Aibu to be upset about the decision my parent has made?

[Inheritancesucks]

Name change for this.
One of my dps died a couple of years ago. The other was left with 2 pensions and a house from the deceased parent. The remaining parent was concerned they couldn't afford to remain in the house which was in very poor repair. The remaining parent has therefore decided to let 1 of the (4) dc move in (with their partner and 2 young dc) and added them to the mortgage so they could get a loan out against the house in order to add a granny flat so they can stay there and the dc and their family live in the original house.
All of this was decided and signed off before the remaining parent told me about it.
Is it wrong that I am upset by this? Is it grabby to be upset that my remaining parent has signed the house over to 1 sibling and essentially provided for them and their family but left me, my kids, and the other siblings out completely?
I'm trying really hard to move on from this, but finding it next to impossible. Im trying to tell myself that the remaining parent just wanted stability, and not that it is a reflection on how they feel about me or my other siblings. Happy to be told I need to get myself together and remaining parent can do whatever they like and don't owe me anything (which i do know). Could you move on from it?
In the interests of openness, the dc who is moving into the house is the only 1 who lived less than a couple of hours away from them.

They won’t have to buy out the OP as there is no will so the property will pass in its entirety to the other mortgagee (in all likelihood).

In some ways I completely understand that they have taken what they saw as the easiest option at the time. I don't think they have thought it through in a long term sense. (Parent or child). I cannot see that the parent will be able to stay in the accommodation long term and i think they have left themselves financially unable to support themselves in the future.
I don't know how much care the sibling will be able to provide given they have a young family of their own, and they have been financially unreliable in the past so are unlikely to be able to support in that way. The parent won't answer these questions and prefers to see asking them as an insult to the sibling instead of actually facing what it may mean for their future. I'm unsure whether they genuinely don't know or care what they have done or just don't want to talk about it.

My dp made a very similar plan with my sibling. My dp died less than a year later and unfortunately along with the other dreadful things my sibling did, we are all now estranged. It’s a really tough thing to get past, and I am very sorry for you. It’s not grabby and it has told you something uncomfortable about your family relationships.

Currently parent is able to look after themselves, (though not fit or healthy and unable to work) and provides small amounts of childcare for the sibling.

So they’re not even married? Your mum has disinherited all four of you, the partner will end up owning the entire house without a will and at least half with a will. Your mum has been really daft and very shortsighted.

They are engaged and due to marry this year.

You say your parent is in the habit of sticking their head in the sand and I imagine that that is why did not consult with their other children, too many potential problems. I say as someone who also hopes problems will go away if I ignore them

It seems really suspicious that your parent didn't discuss this with you, especially as you are close and talk often, it’s like it was kept from you on purpose so you couldn't intervene. Do you have concerns your siblings partner has coerced your parent ?they sound quite vulnerable.

@Inheritancesucks
I think there is a lot of potential for things to go wrong here. Many years ago, an elderly relative put all the equity from their previous house into the new house that their daughter and husband were buying, as the elderly relative was going to live there. A few years passed, and the daughter died unexpectedly. The husband said the elderly relative had to move out, and that they were not entitled to any money back. So the elderly relative was left homeless and penniless. I imagine this is not a common scenario, but situations do sometimes arise where you assume someone will ‘do the right thing’ - but they might not.

DFIL did something very similar (except he doesn’t even live there anymore more, he moved out to live with his GF). Enabled SIL and BIL to retire in their 40s (mortgage free, rent out their previous property) while we will still be paying our mortgage off into our 60s.

Caused such a big rift that DH and SIL are essentially no longer speaking - to be fair, things mostly went downhill due to SIL endlessly crowing about it, but if FIL hadn’t handed her a free house the issue would never have arisen.

They probably feel they have no options which is very sad and are just hoping for the best

Yes OP personally I think it should all be discussed as a family and agreed upon that's how I will do it with my kids. It's okay to be upset about not getting a life changing amount of money in the future. My mum did a similar thing with my sister and it doesn't feel good at all. All you can do is make sure you don't do the same to your kids.

My DM did this and moved in with my DSis and her family. Genuinely, I was pleased that it worked out for them. Mum lived happily there for 20years and sister got a 5 bed house out of it.

I do think there are some implications re deprivation of assets that you need to be careful if but overall it was a good solution.
I loved my Mum deeply, I love my Sister just as much. Love is more important than money.

Dont fall out with them OP. Your Mum has set you free in a way, it will be your bro looking after her in her old age now.

We don't get the full picture - the sibling who moved in with his family and will now benefit - is it the same sibling who looked after the parent who died? Taking them to dialysis regularly? Looking after them? Lending them money? Driving them to and from hospital and giving your surviving parent some respite? Is it maybe the case other siblings distanced themselves and offered zero help? Was the benefiting sibling disproportionately (compared to other siblings) contributing to the quality of life of the parents? My friend lives in the US, her two siblings bore the brunt of her parents ill health and care in the last 7 years. It was relentless. My friend does not expect to inherit a penny because all the hassle and disruption fell to her siblings, who will benefit. The distance is to blame. And fairness.

