Professional Ex vs SAHM

[TheFirstSeaMonster]

Ex wants 50/50 custody which is fine although with his working pattern it’s more likely to be 60/40. 2 children. I am a SAHM and I’ll be returning to work in the autumn.

Ex has been very calm (too calm!) since I ended our marriage. He wasn’t happy that I’ll be classed as the primary carer and I’ll be getting UC but I would end up in poverty without it and I am the primary carer. Ex husband earns £47000 per year - I’m getting UC plus carers allowance for one child. He keeps saying “as long as we don’t screw each other over” everything will be ok.

He thinks he won’t have to pay CM as we will be 50/50. He wants to keep our child’s mobility car and pay me a part of his mobility payment(not all) and I would get the carers (high rate) DLA.
He seems to think he won’t pay me anything? He feels like he’s been screwed over already as he won’t be on the UC claim anymore and isn’t classed as the primary carer.
Seeking advice please. I want us to remain friendly and civil but I also don’t want to be “screwed over” nor do I want to leave ex broke…

on the CM calculator I am entitled to something (£450 per month)

How does 50/50 custody work if one parent earns a decent wage and the other is a carer?

Sorry not AIBU but seeking advice thanks

To me it seems like he wants the 50/50 custody and primary carer of the disabled child so that he can keep the car as that's his method of transport to get to work.

I assume he doesn't have another car?

If he's not the primary carer, then as you don't drive, you would be far better off getting the mobility payment so you can pay for taxis/buses etc... and clearly this would impact him and not you.

If he wants to do 50/50, then he can't just collect them at 8.30pm unless that's ok with you. His 24 hours for that day would then need to be until 8.30pm the next day.

I think I'd be contemplating legal advice, but also putting forward your own proposal of what you feel is fair. e.g. he keeps the mobility car but pays you £300 a month.

You need to stand your ground, claim CMS and tell him to go through court for 50/50 as it's very clear he isn't going to be stepping up and caring for your disabled DC. I'd imagine if your recieve carers allowance and DLA then your DC isn’t going to manage regular breakfast club, after school club and holiday club. So ask him in court to evidence how he is going to provide care on his days. Get proof of how much you expect care to cost, as hiring a carer for a disabled DC often costs in excess of £100 p/h and clearly he doesn't earn enough to afford that.

OP have you been living under a rock? Seriously. How many threads are there where the dickhead father wants the kids ten minutes before bedtime, then returns them in the morning because CMS only care about where the child spends the night. Are you suggesting you've never seen any of these?

He's got to turn into a prize prick unless you let him screw you over. So ask yourself . Are you going to be financially abused so he can live pretty at your expense, or are you going to do 99% of the parenting from now on because he only wants the kids (at night) to stop a CMS claim, not because he wants to see them, and when you don't let him do that, it's of no use to him to see them at all. Wake up.

Just had another conversation and after looking at ex H rota the custody arrangement is likely to be 60/40 or 2-3 nights per week at his.

So it’s now a case of trying to figure out what happens with the mobility car and carers element of UC

So realistically after much talking it is likely he will have our youngest for 2 or 3 nights per week and our teenager will go between houses 50/50.

He’s talking about applying for primary carer for our teenager and claiming the UC on top of his wages.

Please tell me you're not agreeing to an 830 pick up? You'll end up unable to work but not receiving CM, while he is unaffected.

You need a solicitor and to go through the CSA. Stop talking to h, you can see how unreasonable he is.

That would only apply if OP’s husband earned in excess of £156,000 gross.

No, that’s way too late, especially for our youngest. He’s now talking about his mother offering to sit with our oldest in Ex house until ex comes home at 8.30 which is obviously good to know it’s an option but if I’m sitting in my house down the road why would I not be with my child? Plus that seems like a sneaky way of doing many more overnights without the childcare.

Because it would be his time with them, and as their father it would be up to him to organize childcare, even if you would be willing to have them.

A father requesting 50/50 is likely to get it, so be prepared for that.

And the truth comes out ... This is why he wants the car. He was planning to go for primary carer all along, even though that is clearly you, and will screw you over at every turn.

Get a lawyer. Spend the money. Get a lawyer. Don't give up your primary carer status and either learn to drive or sell the car.

File for CMS and get every penny your child, HIS CHILD, is entitled to to have a decent life on. He shouldn't have had children if he didn't want to pay for them. Arsehole!

He is 100% looking to fuck you over.

