Aibu to be upset about the decision my parent has made?

[Inheritancesucks]

Name change for this.
One of my dps died a couple of years ago. The other was left with 2 pensions and a house from the deceased parent. The remaining parent was concerned they couldn't afford to remain in the house which was in very poor repair. The remaining parent has therefore decided to let 1 of the (4) dc move in (with their partner and 2 young dc) and added them to the mortgage so they could get a loan out against the house in order to add a granny flat so they can stay there and the dc and their family live in the original house.
All of this was decided and signed off before the remaining parent told me about it.
Is it wrong that I am upset by this? Is it grabby to be upset that my remaining parent has signed the house over to 1 sibling and essentially provided for them and their family but left me, my kids, and the other siblings out completely?
I'm trying really hard to move on from this, but finding it next to impossible. Im trying to tell myself that the remaining parent just wanted stability, and not that it is a reflection on how they feel about me or my other siblings. Happy to be told I need to get myself together and remaining parent can do whatever they like and don't owe me anything (which i do know). Could you move on from it?
In the interests of openness, the dc who is moving into the house is the only 1 who lived less than a couple of hours away from them.

What scenarios am I making up?

I get it OP. I think it's the lack of inclusion perhaps making you feel less valued rather than the money.

What's your relationship like with your siblings generally? And then in particular, this one that's moved the family into DM's home? Perhaps the family dynamics there are also bringing out emotions.

It sounds like your sibling and their partner have taken on a mortgage for this house - and they could be caring for your mum for 20+ years so I wouldn't envy them just yet.

You also said your siblings partner was added to the mortgage. Perhaps your mum still owns half for example and plans to leave that in her will - possibly to all her children. Dont forget your sister and her partner should rightly own the chunk of property that they are paying a mortgage for. I wonder if your mum is paying rent or anything towards the mortgage.

Do you actually know that this arrangement will affect your future inheritance? It might be written in the will that after the parent’s death, the house is sold and proceeds split equally?

Your remaining parent is a prize idiot.

She’s given the family home to her DD’s boyfriend.

And disinherited you.

In secret. You don’t say.

Nice.

YANBU. The first thing I’d do is make it very clear there’s no support coming when BF scarpers with the house. And tell her how hurt and shocked you and your family are.

Same, absolutely, but I'd be upset if everything happened before I knew about it. When my mum was in hospital and my DB went to look after her and she decided very suddenly to downsize (obviously completely her decision /choice) he kept me in the loop. I wouldn't have put the kybosh on anything, she knows her own mind, but I was grateful that I knew what was going on. I'd have been upset if everything happened before I knew anything.

So, your sister or brother in law has been added to the mortgage, not your actual sibling? What happens if they split? Does that person have a claim on the house? Messy. And sorry to say, deceitful. You’ll hear all sorts of advice OP but I pride myself on a strong moral compass (!!) and this is just off. All nicely tied up before anyone else could object??? I’d be fuming. Functional families discuss this kind of thing first.

You have every right to be upset, we have recently had this in our family.

One parent died and the other one sold the house and used the whole amount to do a big extention (not granny flat, just bigger rooms, kitchen etc) on one daughters house and moved in.
The other daughter was understandably left feeling hurt and upset, they didn't seem to particularly favour one over the other until that point.

My own father was downsizing and sold his house to my sister because she kept saying how much she loved it and didn't want to be without it. He sold her it for only 50k, one year later she sold for a big profit which was a bit of a slap for me and probably him but its his decision. Just concentrate on your own family and don't expect anything from anyone x

It would have made much more sense surely for your parent to sell their house and buy something much smaller in good repair?

This is a very, very big move to have made without discussing it with you, if you are normally in regular contact. It's the sort of thing that one would naturally talk about, so the fact that they didn't, make would make me sense that it was underhand.

The person that says that your parent didn't need to tell you is just barking mad, because of course if we're going to make massive changes to living arrangements, it is normal to tell the people we're close to about it and discuss the in's and outs and options in the run up. It's part of how we make good decisions

I can completely understand your upset and concern about the lack of open conversation and discussion about this. I'd be worried that the parent has left themselves financially vulnerable, especially if they require carers or residential care in the future.

The only advantage, that I can see, and it's bitter-sweet, is that you have no responsibility if and when it all goes horribly wrong. It does look very messy - legally and financially.

Would you have liked to live with your parent and provide care?

