DH throwing out my things

[fa556]

DH is a minimalist to the extreme, he has very little in terms of 'things'. Naturally I'm the opposite, a hoarder. Over the years I've conceded ground and downsized a LOT to pacify him, although it's probably fair to say that I still have too much stuff and it's also a bit messy and cluttered. Having kids has obviously brought more stuff to the house generally, but my own "stuff" is contained, with most of the house being tidy and (from my perspective at least) quite minimalist as he likes it. The "stuff" is in our bedroom (my side) to some extent, but mostly in my study which only I use.
In response to my compromises, instead of compromising too he seems to be going the other way. I'm increasingly finding my stuff in the bin, or things have just disappeared. I'm not talking about my most prized possessions, but they are things that I have bought, with my own money, for myself, that are on my side of the bedroom or in my study. I've always known not to leave things lying around in the kitchen or lounge or whatever for this reason, but it's like he's encroaching more and more on what I'd consider limited private spaces. To be fair, a lot of them are not big stuff. But even if it's just a receipt, it might be for some things I had meant to return or where I was going to claim something back as an expense. But to him, he's right and I'm wrong.
Even if it's actually something that is completely unimportant and doesn't matter to me, I still feel in principle that he shouldn't be throwing out my things from my study without checking or at the very least telling me. Am I being unreasonable?
When I pick him up on something specific, the response is always about the actual thing in question "what were you going to do with it anyway / it had a rip in it / you said yourself you have too many socks". Where for me, it's about the principle of it being up to me what to do with my own things. He says my clutter affects him as he lives here too, but he increasingly seems to be looking for it beyond surface level (while he is extremely private about his own things).
His 'need' to get rid of things also extends to perishable goods. So I might buy an expensive condiment (where he won't spend a penny more than he has to on anything), or I'll get a bottle of Baileys as a present from someone, he'll use them up as fast as he can, I'm talking days, not really 'enjoying' them as far as I can see, but just to get them out of the house. And inside I feel "hey they are my nice things", but am I just being selfish?
The other side is that I probably do have too much stuff and too much emotional attachment to 'things'. And gifts I receive like the Baileys could be in the cupboard for weeks/months otherwise. He says they're there to be used. Should I just give in?
At the moment I'm not giving in, at least not in my head, it's a huge source of frustration for me. But any effort to put a boundary in place on this, as with anything else really, is met with a bullheaded wall of stubborness ("I'm not agreeing to that"). I basically have to let it go time and again. But it's making me very anxious, what will be gone next?

I think you’ve either misread my post or have quoted the wrong post. I am definitely not assuming goodwill on his part!

Exactly! I’m a neat freak, DP isn’t. His study is like a clown car stuffed with landfill. Doesn’t affect me in the slightest, I have no need or reason to go in and he keeps the door closed. Why should I give a hoot? It wouldn’t affect me if I went in there and threw it all out and made it like my Spartan study, because I don’t need to be in there. It would affect and upset him, the same way it would affect and upset me if he dumped stuff in my room. OP’s study has no impact on anyone, and it’s her one safe space. Which is why her husband is intent on removing that from her.

…you are correct. I meant to quote the post you quoted! Sorry

OP, I grew up with the opposite of your husband as my father and it has deeply affected me, I would urge you to see this from your children's perspective and to see how much he will burden them with mentally as they grow up!

I developed a complex relationship with 'things' and even today struggle to throw out worn clothing or broken items due to internal feelings of guilt and shame.

In my home things were not to be thrown away, and if they were they would be plucked out of the bin or I would get told off for doing that when 'it all costs money'. we were by no means rich but we weren't on the breadline. he would bring home lots of things from charity shops vaguely related to my hobbies and i was scared to tell him i wanted to stop a hobby because he would shout that he had gotten me all these things for it (often unsuitable or broken items).

Your children WILL grow up thinking that they need to bin their belongings and sentimental items because he WILL start doing it to them!

Think how you will feel when you find out that they are scared their things will be taken or start keeping things at friends houses/school lockers, will they feel burdened to hide their things when he visits their homes as adults, will they simply avoid inviting their parents over instead? will they wonder if something is wrong with them for forming normal attachments to things? you may be happy to be treated like this but from your descriptions you are not a hoarder believe me!

When i was 17 my mother discovered that i was sneaking out items tucked under baggy clothing and snook into my school and pe bags and broke down crying because she had no idea it was affecting me so badly, she had left him within the week and never looked back

Please, for your children if not for yourself, do something to change this outcome for them

I am not sure how your response relates to my response to the poster I responded to?

I would never dream of throwing away my OH possessions unless I happen to see a holey sock or whatever.

And defo nothing in his office. There’s just no need. It’s his problem.

my partner is a hoarder. I believe childhood trauma is the route. But I find it difficult.I grew up with OCD tidiness, so the clutter can feel overwhelming. But I think it may be damaging to try to insist on removing items hoarded. I’m not sure what the answer is, but I suspect professional counselling may assist.

I have posted before but felt I had to say if you feel frightened of him you have to begin to make a plan for a life without him in it. He sounds abusive. It's like he's trying to erase you from your own home.

He sounds like a right prick tbh, OP @fa556
I’d dump him

PyongyangKipperbang
I agree, everyone's entitled to some space of their own. No way should anyone be moving or throwing away her things.

He doesn't deserve you.
He is not willing to change his ways.
You'd be much happier away from him.

Try and have a really contained area for your stuff. For example cupboards, drawers, a bureau desk that closes, a door that shuts. Boxes.
And then after that he really can't say anything.

