some - and I'm not saying OP is necessarily one of them - then go on to say "Well we've paid all this money to attend so why shouldn't we have a drink/meal/whatever on them?"

All the B&G need is a few more taking this attitude and they've soon got a much bigger bill than they bargained for, and while views will vary on whether spouses should have been invited in the first place the DH didn't have to accept his

Tbrh · 30/05/2025 10:32

GarlicPile · 30/05/2025 10:00

Weird logic. The same cost buys a night away for one or a night away for two. Most normal people would see it as better value for two, surely!

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Yes but you can extrapolate like that til the cows come home, that was more my point. OP needs to stay home, it's embarrassing to turn up somewhere when you weren't invited. Have some self respect and let your husband have a nice weekend with his family.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 30/05/2025 10:43

Bloodtuch · 29/05/2025 14:18

I think the groom is sending these slightly framtic messages becuase he knows what they've done isn't quite the done thing.

No, it's because some of their cousins' spouses are batshit and don't know how to behave.

Tbrh · 30/05/2025 10:56

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 30/05/2025 10:43

No, it's because some of their cousins' spouses are batshit and don't know how to behave.

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💯

CantStopMoving · 30/05/2025 11:18

Tbrh · 30/05/2025 06:53

Why? Why can't her husband just enjoy the weekend with his family. If it was a man doing this, it would be seen to be controlling

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They are married - so it is THEIR family!

perhaps I’m a bit weird but once I got married we come as a pair in each other’s families. I have their surname- I’m part of the clan! It would honestly be weird, after 25 years, for my husband to spend time at a wedding of his cousins without me there. I’ve been part of their family longer than I have not been part of it.

I love my sibling but honestly I didn’t think we’d know how to act on these occasions without our spouses being there!

EmeraldShamrock000 · 30/05/2025 11:21

Wow, yabvvu.
Why would you book yourself into the hotel where the venue was? I can't believe that the wedding party had mention no gatecrashing.

Darkmudder · 30/05/2025 11:26

Genevieva · 30/05/2025 08:39

I think it’s about getting value out of sn expensive hotel room rather than that.

Exclusionary attitudes at weddings are unbecoming. With 11 cousins it is perhaps understandable if they can’t afford to have 11 extra spouses at the wedding reception, but it’s overly controlling and downright rude to say the spouses can’t make use of the hotel that weekend.

Show quote history

No one has said they cant use the hotel - they have just said that there are arrangements for wedding guests to have drinks together in a private bar the night before and breakfast together the day after. If you were staying in a hotel and someone else was having a wedding or a company was having a conference with these logistics in place for their guests/staff you wounldnt tresspass their booked private space. Of course you can use all other areas of the hotel.

EWAB · 30/05/2025 11:39

You Say that your husband’s cousin has 11 first cousins; my partner’s cousin had something like 63/65 first cousins!!!!

Like your scenario he too wrote a letter prior to his marriage. He explained that because of recent events he saw family as important and wanted to invite all of his cousins first and some second and some first cousins once removed.

His friend had done something similar before Covid and he was inspired by this friend’s wedding.

No spouses were invited except the eldest cousin’s wife who was his Godmother.

He said that some friends were invited with spouses

He explained that to accommodate everyone food would consist of two buffets throughout the afternoon and evening.

Everything crystal clear.

Like your set up, hotel with pool, golf club, spa, on lake in Ireland near historic sites.

He said in his letter prior to invitations that he would prefer that guests didn’t come with partners as when his friend had done something similar the elder members of the family kept inviting the spouses who were in the hotel, two of the uncles felt obliged to put a couple of grand behind bar and once the disco started the spouses all rocked up to dance sending the hotel staff reeling.

I think you have every right to share that room that your husband has paid for BUT rightly or wrongly it puts the actual bride and groom and guests in a difficult position.

Auntie Bridie will spot a spouse in the hotel and will want to chat and then the wedding’s focus will be lost,

Now imagine how we felt when my brother didn’t invite our spouses? “If we invite people who are important to you we won’t have room for people who are important to us.” Is what he said to my sister.

godmum56 · 30/05/2025 11:43

EWAB · 30/05/2025 11:39

You Say that your husband’s cousin has 11 first cousins; my partner’s cousin had something like 63/65 first cousins!!!!

Like your scenario he too wrote a letter prior to his marriage. He explained that because of recent events he saw family as important and wanted to invite all of his cousins first and some second and some first cousins once removed.

His friend had done something similar before Covid and he was inspired by this friend’s wedding.

No spouses were invited except the eldest cousin’s wife who was his Godmother.

He said that some friends were invited with spouses

He explained that to accommodate everyone food would consist of two buffets throughout the afternoon and evening.

Everything crystal clear.

Like your set up, hotel with pool, golf club, spa, on lake in Ireland near historic sites.

He said in his letter prior to invitations that he would prefer that guests didn’t come with partners as when his friend had done something similar the elder members of the family kept inviting the spouses who were in the hotel, two of the uncles felt obliged to put a couple of grand behind bar and once the disco started the spouses all rocked up to dance sending the hotel staff reeling.

I think you have every right to share that room that your husband has paid for BUT rightly or wrongly it puts the actual bride and groom and guests in a difficult position.

