Professional Ex vs SAHM

[TheFirstSeaMonster]

Ex wants 50/50 custody which is fine although with his working pattern it’s more likely to be 60/40. 2 children. I am a SAHM and I’ll be returning to work in the autumn.

Ex has been very calm (too calm!) since I ended our marriage. He wasn’t happy that I’ll be classed as the primary carer and I’ll be getting UC but I would end up in poverty without it and I am the primary carer. Ex husband earns £47000 per year - I’m getting UC plus carers allowance for one child. He keeps saying “as long as we don’t screw each other over” everything will be ok.

He thinks he won’t have to pay CM as we will be 50/50. He wants to keep our child’s mobility car and pay me a part of his mobility payment(not all) and I would get the carers (high rate) DLA.
He seems to think he won’t pay me anything? He feels like he’s been screwed over already as he won’t be on the UC claim anymore and isn’t classed as the primary carer.
Seeking advice please. I want us to remain friendly and civil but I also don’t want to be “screwed over” nor do I want to leave ex broke…

on the CM calculator I am entitled to something (£450 per month)

How does 50/50 custody work if one parent earns a decent wage and the other is a carer?

Sorry not AIBU but seeking advice thanks

Update - thanks for all your advice. I’ll definitely seek legal advice about this. Ex continues to say that we should sort everything out between ourselves. He is now saying he wants to go for primary carer and UC for our teenager. He is talking about picking up our children at 8.30pm from mine for the extra overnights. He is also stating over and over - “ you won’t go after me for child maintenance will you?” “Promise me you won’t go after me for CM” He already pays for a child he’s never met (now a teenager) he’s basically saying that he already pays for one child, he can’t afford to pay for any more etc.

It sounds like you're the one trying to screw someone over to be honest.

You don't drive so the car shouldn't be anywhere near you, for one.

Well I obviously wouldn’t keep the car and not drive it, it would go back and be exchanged for the mobility payment instead.

Will you share the DLA ?

The mobility component of your child's DLA is not to facilitate a non resident parent's journey to work.

I'd be inclined to end the lease and receive the money instead, so you can access taxis and the like when necessary.

It's not for funding an adequately paid male's lifestyle.

That’s what I’m posting about, I’m trying to figure out what is fair with regards to the DLA. Trying to work out what is fair for both of us.

It's 50/50
Nobody seems to be asking if the Op is sharing the DLA as it's also supposed to benefit the child 100% of the child

Do not agree to this!

8.30pm is too late, he is trying to game the system.

And please apply for CM.

He can say he’s primary carer till the cows come home, but he's not, he never has been.

If he has the child 50% of the time technically really he should also get access to the DLA as its the child's money

He needs to change his perspective from "go after me for CM" to "pay the maintenance required to support the children I fathered".

Are you ignoring the fact he has them 50% of the time?

Pick them up at 8.30pm 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 nope they are his responsibility from the end of school until he takes them back to school the next day as you will be working/studying/having a life!!

If there is a difference in income you will receive cms even when it's 50/50 care. It sounds like OP will be entitled to some.

That is absolutely not what the car is for
It totally is not to get your DH to work
That is taking advantage of the system

And yes, this! He can't just have them for the hours they sleep and then dump them with you again so that he doesn't have to do any actual caring. 24 hour period should count as a day.

You have a disabled child
50/50 care is not in your child's best interests
You need to end the lease on the car and gave the money to pay for taxis
You are the carer of your child ,your DC needs to be in one place with you the majority of the time ,not chopping and changing houses causing confusion

He is trying to con you.
50/50 means he needs to do whole days so if Monday is an inset day then he needs to take the time off or organise childcare for the younger child (who I assume is the one with SN) He can’t pick up the kids after work and drop off in the morning. That’s technically how CMS works (overnights) but isn’t in the spirit of things. He can’t have every weekend to make up his time either. Start with every other weekend (so you can both chill with the kids on their days off school) and remind him that there’s 13 weeks of school holidays and he’s responsible for whole days not just nights. He does school run and pick ups, takes to activities and clubs, takes the day off when they are sick…

If he does 50/50 then technically you’re supposed to claim child benefit for one child each. Make sure he does a true 50%

I think you are on shakey ground to be honest and the best way to move forward is for both of you to accept that you’re not functioning as a family unit now, you’re going to be two households and just try and figure out what works best for everyone.

£47k isn’t a high earner, 50/50 you’re getting £0, the calculator is notoriously inaccurate for 50/50.

The car- technically yes he could keep it and use it for work, if he can’t go to work he can’t pay for anything for your kids, but how would that impact you/DC? I’d work out how often currently the car is used/needed for DC, appointments, food shops, prescriptions, school etc, work out what impact that’s going to have and then you can see whether you’d be better off letting the car stay or giving it back and using the money for taxi’s instead.

If you’re claiming the DLA, and you want to be petty about transferring money for the car, you should also be transferring him money from that because that money is for the child 100% of the time- you do not have the child 100% of the time.

No, because although he's said he wants them 50% of the time, the reality is he can't have the younger disabled child that much. He seems to want to have his cake (no CM and extra UC) and eat it (not actually provide 50:50).

I believe upthread he was suggesting really silly arrangements not in best interests of children like picking them up at 8.30pm so he could say he'd had them for the evening / night.

I am concerned that he's not going to step up for the disabled child and is wishfully thinking this won't affect his work at all.

He's also just not the 'primary carer' in any way.

What will your salary be OP?

OP this is why you need a solicitor. You will need to get a CAO in place so he can’t mess you about with nonsense like picking kids up at 8.30pm.

If he will be using the car when the child is not in his care or he’s not doing activities for the disabled child - ie picking up child’s shopping as opposed to going to work and using it for his own personal reasons. He will be committing benefit fraud. It would be different if that was the households car and the parent had the child 100% of the time, but that is not the case so

If you do agree to 50/50 then make sure he pays you money for feeding dc and any other costs on “his nights” like dc’s bus fare from school to your home. Can teen travel from school to his house on their own? He can’t have 50/50 without changing his working hours or buying in help. Most men decide that paying CM is better because it’s less money and less hassle (no booking childcare on school holidays, taking day off if child is ill etc)

If ex had a week off he would help to transport our son to respite or any hospital appointments etc.

He might do that now but I wouldn’t be so confident that he’d take time off to help your child. Divorced men often prioritise their own needs like seeing their new woman over their kids as they see it as the mum’s problem.