Like.. her own office. In her house. That he goes into and removes items from to throw away.

Oh gosh, this is hard to read, and you questioning whether you’re exaggerating is very natural in a controlling and coercive relationship. His veiled threats and undertone of fear; you fawning as a very real response; him throwing your things out. Please reach out to a really good counsellor and see if you can get some face to face sessions without his knowledge. Confide in your GP (if it’s a good one!). Research coercive and controlling behaviour and narcissistic abuse. Gather evidence. Stay emotionally and physically safe. Your experiences sound very similar to mine. You’ll find the best solution for you and your children with the right support.

Does it have to be a drastic change? It seems to me you need a conversation about boundaries and mutual respect, and you need to make it clear that he simply does not get to throw away your belongings without consulting you - any more than you would throw away his stuff arbitrarily.

He has no right to bin your things, even receipts, without first asking you.
On the other hand, some people are really affected by any sort of clutter or mess. I understand you keep the majority in your own areas in the house but maybe he can still see it? Can you store the things you don’t use elsewhere, in the attic or garage? Or some other storage place? Then you still have your stuff if you ever need it but it won’t be causing him internal stress?
However him throwing away your stuff is inexcusable, no matter how the clutter makes him feel.

One of my lovely DSD has a husband like yours ; a controlling bully who allows no mess whatsoever. He used to throw out the DC’s toys if they were left in the living room .
It got so bad that we now have boxes of her stuff ( not clutter just personal possessions) in our attic for safekeeping.

What a sad story. So glad your mum left. Hope you’re ok now 🌺

My heart goes out to you & I wholeheartedly have much compassionate empathy & relate to the cruel, unfair treatment your husband is subjecting you to
Do you feel there would be dire consequences if you stood up to him & emphasised how most of your sentimental items are in your own unique office /study room & you're the one one whom uses it, therefore it affects no one!
He's got no right throwing your items & he must be really controlling to even contemplate doing so
Marriage & Relationships are all about compromise & he doesn't seem to be compromising or even considerate, just controlling
My father is a very controlling male too & oftentimes I think they do this type of thing just to show whom's boss
To have the upper hand
I'm Praying You Will Soon Feel Secure To Stand Up To Him & Stand Your Ground - Set Some Boundaries
Wishing You & Your Children All The Utmost Very Best

What I would hate is the constant stress of worrying what would be raided next. What possession that you value would be in the bin without asking.. It must be a constant adreline run and have you on tenterhooks...

Yes, indeed - you'd never be able to relax in your own home.

It must be like being a zookeeper, where every day you go into cages and feed the lions and tigers, knowing that they could potentially turn at any moment and rip your body to shreds.

The big differences being that you can leave the cage and relax once feeding time is over - and you know that they're just animals acting on instinct and they don't know any better. Unlike a selfish human who knows exactly what he's doing and has deliberately chosen to prioritise his own desires and needs over yours.

I have just reread all your posts. You sound afraid and unhappy, on edge all the time. This is no way to live your life, and isn't good for your children either. Unless your husband is prepared to accept there's a problem and work with you, there's not really a happy future for your relationship. I hung on to my first marriage, thinking I should make it work, for far longer than I should. The relief when I finally ended it was absolutely liberating, and despite the sadness of the breakup it was joyous to be myself again.
It seems a huge challenge, but it sounds as if you'd really be better away.

It seems very clear to me that your H is obsessive not minimalist.

He is the one with the issues, not you.

You are cowed into accepting his unreasonable behaviour and have been for a long time.

Thanks for the update OP. I quite understand how someone can wear you down describing you as a hoarder when you are not, it's like calling you a slob, or a dirty slut, it's abusive. I had sort of the opposite, my now ex truly was a hoarder, and not a tidy one. He would them describe me as the hoarder to deflect blame from him. Whatever reason, it is pretty abusive
I've attended freedom programme sessions, and none of us would deny that violence is horrible. But also most of us felt that coercive control, emotional abuse, is bad too, it is mental violence
I've known people who haven't quite got over their parents throwing their stuff out when they weren't there, perhaps on a school trip or holiday with grandma. One person found a loaf of her schoolwork gone that she still needed.
I think women in your situation have to think about what might happen as the children grow up. Will their school model that they are proud of and spent time making go in the bin. What about medals for dancing or sports, certificates, Lego models. Food too, instead of being able to eat their Easter eggs over a few weeks they have to hobble them down so they don't get eaten by someone else, will half a birthday cake left downstairs in a cake tin to be enjoyed over the next couple of days be there the next morning, or eaten or this out because it is clutter
I can see that being unable to keep their things safe could. Well. Lead. To actual. Hoarding as that child. Grows. Up

OP I am so sorry you are going through this. This thread does not make easy reading!

Like PPS I live with someone who has different ideas from me about the retention and storage of stuff. I might:

• nag him (why is there a pack of squirrel meat in the freezer FFS!)
• ask him to move it (eg that paperwork left on the kitchen counter)
• or even move it myself (anything left on my piano)

but I would NEVER throw something away without asking him first.

But what I want to pick up on it this : "And maybe I'm more at fault than I can see or say"
A relationship is not a balance sheet. You don't have to balance out his bad behaviours against your (perceived) faults. The question to ask yourself is "is this relationship so good in other ways that I can put up with this bad thing?".
Reading your posts I suspect the answer is NO.

Big hugs. In my experience grumpy cranky controlling people very rarely improve, they get worse, become more entitled and righteous.
If he accepted he has a problem and was willing to go to therapy, it would be different, but he won't take responsibility.