Death in nursing home - is this normal - a bit shocked.

[MistressoftheDarkSide]

I'm posting here because I have no-one I can really contact at this time of night.

My MIL has been on palliative care for the last couple of weeks - end stage dementia and possible bowel cancer which wasn't investigated fully after long conversations with her GP. She stopped recognising anyone over 5 years ago. I saw her on Tuesday and it was heartbreaking.

I had a call just after midnight to say she had passed away, and basically the nurse who called immediately asked me to arrange for her to be removed immediately. I am two hours away and my father died in the middle of April, so I am in the middle of organising his funeral. I had mentioned at a meeting with tge funeral director on Tuesday afternoon that my MIL would likely be their next customer but hadn't formally engaged them in respect of her because from experience of several deathbeds one can never be sure how long these things will take and it felt disrespectful. To be frank I'm struggling emotionally with losing my Dad and my MIL became my sole responsibility when my DP died three years ago.

I'm posting because I'm so taken aback by the almost indecent haste of all this. The nurse said she had passed literally ten minutes before they called me.

Nobody explained to me any sort of procedure when I was there on Tuesday. I was asked if anything was in place and said I would make arrangements, but nobody said that if she passed in the night I would be expected to organise everything then and there. They were most insistent that they couldn't keep her till morning even.

Fortunately the funeral directors have a 24 hour line so the nursing home contacted them, but because they are out if area it's all being done through another firm in the interim until all paperwork is completed.

I don't want to over react if this is standard procedure and this is all my fault, so has anyone else had a similar experience? I was left feeling as though I've just done everything wrong, and I'm in bits to be honest. I can't contact anyone for support till the morning, so if anyone can talk me down I'd be really grateful.

😱😱!

So sorry for your losses.

My dad died in a hospice and I was really surprised how quickly they pushed to call undertakers. My mum died in a hospital and they have a morgue. It took about 2 weeks to get her death certificate and for her body to be released.

God, there’s always one.

Sorry for your loses
It’s hot day , and very hot in nursing homes
i would not want a loved one lying around in their bed it’s not nice for staff

she could have worded it better maybe

It is very unusual for a relative to be asked to have body removed from care home ! Usually there is a care plan fore end of life which details what the wishes are ,regarding undertaker etc . Care home would contact undertaker directly.

I'm sorry for your loss.

This does sound normal to me, unfortunately. One of my relatives died in a care home early on Christmas morning and the staff phoned us more than once to insist that she be moved ASAP. It did seem impatient and insensitive, but I'm guessing they're following regulations.

It's disgraceful - your term "indecent" is the right word - but sadly this is pretty standard behaviour in a lot of nursing homes. The owners are only interested in profit - they don't see residents as humans, just a way to generate revenue, and once the resident dies they are no longer profitable. Unfortunately this attitude from the top usually permeates downwards through to lower-level staff.

Given the sad reality that a nursing home will see most patients there until they die, it should be a condition of running a nursing home that there is suitable provision for the storage of bodies in a respectful manner. But of course this would eat into their profits so they would never do anything unless they were forced.

There wasn’t a prepaid funeral or a preferred FD for DM - the care home phoned their usual FD, who I have to say were very considerate and respectful.

My (childless) aunt, OTOH, had prepaid hers, and had stated her wishes, for which we were very grateful when the time came.

Talking of ‘respectful’, we accompanied a distraught friend to the FD shortly after her dh had died in a hospice. It was years ago but I still remember the kind and considerate wording the director used. Instead of saying they’d collected him from the hospice, he said, ‘Tom* is now in our care.’

*not his real name.

But what regulations? I’m not aware of any legal or health requirement for a body to be removed from its location to an undertakers within two hours (as has been cited on the thread).

Its certainly not been my experience with deaths both in care/hospital settings or at home and the fact that so many posters have also had better experiences suggests that its a care home imposed rule. If care homes want to impose this rapid removal on bereaved relatives then they need the matching process at entry to discuss death arrangements and have a plan to execute.

I found out my mother had passed when th funeral director phoned me at 8am.
The home ( Barchester costs tousands) didn't bother telling me.

When dmil died in the early hours, she couldnt be moved until the doctor had signed the death certificate the following morning, which gave us time to phone the undertakers, who came very quickly.
So sorry for your loss op 💐

I've no idea, to be honest. It just seemed unlike the staff to be impatient.

That's awful, I'm so sorry.

