DH throwing out my things

[fa556]

DH is a minimalist to the extreme, he has very little in terms of 'things'. Naturally I'm the opposite, a hoarder. Over the years I've conceded ground and downsized a LOT to pacify him, although it's probably fair to say that I still have too much stuff and it's also a bit messy and cluttered. Having kids has obviously brought more stuff to the house generally, but my own "stuff" is contained, with most of the house being tidy and (from my perspective at least) quite minimalist as he likes it. The "stuff" is in our bedroom (my side) to some extent, but mostly in my study which only I use.
In response to my compromises, instead of compromising too he seems to be going the other way. I'm increasingly finding my stuff in the bin, or things have just disappeared. I'm not talking about my most prized possessions, but they are things that I have bought, with my own money, for myself, that are on my side of the bedroom or in my study. I've always known not to leave things lying around in the kitchen or lounge or whatever for this reason, but it's like he's encroaching more and more on what I'd consider limited private spaces. To be fair, a lot of them are not big stuff. But even if it's just a receipt, it might be for some things I had meant to return or where I was going to claim something back as an expense. But to him, he's right and I'm wrong.
Even if it's actually something that is completely unimportant and doesn't matter to me, I still feel in principle that he shouldn't be throwing out my things from my study without checking or at the very least telling me. Am I being unreasonable?
When I pick him up on something specific, the response is always about the actual thing in question "what were you going to do with it anyway / it had a rip in it / you said yourself you have too many socks". Where for me, it's about the principle of it being up to me what to do with my own things. He says my clutter affects him as he lives here too, but he increasingly seems to be looking for it beyond surface level (while he is extremely private about his own things).
His 'need' to get rid of things also extends to perishable goods. So I might buy an expensive condiment (where he won't spend a penny more than he has to on anything), or I'll get a bottle of Baileys as a present from someone, he'll use them up as fast as he can, I'm talking days, not really 'enjoying' them as far as I can see, but just to get them out of the house. And inside I feel "hey they are my nice things", but am I just being selfish?
The other side is that I probably do have too much stuff and too much emotional attachment to 'things'. And gifts I receive like the Baileys could be in the cupboard for weeks/months otherwise. He says they're there to be used. Should I just give in?
At the moment I'm not giving in, at least not in my head, it's a huge source of frustration for me. But any effort to put a boundary in place on this, as with anything else really, is met with a bullheaded wall of stubborness ("I'm not agreeing to that"). I basically have to let it go time and again. But it's making me very anxious, what will be gone next?

The worse part is, one of the boxes has a picture on the front of the item (the paddling pool), so it’s obvious what it’s for. 🤦🏼‍♀️

So, this is abuse. He is abusive.

Tell him you need a private space in the house where you know for a fact he won’t go looking or throwing away anything. Nothing.

The concept of possession is a fairly primitive one, we all want the security of knowing we have some things for ourselves that won’t be taken away.

Tell him it is non negotiable.

If he disagrees tell him one of you is moving out.

I’ve not said anything to him because he’ll just get defensive and do the whole “no good deed goes unpunished” thing, then refuse to help me with anything for ages after, so it’s a case of choosing my battles.

He does ask for a key, but I’ve not given him one.
I’m now chuckling remembering the time he came to my house and asked if he could throw this bag away….it was a gift bag with a gift inside it that I was about to give to somebody. 😂

Is df dad or fiancé? I hope dad because if it’s fiancé you’re making a big mistake

@fa556 Thanks for coming back to clarify, I did worry the number of people leaping to conclusions and constructing things in their own minds would put you off.

This really is an abusive relationship - that you're scared of him, even if you don't know exactly what of, that you're curbing your natural behaviour dramatically in order to avoid upsetting him...these are really bad news and not just for you, for your kids too.

Please please seek some advice as to how to get out, this really isn't going to get better particularly as kids get older.

