Aibu to be upset about the decision my parent has made?

[Inheritancesucks]

Name change for this.
One of my dps died a couple of years ago. The other was left with 2 pensions and a house from the deceased parent. The remaining parent was concerned they couldn't afford to remain in the house which was in very poor repair. The remaining parent has therefore decided to let 1 of the (4) dc move in (with their partner and 2 young dc) and added them to the mortgage so they could get a loan out against the house in order to add a granny flat so they can stay there and the dc and their family live in the original house.
All of this was decided and signed off before the remaining parent told me about it.
Is it wrong that I am upset by this? Is it grabby to be upset that my remaining parent has signed the house over to 1 sibling and essentially provided for them and their family but left me, my kids, and the other siblings out completely?
I'm trying really hard to move on from this, but finding it next to impossible. Im trying to tell myself that the remaining parent just wanted stability, and not that it is a reflection on how they feel about me or my other siblings. Happy to be told I need to get myself together and remaining parent can do whatever they like and don't owe me anything (which i do know). Could you move on from it?
In the interests of openness, the dc who is moving into the house is the only 1 who lived less than a couple of hours away from them.

What a spiteful post.

Stop projecting @Supersimkin7

This situation is a nightmare waiting to happen, your mum has put herself in a very precarious situation. My best friend’s grandmother did a similar thing, except she sold her house after her husband died and gave all the money to one of her daughters to modify her house so she could live there, the plan was that she would care for her if needed. It was working well for a few years until she developed advanced dementia and her daughter wouldn’t care for her anymore.

The daughter is refusing to sell her house to pay for care home fees, she dumped her mum at her sister’s house with no warning and said it was her turn to care for her. No inheritance left as was all given to the sister to modify her house so gran could live there, council won’t fund the carehome as classed as deprivation of assets. Complete nightmare and has torn the family apart as they are trying to force the sister to sell the house and she’s refusing.

I think the fact they’ve done this without discussing their plans with you or your siblings is concerning. What happens if your mum needs to go into a care home in the future? What happens if your sister separates from her partner?

My father was in the same position as you when his first parent died. He did not speak to the remaining parent for nearly a year because as he said at the time "you've disinherited me"

It took that time away for the sibling to realize the unfairness of the situation and they made steps to have things straightened out will wise.

Tbh I think it’s grabby to offer to care for your parent in exchange for more or all the inheritance. If you offer to care for your mum/dad you should do it because you want to, not because you’re expecting a nice reward when they die.

In context:

Is it wrong that I am upset by this? Is it grabby to be upset that my remaining parent has signed the house over to 1 sibling and essentially provided for them and their family but left me, my kids, and the other siblings out completely?
I'm trying really hard to move on from this, but finding it next to impossible. Im trying to tell myself that the remaining parent just wanted stability, and not that it is a reflection on how they feel about me or my other siblings.

I wouldn't be able to swap places with them, I'm a single working parent with a disabled child.
I have explained my concerns about the situation.

I wish I had known the conversation was taking place and could have made sure the parent had thought the decision through beyond the here and now. However I can't change the decision they have made, so my question was aibu to be upset?

I was actually hoping more people would think i was being unreasonable, as it would make it easier to shrug it off as what I see as a poor decision based rather than a deliberate choice to exclude myself and my other siblings.

@OneQuirkyPanda 'What happens if your mum needs to go into a care home in the future? What happens if your sister separates from her partner?'

I don't know... I don't know anything. It's really hard because I care about my parent and their quality of life going forward. However it feels like they have chosen to make this decision behind my back, so I can only wash my hands of it as a pp said, and leave them to it; if it all goes tits up it's nothing to do with me. But how do you do that? How do you actually just shrug your shoulders and say 'you made your bed' to a parent in need if it comes to it??

OK well after reading this, you do sound grabby. You've said you couldn't look after them, so what exactly would you suggest to your parent to do? The only think I can think of is downsizing their home but that doesn't help with having someone around. You probably aren't aware of how vulnerable some elderly people feel being at home on their own, so I can see why your parent is going to take the chance. It really sounds like you are upset you might miss out on some inheritance which is pretty terrible consider your parent isn't even dead yet.

I agree with you, but I also think it's fair. I've seen it in so many families where one or more child takes care of the parent often for years and years, some doing care such as changing nappies and staying overnights yet when it comes to the inheritance the other sibling/s will happily take an equal share even though they did nothing. At least this way it's not fighting over a will after the fact, and let's face it it's always the ones who (fairly) 'miss out' who will be doing the contesting.