The parent who died was cared for by the other parent and outside carers. As far as I am aware they never had to take them anywhere, transport was provided for all hospital appointments. They did provide moral support for the surviving parent, and some transport to and from hospital in the last week but other than that the surviving parent made their own way to and from hospital for visits. They never lent parents money, but have borrowed it from them. Towards the end one other sibling stayed to help with the dying parent, but essentially they died quicker than had been expected and actually didn't need to be there for care. Sibling who will benefit did most of the arranging of the funeral.
I am not against the sibling having more after the surviving parent dies, but I am concerned that the arrangement they now have leaves the surviving parent essentially with nothing. Though someone may be able to correct me on that legally (hopefully).

Depends if the parent and the partner are registered as joint tenants or tenants in common.

I think (and hope) it is more a case of not thinking the decision through past the near future. The surviving parent does not have a plan for anything other than their current situation (what happens when their health deteriorates/how future care will be arranged and or funded etc). I think the surviving parent and sibling are just hoping it will work out, rather than actually preparing for the future. This is completely the opposite of my personality so I find it very hard to understand and accept.

Has the granny annex been built yet or is your parent sleeping on a sofa bed in the actual house on a temporary basis? This doesn’t sound sustainable (or comfortable for someone in poor health).

It's been built: there is a bathroom, kitchen and living/bedroom area. In my opinion it's barely suitable now, let alone in 5/10 years time.

I think you four siblings need to sit down and lay all the cards on the table asap.

I love my brother in law dearly but would still raise an eyebrow at him becoming joint owner of my mother’s house. It’s a weird thing not to discuss as a family, and I wonder if there’s some resentment from your sister and her husband, that they’ve done the lions share of the caring and visiting.

Tbh if it wasn’t for the fact that you say the house has been put in siblings partners name rather than siblings (and they aren’t even married! 😱), then imo what your parent has done seems perfectly reasonable. Hopefully your sibling gets married asap or your Mum and sibling could be in a right pickle if things go wrong and they split.

But your Mum has obviously decided that it’s worth exchanging having less space in her home and some childcare responsibilities while the children are young (but she is still relatively able) for practical help for herself and company about as she gets older. Helping with care and being about all the time when her Grandkids are young will also create a stronger bond with them which may be a real boon for her in her later years too.

Many thousands of elderly parents and their families around the country have done a similar thing (including my own) - and personally I think more and more families will need to do so in future as the costs of daily living, including things like childcare and care home fees keep rising. Multigenerational living is both the practical as well as traditional solution for lots of families if you can stomach it!

It might seem unfair now while your Mum has minimal care needs - as you don’t get any/little inheritance and she is currently helping them more than the other way around. But even in good health, would you really want to live with your Mum 24/7? It’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

Your Mum and your sibling might think it’s worth it to try to avoid the need for a care home in future if they can (as that can be a huge fear for a lot of older people as well as worrying about loneliness) - but many people might consider it’s your sibling that could have the tougher time of it in a few years time if your Mum suddenly declines. That’s always the risk and hopefully both your sibling and Mum have considered this and decided it’s worth it.

@Inheritancesucks What do your other 2 siblings think about it?

You are being unreasonable.

Your parent is acknowledging the child who is there for them the most in the practical sense, not who they love most.

My dad cared for my grandmother for many years until she died, only to have his brother (who only lived about 2 miles away and had been about as useful as a chocolate fire guard the entire time) forcefully push a house sale from about 5 minutes after she died. Why? Because “his money” needed to go into his pension pot. So my dad, lost his home as well as his mum in very rapid succession. It sat poorly with me that she left everything 50:50 between them.

OP, parents who make ‘unwise decisions’ tend to make two at once; the one you just found out about and the one where they graciously decide you’re in line to rescue them after it goes tits up.

You can’t control decision 1. Decision 2 won’t go their way if you stay in contact but only for socialising stuff - light, bright and breezy.

Don’t take on family admin or anything structural- no power of attorney when DP gets dementia, no GP details, none of that. You might want to rescue DP from more silliness, but you can’t, and she won’t listen anyway. And she’s disinherited you.

It’s terribly sad, because in many ways you’ve lost your mother and who you thought she was already.

Don’t get saddled with years of care for an unpleasant-sounding old woman who loves herself most.

Your first post : Is it grabby to be upset that my remaining parent has signed the house over to 1 sibling and essentially provided for them and their family but left me, my kids, and the other siblings out completely?

This is your main concern. So yes, YABU. You wouldn't swap places with the sibling who's going to be living with your bereaved aging parent, would you? If your AIBU had been to actually worry about the well-being of your parent... but it wasn't. So first step : be honest about what it is that you want and what it is that you're prepared to do to achieve that.