I’d completely lose my rag. When he was out, I would bag EVERYTHING of his into black bin bags - clothes, toiletries, shoes, toothbrush- EVERYTHING. Then I’d leave them in a friend’s shed or garage.
When he asks where all his stuff is I’d tell him (think Steve Martin in Trains, Planes and Automobiles) to leave my f*ing stuff alone - don’t touch my f*ing pencils, my f*ing books, my f*ing whatever- I’d make the list long.
I’d add that he’s the weird one, not me and to stop trying to control me.
I am extremely angry on your behalf, OP!
Don't put up with this crap.

Just to be clear there's no physical abuse or threats of.

OP this doesn't make it any better and if you ever escape and talk to others who've been through it, you'll realise the mental scars can be worse than the physical ones. Besides, it's not true there's no threat of violence. You're so obviously scared of him. This is maybe your subconscious recognising that if you ever do insist on standing up to him he is very likely to become physically violent. The only reason he isn't yet, is because so far his bullying and intimidation to effect coercive control are working effectively for him. If you ever stop doing what he wants, you can expect violence of some kind, it's the next stage. Reading everything you've given up physically, in your last post, was heartbreaking. Not to mention the confidence in your own decisions, feeling of safety and peace of mind you've already lost too. Please don't let your bar be it's fine, he doesn't hit me. That's no way to live, it's only an anxious existence.

It's not your job to ensure he "can handle" everything that occurs in the house. It's not great to teach your DC that pussy-footing around the man of the house and his "sensitivities" is the correct course of action in a relationship. Which is what you're teaching them by default.

You shouldn't be afraid to put a lock on the study door. You should be able to let him "not handle it" and be suspicious, let him show you who he really is. Hint: it's not a loving husband. That you're too scared to do it, is because you already know who he is, deep down inside where you don't want to look. 💐

If your study does look anything like that, that is really really messy. Can you even use it?
He still sounds like a controlling twat.

Do you think he doesn't know? That this all isn't deliberate? He's coming into your space to undermine you, under the very thin guise of "helping" you. It's not a mistake, he's not as thick as he's pretending to be. If he was, he'd be mortified to have gotten rid of something important and he'd sincerely apologize, not be defensive and withdraw genuine help to punish you. Although I understand sometimes you have to laugh or you'll cry, his behaviour is not actually funny to someone looking on from the outside.

But you have said your side of the bedroom is untidy! It’s his room too, clearly your a horder and his at the opposite end to the extreme Get a folder and stick receipts etc in it and keep in your study. I think it would drive me mad too although I’m not insanely tidy.

Your update clarifies so many things, @fa556 .

If your house is mostly tidier than #1 on the clutter scale, you are clearly doing extremely well - except that this tidiness seems entirely driven by your husband’s ongoing complaints and your fear of him.

Your study is clearly off the scale messy, but this is entirely understandable, given his behaviour. It is currently your only safe place for your stuff.

The fact that he didn’t let you take a small piece of treasured furniture when your relative died shows that he has no regard for your emotional wellbeing.

I still think you would benefit from counselling in order to address your anxiety, which is clearly the result of his controlling behaviour, and to help you formulate a way forward. You cannot continue as you have been - it is affecting your quality of life and your mental health, and is no doubt detrimental to your children.

You may want to look into doing the Freedom Programme. And read Lucy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That - there is a free PDF online.

To be clear: I don’t think there is any realistic chance that he will change. In fact, it seems highly likely that he’ll only get worse, more controlling and ultimately abusive.

Dad, don’t worry! 😂

Definitely not deliberate, he’s oblivious to a lot of things, like he’s in a world of his own, but also won’t take responsibility for anything, so it’s a lethal combination, and we all think it’s the reason he can’t maintain romantic relationships. He’s the most emotionally immature person I’ve ever come accross.

OP. Do you have any friends or relatives who would look after any of you really treasured things, just in case. I can see him throwing stuff out that's important to you just out of spite.

You have compromised a lot for a man that you aren't compatible with.