I find it concerning that this major decision was made without three of the four siblings being aware of it. It strongly suggests that the sibling involved knew that difficult questions would be asked, e.g., what will happen if Mum needs care, and they pushed everything through quickly so that no one would have a chance to intervene.

The parent sounds vulnerable, they struggle to make decisions and aren’t in good physical health. I’d be inclined to keep a sharp eye on the situation and ensure that they’re properly looked after. Visit regularly and make sure that they’re not being financially abused- just casual questions like are you managing ok with your utility bills, council tax, etc.? Are you getting out to do your shopping?

After this underhand move, I wouldn’t trust the sibling to do the right thing or pay their way. They may get themselves added to your parent’s accounts.

If it all goes tits up, which I assume it will because it doesn't even sound as though the renovations have actually built a suitable and comfortable living space for your elderly parent whose needs will only increase as they age, you will have to shrug your shoulders as you wouldn't be able to help.

You are a single parent with a disabled child and you live quite far away. It doesn't sound as though your sister will be capable of providing care once your parent can no longer look after themselves and your parent won't be able to sell their home to pay for a nursing/care home as it now also belongs to your sister's partner, not even your sister.

I doubt that your parent would be eligible for council funding for a care home as this financial arrangement could very likely be considered to be deliberate deprivation of assets to avoid care home fees.

I presume that your sister and her family will inherit the other half of the property once your parent dies? They have a very good deal and currently your sister and her family are profiting financially and practically as the parent provides some childcare.

Unfortunately people are people.

many people make unwise decisions, especially if they are anxious and particularly after a bereavement.

don’t underestimate the extent to which anxiety may be driving this. My mum was very very anxious about how she would cope after my dads death and made a couple of unwise decisions as a result when actually she could cope.

she’s not necessarily thinking about how fair or unfair it is, she’s thinking any portion of in a storm and then getting there.

with luck it won’t go tits up.

the family dynamics will be tricky but if she remains on the deeds she can’t be thrown out.
not everyone requires care at the level a care home requires - as my mum says some people are lucky enough to die quickly.

I completely understand how you feel - she’s left herself in a very very vulnerable position. But hopefully she is less anxious as a result and she does now have a family who she can realistically expect to meet her social needs and care for her.

No it sounds like the op would have asked logical questions. Effectively the parent has given some random bloke (the husband) inheritance ahead of a biological child. That’s a bit odd. It also has deprivation of assets written all over it.

If your parent has a habit of burning head in the sand, here is your reason why you haven't been told anything. It was to avoid a confrontation and a potential family fall out from all this.
Saying this, you absolutely deserved to be told what was the plan. My parents have done this, they sat all of us a few years back and said they have been thinking about their retirement and the family home, and they would like to leave our family home to my DB and SIL, for them then to provide care until the parents die. We then were all asked what are our thoughts on it and if anyone objected.
A lot of assumptions on my side, but I assume it is your sister and her partner (husband?) moving in with your parent. Her DP works and she either works part time or is a sahm so couldn't be added to the mortgage.
Is her DP a decent person? Is your sister a decent person? It all has a potential to become really messy if they were to split one day.
I wonder if your parent has been encouraged to keep this low key and don't spill the beans until the deal was sealed.
If I was you I would also be hurt. Not because I won't inherit anything, but because the parent didn't have a decency to say anything and also, that the parent may be vulnerable and may have unwillingly put themselves in risky predicament without realising implications of what has been done.

Ignore all the people saying you’re grabby and basically implying you should cease to care about your parent because you’ve moved more than 2 hours away and are a single parent with a disabled child. All that says more about them than you.

I can see why you’re upset. You love and care for your parent (I wish you’d say which it was, this is very unnatural language to use!), they have made a very bad decision, you know it but there’s nothing you can do about it. We don’t just switch off our feelings for someone when they make a stupid decision and we can clearly see what’s heading in their direction. We don’t switch off when someone we thought we were close to turns out to be doing things behind our backs. Of course it’s your parent’s house but perhaps if they’d spoken to you they wouldn’t have made such a bad decision.

What have your siblings (including the one who’s moving into the house) said about all this?

If I had been involved in the conversation from the start I would have suggested they downsized, and the money was kept for their future needs. If my sibling had ended up providing care and having to do more than anyone else I would absolutely have no issue with her being given more if not all of anything left at the end of the surviving parents life. It's not about what i get or don't at the end of anything, it's how knowing 1 sibling has been given everything the parent has ( and they only have the house) feels.
I absolutely understand that parent wanted to stay in their house. And i think they have taken what they saw as the easiest option. But I don't think it is the best thing for them in the longer term, however that doesn't mean I'm right - i don't have all (much) of the actual information.