What do you want childcare to look like? If it’s 50/50 then he organises childcare for both kids on his days, and he covers their costs eg clothing, clubs etc. In terms of benefits my DH and I have 50/50 for my disabled DD and we split her DLA half each because we both care for her when she’s with us and both have additional costs associated with her care. So if work out the balance of the motability element and the care element and see if they balance out. If they do, he could keep the car and you keep the money, if they don’t you could cancel the car and split the money so you both have support for the additional costs of your child.

If he’s on £47k he’s unlikely to be entitled to benefits unless there’s childcare costs but that doesn’t apply with a teenager.

What would you teen want ? Legally a judge would allow an over 11 choose how much time they spent at each parent’s house so if you teen isn’t likely to be happy with 50/50 then it’s a matter of time before you’d be renegotiating the money angle.

Is your ex’s mother available for whole days during school holidays and when they are ill? What’s the kids’ relationship with his mother like ? Is she likely to help host friends to come round on school holidays, take them to parties on dad’s weekend etc? Are you getting at least every other weekend and half school holidays to see your kids properly and enable them to see your side of the family ?

The car “belongs” to your dc and is for their benefit. How long is the contract left? I’d switch to taking the money! Speak to the dla helpline because i suspect him having the car when the child isn’t with him is against the rules.

please get legal advice from a solicitor experienced in additional needs, they must be fairly high to get the car so you need to be clear on rights etc

As PP have suggested a solicitor is the way to go, as the situation seems too complex with too many variables to easily calculate.

I think it's a bit harsh to say anyone is screwing anyone over or manipulating as such. People tend to get tunnel vision and only think of things from their own perspective.

Ex earns 47K a year but with a child from a previous relationship to support it's closer to say 40K. That's not a huge salary to support 2 DC, rent etc.

So I wouldn't say ex is trying to screw OP over but also he's not likely looking at things from OP's POV. That might be difficult for him since OP was the one who chose to end the relationship.

DC interests are what matters so a solicitor is the way to go. I hope it all works out for the best OP as it's no doubt been a very testing time for everyone.

You can also ask for the right of first refusal - that you have the option to have the DC with you prior to him outsourcing it to friends/family/formal childcare.

If the teen is 50:50 he still has to pay CMS for the youngest. Don’t agree to transfer the CB for either child over to him.

Do you know what your teen would prefer? Do they want to live 50:50 week on week off between houses?

If he keeps the car then make sure he agrees to do all pick ups and drop offs. If school isn’t walking distance away then you need him to do the school run- drop offs and/or pick ups and if he can’t make the times then to use before and after school
club at his expense.

47k is not high earner. Monthly take home income likely to not be too dissimilar between op income ( from aug) plus uc plus cb plus dla

if op ex is having teen 50:50 there’ll be a nill assessment, if the younger is 2-3 nights per week it will be based on that, if there are other children not with op that will reduce any monies to the op

Nope. The child should have access 100% of the time.

Stop having these conversations with him @TheFirstSeaMonster and speak with a good solicitor first.

He's doing a number on you.

If you’re going back to work you will lose carers.

The car should be with the child so with you when you have him and with dad when dad has him.

CM wise. You need to ensure it’s 50/50 and no you’re not likely to get maintenance.

You’ll never get any traction with that on here. Even at 50 50 many posters still feel the man needs to pay something and as for a man taking half of a child’s DLA… unthinkable

The thing that really stands out is that although, yes, the car is able to be used to get to work, if earning an income benefits the disabled child, the mobility is awarded to help the child and that is the priority, and their needs for transport should be paramount.

So if when the car is needed to transport the disabled child, and the OP is having to pay out of other money for taxis and transport, then that is not what the car was intended for. It was assumed that the car would be used to transport the child in this circumstance - so Im guessing that the dad should be either taking time off to do that, or OP should be driving so that the car can be used by her on those days, and her ex would use public transport to get to work. If ex WAS taking flexitime / parental leave / organising his week around his disabled child, then he would at least have some argument for being 50-50, but if he has just had the benefit of the mobility car and left OP to struggle on, at her cost (given all the mobility funding has gone on the car) then it kind of pisses on his claim.

And further, I would imagine that its completely a no go for him to keep and use the car when they separate. If OP doesnt drive, then the car should be handed back, and the money for transport split according to when its needed. Im assuming that dad is going to take days off for appointments going forward if they land on his days?