DH throwing out my things

[fa556]

DH is a minimalist to the extreme, he has very little in terms of 'things'. Naturally I'm the opposite, a hoarder. Over the years I've conceded ground and downsized a LOT to pacify him, although it's probably fair to say that I still have too much stuff and it's also a bit messy and cluttered. Having kids has obviously brought more stuff to the house generally, but my own "stuff" is contained, with most of the house being tidy and (from my perspective at least) quite minimalist as he likes it. The "stuff" is in our bedroom (my side) to some extent, but mostly in my study which only I use.
In response to my compromises, instead of compromising too he seems to be going the other way. I'm increasingly finding my stuff in the bin, or things have just disappeared. I'm not talking about my most prized possessions, but they are things that I have bought, with my own money, for myself, that are on my side of the bedroom or in my study. I've always known not to leave things lying around in the kitchen or lounge or whatever for this reason, but it's like he's encroaching more and more on what I'd consider limited private spaces. To be fair, a lot of them are not big stuff. But even if it's just a receipt, it might be for some things I had meant to return or where I was going to claim something back as an expense. But to him, he's right and I'm wrong.
Even if it's actually something that is completely unimportant and doesn't matter to me, I still feel in principle that he shouldn't be throwing out my things from my study without checking or at the very least telling me. Am I being unreasonable?
When I pick him up on something specific, the response is always about the actual thing in question "what were you going to do with it anyway / it had a rip in it / you said yourself you have too many socks". Where for me, it's about the principle of it being up to me what to do with my own things. He says my clutter affects him as he lives here too, but he increasingly seems to be looking for it beyond surface level (while he is extremely private about his own things).
His 'need' to get rid of things also extends to perishable goods. So I might buy an expensive condiment (where he won't spend a penny more than he has to on anything), or I'll get a bottle of Baileys as a present from someone, he'll use them up as fast as he can, I'm talking days, not really 'enjoying' them as far as I can see, but just to get them out of the house. And inside I feel "hey they are my nice things", but am I just being selfish?
The other side is that I probably do have too much stuff and too much emotional attachment to 'things'. And gifts I receive like the Baileys could be in the cupboard for weeks/months otherwise. He says they're there to be used. Should I just give in?
At the moment I'm not giving in, at least not in my head, it's a huge source of frustration for me. But any effort to put a boundary in place on this, as with anything else really, is met with a bullheaded wall of stubborness ("I'm not agreeing to that"). I basically have to let it go time and again. But it's making me very anxious, what will be gone next?

If this is true, your relationship is incredibly unhealthy, he is abusive, and you need to find a way to leave.

If you have to back down from him because of a definite colossal reaction then this relationship will not work. Sorry OP but if he has no compromise in him then you accept you live by his rules in his way for the next 20 years - or you decide if you want to split.

Your children are absorbing all of this. It isn't good.

I grew up with a with hoarder. It was awful. The food hoarding was particularly disgusting - my dad was always insisting we were throwing away perfectly good food that he’d only just got - but he’d got it 12 years ago. He had several fridges and freezers full of antique seafood he insisted he was going to use one day, and we lived in fear that he would. We got food poisoning a lot. It was grim and scary and awful.

If you’re getting worked up about your DH throwing away your ripped socks and receipts I reckon things are pretty bad.

ETA my dad was always telling people we were uptight, controlling, wasteful neat-freaks who got rid of his precious things (e.g. mouldering lobster claws dating back to 1972, one of his seven enormous fish tanks full of seashells and bottle caps that rendered the dining table unusable). He filled my parents’ bedroom full of suitcases he never unpacked, stacks and stacks of books and newspapers dating back decades, random shit he compulsively accumulated at junk shops.

The whole thing about hoarding is the hoarder has no tense of how extreme it is, and everyone else has less and less and less space to live in.

I'd be going absolutely ape shit at him and make it clear in no uncertain terms that if he throws away a single thing of yours again (even if it's just a receipt) you will make sure that some of his most prized possessions will be going the same way until he learns to stop touching your stuff.

I think there might be a compromise to be had here. Get a large box, put it somewhere that isn't bothering anyone, and anything of yours that he feels is impinging on his need to be minimalist, he can throw it in the box. Periodically, you will look through the box and you will maybe throw it yourself, or sort it properly. There's a bit of give and take here. Ultimately, he should not be throwing out your things without permission, similarly you should not be filling the house with "things" (and I have lived with a hoarder so know the difficulty of them keeping things that "might be useful in future" only never to be able to find them as the house is full of things that are currently not useful - but of course they might be in future). If he cannot cope with "the box" then you have to ask whether the behaviour is controlling. Hope this helps x

Thanks. It's hard to know, am I exaggerating the issue? Especially the hypotheticals about 'what he would do'. Maybe I'm wrong and he'd do nothing. He's not very predictable. And maybe I'm more at fault than I can see or say.
Either way, I do feel that what you (and others, thanks) are saying is probably right. What I can do about it now is another question, any drastic change feels impossible at the moment.

Just read your updates. It's abuse. You need to get out.

It's not you, it's him.

Can you see yourself growing old and comfortable with your husband?

If your daughter was describing this situation with her husband, in your circumstances, what would you advise her to do?

I don't know if he would stick to it, but being optimistic he might, so it is worth a try, thanks for this practical tip.

Appreciate all the moral support, thanks everyone <3

I agree with this, but would also put a lock on the study door and not give him the key.

He sounds like a controlling prick. LTB

So this is one of the ways he can get at you, but make it seem like he’s being helpful. He’s a twat.

DH has never touched my stuff and I don’t touch his.

You’re not happy in this relationship, are you?

This is no way to live. Why do you cling to this horrible marriage?

This sounds abusive, and the fact that he won't talk about it is a big red flag. That's the bigger problem.
A torn sock? Yes. throw out .
Gift of a bottle of Bailey's? That keeps for ages. He has no right at all to tear through it to get it out of the house. Sounds vindictive and controlling.

I was sort of a hoarder too but once I made my mind up to get rid of my things, I did, but that’s what I wanted to do and no one should make you get rid of your private property.

You are with an abuser. I can barely believe what you’ve just written. Get your ducks in a row, you need to leave this abusive twat.

What are his good points?

What is he like with DC’s stuff?

Tell him his stupid rules are for him and you live by your own rules. Then make plans to leave.

Option 1 - keep all your stuff in your study and keep it locked
Option 2 - LTB

My mum hoarded food too...bloody awful

I wouldn't feel safe living like this in your shoes. I would have constant anxiety.

In his shoes, if you are a hoarder, i would be very miserable living with your 'stuff'. I would literally have a mental health crisis.

You both are no longer compatible.
It's only going to get worse. Age usually exaggerates our foibles.

I don't understand why people are just assuming that he must be right and that OP is obviously a massive hoarder who needs urgent help.

It's not just a binary of either rank minimalist or buried under junk everywhere with absolutely no possible in-between. MN does seem to have 'a thing' about 'hoarding' on a par with the whole competitive undereating thing.

I always remember the thread where the OP found a shoebox containing cards that were given to her parents congratulating them on her birth, and for her christening. Her immediate response was that they were obviously rubbish, they weren't even given to her (only for her) and to even consider keeping them would be a clear sign of a problem hoarder. A surprising amount of subsequent posters agreed with her too.

You'd have a mental health crisis if your partner kept the entire house clear but had a lot of stuff in their private study?

Why are you putting up with this?

You know he'll still be picking at you if you literally just owned 2 pairs of knickers and a mug, right?

He is a controlling twat and the sooner you get into couple therapy, or split, the better.