Professional Ex vs SAHM

[TheFirstSeaMonster]

Ex wants 50/50 custody which is fine although with his working pattern it’s more likely to be 60/40. 2 children. I am a SAHM and I’ll be returning to work in the autumn.

Ex has been very calm (too calm!) since I ended our marriage. He wasn’t happy that I’ll be classed as the primary carer and I’ll be getting UC but I would end up in poverty without it and I am the primary carer. Ex husband earns £47000 per year - I’m getting UC plus carers allowance for one child. He keeps saying “as long as we don’t screw each other over” everything will be ok.

He thinks he won’t have to pay CM as we will be 50/50. He wants to keep our child’s mobility car and pay me a part of his mobility payment(not all) and I would get the carers (high rate) DLA.
He seems to think he won’t pay me anything? He feels like he’s been screwed over already as he won’t be on the UC claim anymore and isn’t classed as the primary carer.
Seeking advice please. I want us to remain friendly and civil but I also don’t want to be “screwed over” nor do I want to leave ex broke…

on the CM calculator I am entitled to something (£450 per month)

How does 50/50 custody work if one parent earns a decent wage and the other is a carer?

Sorry not AIBU but seeking advice thanks

Your ex is trying to financially screw you over. You NEED a really good solicitor to sort out fair financials. You've been a SAHM and have not been able to earn income in that time. Please do not agree anything with him until you've had good legal advice.

ETA: "He keeps saying “as long as we don’t screw each other over” everything will be ok." That's a classic line said by men who plan to screw over their soon to be ex wives.

Should be paying around £400 a month at 3 /7 nights

The mobility car goes back so you have the funds to use public transport/taxi etc.

If you go 50/50 on CB ensure you keep it for the child receiving DLA as you are their primary cater.

If it’s 60:40 for one of the DC then you can claim for CMS. Make sure he doesn’t do equal nights with you still doing the bulk of the caring.

Surely he needs to have both DC on a schedule that allows you to work part time? Perhaps you could try and get an evening and/or weekend day position. If he won’t commit to having the DC to enable this then he isn’t committing to 50:50 is he.

You need to talk to a solicitor asap, I reckon he’s playing nice to blindside you (or maybe that’s me being cynical?)
The car should be at the house that the child resides with the primary carer. If you can’t drive, the car is no longer required. You can get extra money for transport instead, I believe. If you let him register the car at his new address, they may assume he’s the primary carer and all associated benefits will go to him.
Have you checked on the CMS calculator? Play around with different percentages as he may well still have to pay some maintenance.

I’d be cautious about agreeing to 50/50 on paper. I’d instead define what 50/50 looks like- school pick ups, drop offs, 3 -4 nights a week having done school pick up or support care pick up- basically on his days you won’t be collecting children. He doesn’t just get to receive them at 8pm and call it his day.

Agree 47k isn’t a higher earner.

what is your housing situation? Where is he living?

Chances are, after cares, dla, uc, CB etc there may not be much difference in income.

The car needs to go back and you receive the money/allowance for public transport instead. I’ve not heard of anyone being allowed to use the mobile car for work, it is not available for your dc ! Which is sort of the whole point.

Also, 50/50- he might try to do what my ex does and just have them from just before bedtime to first thing in the morning. CmS is based on nights. So you would be doing all of the daytime stuff and all the work, and he wouldn't need to pay. So whatever you do agree to, make sure times are added in to your agreement. As you say, with his work he won't be able to do actual 50/50 so this will help him realise that you won't be running around after him.

Thanks everyone. He wants us to work everything out between ourselves so no solicitors etc but I definitely need to make sure I’m getting everything I’m entitled to. I also want things to remain on good terms too.

We both rent.

OP doesn’t drive. So the child never has use of the car with her anyway. So it does seem silly if it can’t be used at all when the child is with OP, but it might be better to not have the car at all if OP is having to spend money on public transport and not getting the benefit of the car.

Do you know that is an excellent point - the car is registered to our marital home but I’ll be moving out into my own place. If I change address then the car will be registered to my new place but ex would probably still want to keep it?

Get legal advice, and don't tell him. It may give you the confidence when you are discussing things with him to stay strong and know you are being fair/in the right. It helped me! I was able to stand my ground more and not give in for ease.

I played around on the cms calculator and even with 50/50 it still works out that he would pay me something. £300 ish per month. Seems strange I know as it’s 50-50

Yeah I definitely need to speak to a solicitor. Things are easier in some ways due to us renting and not owning any assets but more complicated in other ways

That's convenient for him, no solicitors involved otherwise they'd be wise to his manipulation of you.

Get legal advice. Don't let him tell you what to do, you're leaving him for a reason.

I did the same as you with the CMS calculator and thought even 50/50 would mean he paid something. However another poster on here shared the website and screenshot of it saying that if it is 50/50 then they are required to pay nothing. Almost like the calculator really is working it out as 6/14 nights or something. But read it like you originally.

Don't forget about pensions @TheFirstSeaMonster Has he been paying into your private pension whilst you've been a SAHM? You should be entitled to some of his pension. This is why you need a solicitor.

He is trying to screw you over.

Starting point: what is best for the DC? Is it 50-50? Then proceed from there.

I suggest you speak to Rights of Women or Womens Aid for advice about getting a solicitor. They have a list of experienced solicitors who are used to dealing with complex situations. And yours is complex.

He cannot keep the car.
The car would need to be registered at the house where your son spends the majority of his time - so whoever is the primary carer. You cannot claim for a Motability car for your son that your ex will be using 100% of the time which would HAVE to be at his address for insurance purposes unless your son is registered as living there. It’s for your sons benefit,
If you then claim carers allowance for the child at your address somethimg will flag up as a child cannot have two primary residences.
Send the car back, split the DLA payment proportionally to who has the kids (ie 60/40) and you will need to,look for a job on the days your ex has the children - so three days per week potentially.

You need legal advice asap. It doesn't matter if he wants to do it privately; that is likely not in your best interest under the complicated situation. Hence his being 'nice' at the moment.

It may make more sense for you to give up the car entirely and get transport. Alternatively, learn to drive and keep the car at yours. I wouldn't risk having him be listed as the primary carer if the car is registered to his home address.

On 47k, renting and a sahm? I doubt there’s been spare cash to put into pension.

o/p do you/can you work? If he genuinely does 50:50 would that enable you to get back on the career ladder?

you may face an issue where if you force CMS he then doesn’t have enough net income to afford a place he can have the kids. Then you get into a trap where you are landed with the kids 99% of the time, can’t get your life and earning power back on track, and he’s stuck paying you with not enough to live on.

I would try for 50% as it may benefit you in the long term.

have you looked at entitled to? How much will you get between UC and other benefits?

definitely give the car back though if you don’t drive.

The CMS calculator doesn’t account for a true 50/50 split. If he does go for 50/50 then no maintenance will be owed.

Can you not learn to drive? I would make that a top priority, life is hard enough with a disability without him being reliant on taxis and limited further with ability to get to places.

In your shoes, I would ask for the money instead of the mobility car. Ex can get his own car.

Were you always a SAHM throughout marriage? I would be getting legal advice as the court will take that into consideration.

Is there any asset like property to be split?