That is appalling. I would be interested to know how good and bad experiences correlate with independent/small chain homes vs the big chains owned by private equity companies.

The most useful piece of advice we received when navigating this for the first time was focus on independents, don’t worry if the decor isn’t pristine. The chains all have pristine paintwork in the public areas but the independents had much lower staff turnover, more local staff and more engaged residents.

So very sorry for your losses OP. What a terrible time you are having.

We must have been lucky with our experience after reading some of these posts.

Dad died unexpectedly in a nursing home. It was the afternoon though and by the time we arrived the Police were there. We were asked if we had a preferred undertaker, which we didn't as it was unexpected. The home apparently had a rota of local undertakers who they arranged to come and collect him and take him to their Chapel of Rest. We were under no obligation to use them for the funeral but they were so kind we stayed with them. All very sympathetically handled by all concerned.

Dad paid a month in advance so as he had just paid we had the month to clear the room. We cleared the room the next day as the home said they could use the clothes if we didn't want them and there was not much in the way of personal possessions. They even gave us two weeks fees back as someone was moved in almost immediately.

Sadly the home closed down not long after.

I had a similar experience back in 2006 when my mum died. Also when I went to unpack her bag I realised they'd shoved in the last remnants of a bunch of grapes, a small opened carton of orange juice and a half eaten box of prawn/mayo salad. They were beginning to smell (it was a very hot summer) and had spilled all over mum's favourite dressing gown. It really upset me.

YANBU, the way it’s been handled sounds shocking. But the ASC system in this country is so overstretched that they have to get rooms emptied and turned around asap. They’re also likely understaffed, so need to ensure staff don’t have to sit with your MIL. I’m sorry for your loss

Sorry, I hadn’t meant to imply that your case was similar, just the realities we hadn’t thought about. My aunt was self-funded, and we’d have supplied whatever she might have needed, but evidently other residents were not so fortunate. My Dm’s care home was also a mix of self-funded and local-authority funded.

My positive experiences (both parents) were with Abbey Healthcare. I had some very minor gripes about their care while they were alive which were sorted immediately. I couldn’t fault the sensitivity post mortem.

Thanks and the doctor messed up the Death Certificate. I was beside myself.

I'm so sorry. That wasn't my experience at all - I was given the entire day to sit with my dad, although they did ask me within an hour or so which funeral directors we wanted to use, and they didn't rush us with removing his things either. He passed away on the Thursday morning and they seemed surprised when we went up on the Saturday to collect his things. He had been there for nine years, though, if that makes any difference, and many of the carers had known him/us from the start and were very close to him, so that might have served to give us a bit more leeway. (I think we had also paid to the end of the month).

Deeply sorry for your losses. You must be reeling.

That sounds horrendous. So insensitive. My DM was in a shared room and they had kept her room mate downstairs from first thing in the morning until bed time for a few days so that mum had privacy.

She died just after noon on the Sunday. The nurse confirmed that she had gone and took us down to the office and made us tea. Then she asked if we had an undertaker that we wanted to use which we had. She took the details and said she would contact them - I had already spoken to them and asked if they provided the service we wanted (a direct cremation, no funeral) and she took charge of everything, even asking if we had particular clothes we wanted her to wear, anything we wanted to put in the coffin with her. Even though we knew mum was dying and we had arrived at the home prepared to stay to the end we were still shell shocked and a bit tearful. It was as though all the love and care they had provided for mum shifted on to us and we were told to go home and come back when we were ready to collect her belongings, even if it took a week.

I can't believe what you have all been through. I thought mum's home was good but I didn't realise how good until I read posts here.

Dont talk nonsense! You have clearly never dealt with the death of a loved one. You arent my relative are you who wanted to finish their holiday before they sorted things out?

OP, I am so sorry for your losses and all you have had to deal with..

I'm a bit surprised at all the comments about hurrying bodies away. DHs family are Irish, and 'waking' the deceased is absolutely normal for them, as has been for generations, long before embalming was a thing.

I am so sorry for your loss, OP - for your MIL and your Father. Do you have support?

Your experience is nothing like what happened when my MIL died in a nursing home recently. As soon as they knew it would be days/a week her NOK was taken aside and the protocol explained, including the short time frame to move her to the funeral home.

She died in the small hours and we couldn't call the funeral home until they opened (we are in a small town so they are not 24hr).

When life is more settled I would definitely talk to the home about this.