I don't understand why everyone is going on about how the sibling will caring for their mum . Nobody has confirmed that this is even the plan, there is no plan!
OP's sibling and family have moved into the house, partners name has been put on the mortgage which they have taken a loan out on. Mum is now living in an annex bedsit, no separate bedroom but a sofa bed !!
If I was the OP I would be furious, this decision should have been discussed with parent and all 4 siblings present. As it stands now, at best no thought has gone into this at all and nobody is thinking about the future. At worst, something very underhand is going on and this is all for the benefit of sibling and more worryingly their partner.

OP, I'm sorry this is happening and understand how you would like a plan in place for mums care, I also understand how you feel sidelined and your inheritance is now going to your siblings partner 🤨 but keep in mind, if your mum needs residential care in the future, they will still be forced to sell the house to fund this. If your mum passes away at "home" without a will then you and your siblings are potentially still entitled to a share of the house. You would need to speak to a solicitor at the time.

For now there's nothing you can do about this but keep in touch with mum and try not to give it too much headspace as it's not something you can change or control. 💐

Your parent might still have owed money on the house, she might have wanted to stay exactly in her street.
Your parent must have been happy with this arrangement. They are the g.children who have spent the most time with her and the child with whom she feels most comfortable. Her choice, given that you others are far away.

Just because someone is geographically closest doesn’t mean they are emotionally the closest. Nor is 2 hours “far away”.

What if the house needs to be sold to pay for care? She won’t be able to do that and I can pretty much guarantee that once the sibling and her family have their feet under the table they won’t be shifting any time soon.

Thanks to everyone who has replied. I'm not sure whether I'm glad the poll is 72/28 in my favour or not!
Those who have given reasons for my surviving parent having made the decision they have, I really appreciate that it's helped me feel slightly less hurt and remind me that, for now at least, they have what they need. No one knows what the future holds, so I can only wait and see how future-proof this turns out to be, but i will also be trying to reduce my expectations of myself and my ability/need to help said parent out practically and financially in future as hopefully this arrangement will provide them with that for as long as they are with us.

Just because someone is geographically closest doesn’t mean they are emotionally the closest. Nor is 2 hours “far away”.

ain't that the truth - my siblings live a) in the same town and b) an hour by car (which they have) away and i live in another country from our parent.

And yet, because i use all my holiday throughout the year to do this, i have seen my parent more, much much more, than the other siblings over the last 5 years. I make hospital appointments and arrange transport, i book their clubs and associations, and i have sorted out their TV and landline/internet.

The others? one, no idea we haven't spoken for years, just naturally drifted. The other? was given mum's car and lots of furniture. I don't begrudge that because they needed a car and mum really needed to stop driving. But did they even take parent out for lunch as thanks? hahah. no.

I haven't rtft.
Imo yes, yabu, your mother shouldn't have to stay lonely in a run down house to ensure that she leaves money for others.

This way, she has company, somewhere new to live, close to her DD, granny flats ain't cheap to build. She'll need support as she will age.

I have two aunts that have sold the family home and downsized, the DC are disgusted that their inheritance is being spent, one aunt moved in with her DD giving her 50,000 she'll buy a cabin, she is only 70, the other siblings are livid.

Nothing to do with leaving money for others. She has now tied herself to this sibling and their family and left herself financially vulnerable. She had a house that she could have sold and downsized and put the spare money into savings or whatever so it was secure for her future needs.

That’s all gone now.

N

I don't believe this is anything to do with inheritance. It's not about pounds, shillings and pence.

In my opinion, the OP's reaction is based upon fear - fear for the mother's (?) well-being, fears for her future care needs, fears for the family relationships in the future.

This situation has financial disaster written all over it for reasons that other posters have already referred to in some depth.

It would be interesting to know if mother took any kind of legal advice and if not, exactly why didn't the daughter (?) urge it, given that the parent is surrendering almost all her assets - surely any reasonable adult would want to see fair play and clarity in operation, especially as the 'other owner' is a free agent who can walk off with the 'booty' at any moment.

My mother had a saying which over my lifetime has proved accurate 99% of the time - when you conceal something, you invite suspicion.

I'm sorry for your trouble, OP, and hope things can be resolved soon with the minimum of upset and difficulty.