Professional Ex vs SAHM

[TheFirstSeaMonster]

Ex wants 50/50 custody which is fine although with his working pattern it’s more likely to be 60/40. 2 children. I am a SAHM and I’ll be returning to work in the autumn.

Ex has been very calm (too calm!) since I ended our marriage. He wasn’t happy that I’ll be classed as the primary carer and I’ll be getting UC but I would end up in poverty without it and I am the primary carer. Ex husband earns £47000 per year - I’m getting UC plus carers allowance for one child. He keeps saying “as long as we don’t screw each other over” everything will be ok.

He thinks he won’t have to pay CM as we will be 50/50. He wants to keep our child’s mobility car and pay me a part of his mobility payment(not all) and I would get the carers (high rate) DLA.
He seems to think he won’t pay me anything? He feels like he’s been screwed over already as he won’t be on the UC claim anymore and isn’t classed as the primary carer.
Seeking advice please. I want us to remain friendly and civil but I also don’t want to be “screwed over” nor do I want to leave ex broke…

on the CM calculator I am entitled to something (£450 per month)

How does 50/50 custody work if one parent earns a decent wage and the other is a carer?

Sorry not AIBU but seeking advice thanks

It's more taking the child's mobility component of the DLA for picking up from OP's on a Friday just before bed before dropping off again Sunday afternoon whilst he uses it for the rest of the time for his benefit and OP has to fund all other transport from her income instead of DLA.

I do think that’s different, but I do agree that in this case the father keeping the car while the mother pays for taxis for the child is wrong. The car should go back

He's a cock. Red flags all over the fucking place. I disliked him immensely already.

He definitely is trying to screw her over.

He gets £47,000 a year, which OP says is the "higher" of the wages. He's asking for 50:50 on paper but is not able to do more than 2/3 "nights" a week (after 8.30pm). He wants half the DLA and the motability car and be listed as the primary carer so he receives the UC element.

So he would get £47,000 + £2,870.40 (half DLA) plus UC top up and motability car for 8.30pm - 9am care maximum 3x a week (37.5 hours, most of which they'll be asleep) plus, let's be generous and assume one of those days is a weekend (+ another 12 daytime hours = 49.5 hours a school week). Fuck knows what his plan is for holidays, illness, insets...

In ex's scenario OP would get a lower wage (£25,000? £35,000? £40,000?) + £2,870.40, no UC top up, no car and the mobility component DLA tied up in the car the ex is driving to work. She would care for at least the youngest child 3pm - 8.30pm on the ex's nights (severely impacting her ability to work). Assuming she also has a weekend day, and taking into account school, she'll be doing over 80 hours a week caring, for a lot less money.

If he really, truly wants 50:50 (which is extremely unlikely to be beneficial for the kids), he needs to do full days and nights, half of weekends, half of holidays. The motability car needs to be given up and the component claimed, then all the DLA split in half exactly. UC should then see who is entitled to what, if anything, in the separate households (salary + £4,873.70 DLA both components + any UC they are separately entitled to).

His wage - £47000
My wage (when I return to work) £12000

Currently a carer for my son - unpaid just carers allowance

What he is suggesting is outrageous. I'm sure all those years as a SAHM / unpaid carer has allowed him to progress in a full time career. Particularly as I'm aware just how difficult it will be to find childcare for your youngest.

£14,870.40 plus a bit of child benefit for an adult and two children is a poverty income. He wants his children to live in poverty for 50% of the time and has the absolute indecency of calling himself the primary caregiver?

That is actually horrendous.

You're not entitled to his money if you have 50/50. Can you get a better paying job or work more hours? No doubt you'll get UC top up.

What is she going to do with the severely disabled child while she works more hours? There is no regular childcare for these children. 'His' money is also his children's money.

Also no one is talking about the other child the ex doesn't see.

Don't be disengenuous you will get a considerable amount in UC
My son gets DLA at the highest rates I get carers allowance, my dh works
We also get all decent amount in UC

The car needs to stay wherever the DC is.
Are you supposed to be trapped in the house on your days.
If he has DC 50% of the time he'd be entitled to half the carer payment and zero maintenance.
You would not meet the criteria for FT care.

The Op is conveniently missing out the UC she would be entitled too I'm in a similar position, it's not an insignificant sum.

Id return the car to get the payment instead and he can probably fund a car for himself from the proportionate amount (40% or however much he has him) he will recieve of the payment; having access to a car does benefit your child but also then he can use it for what he wants when he isnt with him. I would suggest getting some advice so that you both get what you are entitled to.

You won’t get carers when you go back to work.

Just tell him he can have the kids full-time and arrange childcare for them, and you'll be the EOW parent and go back to work.

Absolutely not. I'd do everything via the solicitors and apply for a child arrangement order. I'd also return the mobility vehicle and get the mobility component of DLA.

You and your ability to work is impacted by doing all the childcare. He doesntbget to claim that he's doing 50:50 and pick up his kid at 8.30. While you've done the pick ups, drop offs, all the meals, homework and at that time probably the bath time as well. He only wants to limit his financial liability. It'd nothing to do with bring with his kids. Also how is 50:50 working when the kids gave school holidays/ sick days ?

Honestly, he's trying to fuck you over. If he wants 50:50 it needs to be 50:50. You do set days and on his days he's responsible for pick up, drop off, packed lunches, dinners, homework, laundry, sick days, school holidays, after school clubs ect. 50:50 isn't picking up the kids at 8.30 and putting them to bed.

Yet another example of people divorcing and the tax payer picking up the bill.

Would you prefer people to stay in unhappy marriages to minimise the tax payers burden?

It’s more likely to be him having DS 30% of the time due to his long shifts.

No, in a 50/50 arrangement, there is no CMS to be paid. Both parents are responsible for costs when the children are with them.

Of course any disability benefits should be split equally so the child benefits from it at both houses.

Unless there is 'true shared care' as in he does half of all appointments with medical and school etc then you can claim child maintenance from him, less than half
Of what it would be if he had no overnights.
However if he claims he does 5050 he could
Also apply to child benefit and have one of the children's benefits changed to him and counter claim child maintenance from you (you wouldn't pay him much if you're on such which could mean you'd lose that child's part of the UC .

Picking the DC up at 8:30 in the evenings to have them sleep in the bed at his house and then call having said DC 50% of the time because they slept there is not 50% of the care.

Week on/week off would be 50%. Working around his shift schedule and you further covering a significant portion of 'his' time, on top of your own, absolutely does not allow him to claim he's a 50/50 parent ... or the primary carer ... so don't agree to this.

I strongly suggest you get a lawyer and insist that all communication go through said lawyer. He's only concerned about his own well being, not yours.

If you've not been working to care for your DC, to enable your husband to work, then you may also be entitled to some of his pension. It's definitely worth getting some legal advice.

No one said the child was “severely disabled”.

I’d personally prefer for taxes not to fund people’s mistakes (marrying and having kids with the wrong man).

High rate care and high rate mobility DLA does.