Ban him from your study area, that is your private space, he needs to compromise too, buy a fancy partition piece for your side of the bedroom.

He needs to seek professional help. I personally couldn't live with either of you. I'm in the middle, we declutter every 6 months.

Wow. This is what I was getting at earlier: just as hoarding and refusing to ever throw anything away is a clear sign of a serious mental health issue; I don't see how an obsession with not keeping anything at all and panicking that every new thing you catch sight of must be thrown away instantly can be understood as any less serious a mental health issue.

I definitely think this is far more than you both being incompatible when it comes to neatness. Yes, if your study does look like that then it’s very messy. But in a normal couple where there is no abuse, surely your DH would mention to you that it bothers him and ask if you can compromise on it? Offer to help you sort it and clean it for example. I must admit, I’m not particularly overly neat and will leave pieces of paper and whatnot on tables for days and then have a clear up every few days but I don’t think I could live in a house with a room that messy.

Having said that, it seems like that room is only the way it is because you’ve been ‘pushed’ in to moving all of your stuff in there so it doesn’t get thrown away! The real issue here isn’t the differing standards of neatness but that fact that you’re scared of your husband and that he has a mentality of it’s his way or no way. There is no compromise here.

I used to live with someone who was much neater than me. At the start, he was very controlling over it (although never threw my stuff away) eventually, over time he naturally became more relaxed and I naturally became neater to a point where our standards were more or less the same and we rarely ever fell out over mess or housework.

The thing is, he’s not a minimalist at all. He just has an obsession with anything he regards rubbish, and sorting the bins out is almost like a special interest for him. There’s a way he gets me involved and you can tell it makes him so happy - I’m the one who has to keep track of the week the non recyclable waste goes out, and I have to remind him about it. 😂

But why would he think that a new present is rubbish? Is he Ebenezer Scrooge?!

Even if he thought that the gift bag was empty, with the gift now having been removed, surely most people re-use gift bags several times, don't they?

It's terribly wasteful to bin a gift bag that has only been used once, unless it has got damaged.

Read the OPs update ….

She isn’t a hoarder but he most definitely is emotionally abusive.

Thanks for the explanation OP.

Do you love him? To me this sounds abusive and intolerable and I would be making a plan to leave him.

Are your children allowed to keep their possessions or do they get the same treatment from him?

OP physical abuse is just one for of 7 types, saying there's no physical when there's, control, intimidation, fear, reaction, and not letting you be the person you are isn't taken away by one type not being present.

He's trying to delete you. He's trying to control his environment to remove any signs you exist and it's as harmful as if he hit you, because a bruise can heal in a couple of weeks but these deep emotional scars can last a lifetime time (as can the emotional side of physical im not downplaying).

My ex through away a lifetime of books of been collecting when pregnant and vulnerable when we moved house.
He said he'd chuck all unless I picked some to keep pretense of choice.
Once he left it took me 2 years after to put my remaining books out on an empty bookcase as he wanted "no clutter"
This was the same man who promised me a library one day when we were dating and first together. 2 years, longer to go to loft and see how much stuff of mine he'd gotten rid of without any knowledge and consent.

Slightly different situation but that fear of being free in your own home is universal and you deserve that.

Have you read OP's update? Do that, if you haven’t.

@fa556 Thank you for coming back. I wouldn’t have blamed you for quietly walking away from your own thread after some of the crazy accusations being hurled at you. So it’s exactly as I thought all along and your H is behaving irrationally and in a bullying fashion. It’s unacceptable on his part. And when you say 'I lived here first', does this mean it’s actually your house?!

‘Extreme minimalism' is just as impossible to live with as hoarding and is as worthy of condemnation in my view.

If I put a lock on the study he would become very suspicious of me that I'm doing something bad behind his back. I don't think he'd be able to handle it.

Tell him you have to do that because he can't keep his hands off your possessions which you have every right to want to keep. You would happily do without the lock if he could be trusted to respect your belongings. If he can't handle it, too bad.