Auntie Bridie will spot a spouse in the hotel and will want to chat and then the wedding’s focus will be lost,

Now imagine how we felt when my brother didn’t invite our spouses? “If we invite people who are important to you we won’t have room for people who are important to us.” Is what he said to my sister.

I think that's a fair comment.

Tbrh · 30/05/2025 12:04

CantStopMoving · 30/05/2025 11:18

They are married - so it is THEIR family!

perhaps I’m a bit weird but once I got married we come as a pair in each other’s families. I have their surname- I’m part of the clan! It would honestly be weird, after 25 years, for my husband to spend time at a wedding of his cousins without me there. I’ve been part of their family longer than I have not been part of it.

I love my sibling but honestly I didn’t think we’d know how to act on these occasions without our spouses being there!

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Yes you are weird if you have to be joined at the hip to your partner, and not being a great role model if you have children. Have you never had a family event when only one of you could go due to cost or distance or something else? It's a wedding and they can only invite so many people. Have you never held a party of event where you could only invite a certain number of people? People are so narrow minded, selfish and pig headed about other people's weddings.

randomchap · 30/05/2025 12:15

I think this thread does highlight one of the differences between men and women. Most men I know would be delighted to not be invited to their wife's cousin's wedding.

Tell their wife to have a great time, and then have a weekend doing what they want.

fiveIsNewOne · 30/05/2025 12:18

randomchap · 30/05/2025 12:15

I think this thread does highlight one of the differences between men and women. Most men I know would be delighted to not be invited to their wife's cousin's wedding.

Tell their wife to have a great time, and then have a weekend doing what they want.

That's why one of the other cousin's partner plans to come along and play golf on the wedding day?

Of course I 'm guessing based on stereotypes here, but don't you agree it sounds like a male partner tagging alone?

Catandsquirrel · 30/05/2025 12:36

randomchap · 30/05/2025 12:15

I think this thread does highlight one of the differences between men and women. Most men I know would be delighted to not be invited to their wife's cousin's wedding.

Tell their wife to have a great time, and then have a weekend doing what they want.

I think I read one husband wanted to play golf (I'm not checking)

I get it feels a bit overwhelming for the couple with these numbers of extra admin, and may feel a bit accusatory that they haven't invited people.

However, I think they have to take it in good faith if people just want to go to the hotel and do their own thing for the weekend. The room and transport cost money and not-very-close relatives can't expect people not to make the most of it. Fine that they've reiterated the terms of the invitation itself but they haven't got the exclusive use of the hotel and it's fine for the other halves of the couples to use it without impinging on the wedding.

Each couple may have several weddings in a given year. These costs can really add up.

OP has muddied the waters wanting to join the restaurant and saying the wanted to dance (although I don't think she had any expectation, was just hoping informally). But she was fine to explore and chill in the evening.

Toddlerteaplease · 30/05/2025 12:36

Why on earth would you stay in a hotel when you are not invited to the wedding. It makes you look desperate.

theDudesmummy · 30/05/2025 16:18

I certainly would be delighted not to be invited to a wedding full of people I don't know well, and would steer well clear.

Feetinthegrass · 30/05/2025 16:38

Toddlerteaplease · 30/05/2025 12:36

Why on earth would you stay in a hotel when you are not invited to the wedding. It makes you look desperate.

She has paid for the hotel room ffs rtwt! 🙄

lizzyBennet08 · 30/05/2025 17:39

Honestly I know you’re not expecting to be invited in but I think it would look bad to be hanging around the hotel. I think it potentially could look a bit desperate.

id take myself off to someone else or do another weekend with my husband.

Sunholidays · 30/05/2025 17:45

EWAB · 30/05/2025 11:39

You Say that your husband’s cousin has 11 first cousins; my partner’s cousin had something like 63/65 first cousins!!!!

Like your scenario he too wrote a letter prior to his marriage. He explained that because of recent events he saw family as important and wanted to invite all of his cousins first and some second and some first cousins once removed.

His friend had done something similar before Covid and he was inspired by this friend’s wedding.

No spouses were invited except the eldest cousin’s wife who was his Godmother.

He said that some friends were invited with spouses

He explained that to accommodate everyone food would consist of two buffets throughout the afternoon and evening.

Everything crystal clear.

Like your set up, hotel with pool, golf club, spa, on lake in Ireland near historic sites.

He said in his letter prior to invitations that he would prefer that guests didn’t come with partners as when his friend had done something similar the elder members of the family kept inviting the spouses who were in the hotel, two of the uncles felt obliged to put a couple of grand behind bar and once the disco started the spouses all rocked up to dance sending the hotel staff reeling.

I think you have every right to share that room that your husband has paid for BUT rightly or wrongly it puts the actual bride and groom and guests in a difficult position.

Auntie Bridie will spot a spouse in the hotel and will want to chat and then the wedding’s focus will be lost,

Now imagine how we felt when my brother didn’t invite our spouses? “If we invite people who are important to you we won’t have room for people who are important to us.” Is what he said to my sister.

In a situation like this I wouldn’t have had the wedding at a hotel. Choose another venue without accommodation if you don’t want to risk random non-invited people turning up at the bar or dance.

If you pick a hotel you cannot control who stays there unless you hire all the rooms yourself.