I’m sorry some of these comments are so awful. I would feel the same. I’m also worried about the solicitor who signed off on all of this.

Your parents is probably feeling vulnerable as they age and doing what is best for them. I'd be thrilled of one of my siblings was doing this so I didn't have to worry about my elderly parent being on their own. Would you be wiling to look after them as they age? Fair enough if you're uneasy if you don't trust your sibling.

One isn't too bothered either way, 1 has been devastated and cut contact to bare minimum.
So the mortgage was paid off before the other parent died. I believe the partner was added to the deeds to allow them to take out a loan or to remortgage the property as the remaining parent cannot work due to ill health. The money was for the granny flat as well as to completely gut the house (which absolutely needed doing).

Im trying to tell myself that the remaining parent just wanted stability, and not that it is a reflection on how they feel about me or my other siblings.

YANBU. Your parent has effectively disinherited you.

Could you talk to them about this? Not about the money/property as such, but about what it suggests symbolically, in terns of thoughtfulness or regard for you. They may simply not have thought this through, in the wake of bereavement, grief, and an understandable desire for security & care.

You might be interested in this thread:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5343860-my-childrens-unequal-futures

Many people are criticising the OP of that thread for thinking about doing something very similar to what you're experiencing.

But your parent is being really unfair in a very basic way.

Yes.
The remaining parent says that won't happen. As i said they have a habit of burying their head in the sand and just taking the easy way out.

Living with, and caring for, an aged parent is likely to be tough - even if there is a granny annex involved.
If you are long distance, it sounds as if you're not really up for that.

Don't blame your parent. Your sibling is conniving and underhand.

who is taking care of the (presumably) elderly parent now and who is expected to do the lion share of lifting if the patent needs a lot of help? I assume it won't be you or the other 2 siblings who aren't local but this commitment will fall into the lap of the sibling who moved in? if so, I would say it's fair and square.

YANBU OP

You have been disinherited by your parent. That is incredibly hurtful for anyone.

If you try to explain to your parent and sibling how hurtful it is, almost certainly you will be accused of being money grabbing - despite the fact that it’s your sibling who has secretly arranged for themselves to get the money!

That money belonged to your deceased parent too, and I doubt they would have wanted some of their children to be disinherited.

It’s a really tough situation, my mum had something similar happen with her mum and it ruined their relationship and tainted all of her memories with her mum. Look after yourself and don’t feel guilty for feeling upset about the situation.

I don’t think it’s that great for your sibling. They’re paying a mortgage on half a house that’s in poor repair and have an elderly person on the premises that they will have to care for. And they might have to buy you and your siblings out if they want to stay after your parents’s death.

OP,

this is really quite likely to backfire on both your parent and the sibling that has taken on the house.

if your parent needs care in future, then if this had not happened they would understand normal circumstances have sold their house to pay for the care home.

if they need to go into a care home in future, and have no assets other than the house, the local authority (who are the people who pay if someone has no assets) can look back and see if someone has deliberately given away money or other assets that could have been used to pay. This is called “deprivation of assets”.

so most elderly people don’t give their homes away because otherwise they wind up in a situation where they need a care home, the state refuses to pay and they don’t legally own their home any more.

it’s also a problem with inheritance tax - again, the authorities are wise to this one and if a parent gifts their house to a child or other person but keeps living there then it’s treated for tax purposes as if the gift never happened.

https://www.ukpropertyaccountants.co.uk/gift-with-reservation-of-benefit/

so…. Your mum has given your sibling a poisoned chalice.

on her death the house will be treated as if she never gave it or part of it to your sibling/sibling’s partner and tax will be due.

I’m not a lawyer so I don’t know if it still counts as part of her estate and subject to her will or not.

either way I’d be running very quickly from this situation. I see what she is trying to do. It won’t work and it’s going to backfire messily.

Yes I would be pissed off. All feels a bit sneaky from the sibling. If it was all good, why was it hidden?

If your parent needs care, couldn’t this be seen as deprivation of assets? Not your problem I suppose.

Gosh, your parent has let themselves in for a very precarious financial situation. Very precarious. No wonder you're worried.

And then you wonder why they didn’t tell you about the plan! I think your parent knows that they would have been given an exhausting interrogation and weeks of roundabout argument discussion if it had been raised with you beforehand. I understand that you are miffed, but if it keeps your parent where they want to be , in a well maintained house fit for purpose, with close by support then I think those are the positives you should focus on.