Professional Ex vs SAHM

[TheFirstSeaMonster]

Ex wants 50/50 custody which is fine although with his working pattern it’s more likely to be 60/40. 2 children. I am a SAHM and I’ll be returning to work in the autumn.

Ex has been very calm (too calm!) since I ended our marriage. He wasn’t happy that I’ll be classed as the primary carer and I’ll be getting UC but I would end up in poverty without it and I am the primary carer. Ex husband earns £47000 per year - I’m getting UC plus carers allowance for one child. He keeps saying “as long as we don’t screw each other over” everything will be ok.

He thinks he won’t have to pay CM as we will be 50/50. He wants to keep our child’s mobility car and pay me a part of his mobility payment(not all) and I would get the carers (high rate) DLA.
He seems to think he won’t pay me anything? He feels like he’s been screwed over already as he won’t be on the UC claim anymore and isn’t classed as the primary carer.
Seeking advice please. I want us to remain friendly and civil but I also don’t want to be “screwed over” nor do I want to leave ex broke…

on the CM calculator I am entitled to something (£450 per month)

How does 50/50 custody work if one parent earns a decent wage and the other is a carer?

Sorry not AIBU but seeking advice thanks

He's not allowed to use the car to get to work. The mobility car is for the child's use only, for you to be able to drive the child. If the child is not in the car, or will be soon ime driving somewhere to pick the kid up you shouldn't be using it. It's not your exes car, it's not even your car. It's only for the child. If this is found out, you'd both get in big trouble.

If its not practical for the car to be kept at wherever the child is 100% of the time, because you don't drive maybe, then you need to give back the car and get the money.

£47k is not a high earner

This isn't strictly true. My mother has a mobility car, and it is perfectly ok for my dad to drive it without her in it, or even being picked up in it. So no, the OP is not going to get in 'big trouble' for the current set up.

But he would be well and truly stretching this to assume it was ok to take it to a different household from the child. That would not be allowed. Even if he tries to claim the child then has the use of it 50% of the time...that would only work if the OP then took it for the other 50%.

Only logical thing to do is to hand the car back and regain the mobility element of the DLA as a payment, this can then be used to pay for public transport etc, the ex can sort his own car out.

You need legal advice. This man’s main interest is himself, not his child and definitely not you.

I’d do some careful checks about this before agreeing to anything, I would have though the vehicle needs to available and used for the benefit of the disabled person. If it’s not at their primary residence and mostly (I.e.e more that 50%) used for commuting I’d be concerned it was being misused and what that would mean for the claimant.

From what I've read on here you won't get any maintenance if care is 50/50. That's why men want it. Not on. And it won't even be 50/50. You will end up doing more. Say no if you can.

I’d phone the Motability helpline for advice on the car. I have a Motability vehicle and yes, my husband can use it to go to work or to go shopping for family groceries but he shouldn’t use it to go for a haircut or to go fishing, for example, as I don’t directly benefit from that. Not sure how it is with a child who cannot drive and it’s the only vehicle in the family. Personally I think they’ll tell you to hand the car back and receive the mobility element payments instead. If you do end up with a 60/40 split then you deduct the 40% from any maintenance you receive. Your husband should get his own vehicle and be responsible for everything that Motability covers.

Hang on, he wanted 50% custody, his £47,000 income, the UC and at least half the disability related benefits? What's his basis for thinking he's the primary carer??

Re 50% custody, surely he can't claim it's 50% on the paperwork and then only do 40%? It's either 50% or it's not. I would say to him that as it's going to be 50:50 very soon, how about a 2 week trial of the custody arrangements (even if you're still living together). Make it clear you won't step in on his 'days', pick up the kids from school, attend any appointments etc for them, help put them to bed... If anything happens during his work hours he'll just have to take unpaid leave like the rest of us. Hopefully the reality will set it...

Get rid of the motability car and claim the high rate mobility instead. You'll need it as you will be the primary carer and will need to pay for taxis.

I also think he's going to try to blindside you.

Get that car handed back before the DWP get wind of what's going on & take it off you. You'll then have one hell of a job proving you need the travel element at all, because you managed just fine while the car was being utilised elsewhere. That's your child's future independence you're playing with.

He's not a higher earner. Does he call himself that? Full time minimum wage is nearly £30k these days

He can't do 50/50. If he does less, then you get CMS. Watch him do no childcare as soon as he has to pay you anything.

He needs to get his own car. The DLA is in your name, you're the carer and you don't drive. You need to give the mobility car back and receive the money equivalent.

He's trying to get a sweet deal for himself here, and calling anything that represents the actual situation "screwing each other over." There's no "each other" about it. He's screwing you over but gaslighting that's what you're doing if you don't allow him to financially use you.

Strap in. Just the flat rate what you're entitled to is a "piss take" to heroes like this. So be prepared to be the money grabbing bitch for having the audacity to stop him fleecing you and your children.

But the OP doesn't drive so not much point having the car

You may only rent but presumably you have pensions to consider?

You both need to hand the car back and take the money instead. He can get his own car.
work out a schedule for the next month and see if 50:50 can really work. If it does it will give you a lot of free time to work outside the home.
I agree 47k is not a high earner and you may bring in more on benefits if you claim the housing element plus DLA and carers.

OP can't drive.

If he has the DC 50% then of course there's a point to it. That's like saying that if he didnt drive and she did there would be no point to it.
It's there for emergencies if they can't get a taxi, it also allows the DC to go longer distance and have proper days out without being restrained to using a taxi when available or affordable.
The better option for DC would be for OP to learn to drive. Any child's life is improved by parents driving, but especially a child with a disability who can't get around as easily. Longer term it will completely change his life if OP can drive and is planning on continuing being his carer as long as possible.

Please see a solicitor

I don't think a 50 50 split is realistic

It sounds like your child needs a carer rather than a parent that can work full time, and that complicates things

If the cms says £300 a month then that's what it says

Your ex using the mobility car to get to work doesn't meet the criteria of being in the best interests of the disabled child. You could argue this if, for example, your ex was using the car to take your DC to school every day on his way to work but just hopping in the car and going to work definitely doesn't cut it.

Using it inappropriately can invalidate the insurance too. BTW, I'm a qualified CAB adviser and manager. I'd definitely advise the car goes back as you, the primary carer, can't drive.

This.

You MUST get legal advice

Assuming you get High rate DLA you will also get quite a significant UC payment I know this as i have a child on DLa HRC and HRM my dh works but will still get UC and it's not an insignificant amount ,you
Like for like if your dh earns
Your ex is on a reasonable wage but it's not huge I wonder what the overall disparity in the two monthly incomes are I'm betting it's not massive.

Yes he is we have a mobility car for my son my husband drives to and from work in it daily,mobility know this and even provided and psid ,taxis for him to get to and from work when the car was in the garage a few weeks ago ,

The no maintenance in case of 50/50 is a bit of a misnomer. Where there is a high discrepancy in earning it CAN still be required and it sounds like you would qualify.

You need legal advice especially regarding the motability element. If the child awarded is is with you 60% of the time and you are paying for taxis then the child is not benefiting for the car and therefore your ex no longer meets the requirements. You should return the car and the payments should be used to facilitate taxis and buses that benefit the child getting to appointments.

You can use it as the family car ,mobility expect you too.

Clearly you know nothing about how the scheme works, it's to benefit the disabled child so using it to go to work benefits the disabled child as it keeps them fed and a roof over there head ,mobility also expect you to use it as a family car ,the disabled child doesn't need to be in the car at all times.