Aibu to be upset about the decision my parent has made?

[Inheritancesucks]

Name change for this.
One of my dps died a couple of years ago. The other was left with 2 pensions and a house from the deceased parent. The remaining parent was concerned they couldn't afford to remain in the house which was in very poor repair. The remaining parent has therefore decided to let 1 of the (4) dc move in (with their partner and 2 young dc) and added them to the mortgage so they could get a loan out against the house in order to add a granny flat so they can stay there and the dc and their family live in the original house.
All of this was decided and signed off before the remaining parent told me about it.
Is it wrong that I am upset by this? Is it grabby to be upset that my remaining parent has signed the house over to 1 sibling and essentially provided for them and their family but left me, my kids, and the other siblings out completely?
I'm trying really hard to move on from this, but finding it next to impossible. Im trying to tell myself that the remaining parent just wanted stability, and not that it is a reflection on how they feel about me or my other siblings. Happy to be told I need to get myself together and remaining parent can do whatever they like and don't owe me anything (which i do know). Could you move on from it?
In the interests of openness, the dc who is moving into the house is the only 1 who lived less than a couple of hours away from them.

I haven't spoken to my sibling, no. Maybe I should, but maybe as others in the thread have said, its nothing to do with me, the parent would have asked for my opinion if theybwanted it, its grabby to question it and i should just trust that all has been done above board and in the best interests of the parent. I saw it as the job of my parent to have told me and my other siblings what was happening. I don't think they have been conned. I just think they haven't thought it through and just took the easiest option which was to have someone else sort it out for them, and didn't care what happened as long as they didn't have to think about it. They struggle to take responsibility and I think are just happy to have someone they can delegate all responsibility to. This used to be the other parent, and now seems to have transferred to the sibling.
The parent told me after it was done and dusted, apparently the sibling thought we had been told beforehand, whether that is true or the parent trying to protect the sibling from fall out I don't know.

Briefly but not in detail. They said it was what the parent wanted (which i don't doubt) and they felt it was unfair to treat them as though they had done anything wrong.
The other siblings 1 has cut contact with the surviving parent to the bare minimum. The other is like me and somewhere in the middle but inclined to just let it play out.

This is something I would never do, because of what happened once before...

A CAUTIONARY TALE

My mum lived in a village and there was a lovely old stone property owned by a couple, they'd lived there many years. They invited their only DD to move in with them with her DH and children. The younger family took full ownership of the house and renovated it, adding an annex in the garden for the parents. All seemed well, until a couple of years later when the father had stroke and soon after the whole property went on the market. My mum was told by the mother they (the older couple) were told it wasn't working out and they'd need to find a new home. The younger family moved to a new build in a nearby big town, and left the parents to present themselves homeless to the Council. They were housed in next small town in a block of flats with a very poor reputation. The flat had been occupied by a dealer previously so the couple had many visitors at unsocial hours looking for the previous tenant. Shortly after this the father had another stroke and was in hospital a few months before he died. It was devastating for the couple who claimed to never truly understand why their family did what they did. The whole village were appalled and I don't think the DD could ever have shown her face, such was the vitriol spoken about them. It was talk of the village for some time.

Obviously no one knows the dynamic in the relationship of the family and it may have been intolerable for the younger family too. Mistakes were made and the situation was always going to be complicated once poor health was factored in. Never go into anything unless there is route out considered.

Has she done equity release?

was there coercion?

Re: being grabby to question it, I honestly think the ‘inheritance’ issue should be set aside for the time being. The most important thing is if your parent has been left in an extremely precarious position - and you should speak to your sibling from that perspective, ie needing to get to the bottom of the financial / legal / tax / care situation, for your parent’s sake.

There will not be an inheritance tax issue if they are now joint tenants rather than tenants in common.

There may be an issue for care costs.

They will have. They just want to avoid having a proper conversation with you about it. No solicitor will allow a transfer to go ahead without seeing the parties and advising them to get independent legal advice.

@Spirallingdownwards Yes and the solicitor(s) involved may have been unaware that the parent had three other children who knew nothing about the transfer. They only know what their clients tell them. It’s all v. odd and let’s hope that the Mum is well taken care of.

If they have capacity then it is up to them. You might not like it, people might agree with you but that's the truth of it.

Exactly OP, you need to treat it as you would if ypur DM had a new boyfriend who suddenly moved in and was now on the mortgage or deeds.

Unfortunately elderly abuse doesn't discriminate on relations.

Your sister's DP taking this on doesn't sound selfless, especially as it wasn't communicated to the wider family.

It's looking out for your parent, as you hopefully would even if there was no inheritance.

I've had a lifetime with a Mum who makes poor decisions on a whim - she cheerfully admits she's impulsive and impatient - and buries her head in the sand about the consequences, so i have sympathy for your POV OP.

Ideally all 4 of you siblings should've had a chance to talk this through with your DP before anything was signed and acted on, but that ship has sailed. There are a lot of assumptions being made about your DS caring for your DP in the future - but she may not. Your DP is now consigned to a small, inadequate part of the house seemingly without access to funds if they need to buy in future care, or ability to sell if they need to go into sheltered accom.
This MIGHT all have been worked out between your DP and DS in advance, but it doesn't sound likely.
I'd be looking at contacting an org like Age UK for advice too

I know someone who this happened to.
My friend’s brother moved himself and his wife and family into the (dementing) MIL’s house ‘to look after her during Covid’.
The MIL died.
The relationship broke up.
My friend’s brother moved out.
The SIL is still there, with the kids.

It's surprised me how common this is!
In the situation in our family, the sibling who moved into the surviving parents home didn't care for them adequately, and on their death that sibling got absolutely everything.

@FindingMeno in this case it could be the sibling’s partner that gets everything

I had to do similar, however it was my youngest who got the mortgage, she has LD's and autism. She wouldn't have been able to live without support and is only capable of earning around £24k a year. My eldest didn't need the money, she was happy with £7k. My middle DD, is being paid £12k in instalments. You can draw up an agreement via a solicitor. I think that the house should have been valued. Then the costs of renovations, estate agents etc taken into account and an amount been earmarked for you. I agree that you need to check out the possibility of financial abuse. Your sibling and mother could be homeless in five years.

Absolutely. And even if they do get married the partner will be entitled to at least half the house if it doesn't work out. It's a bit of a shitshow really!

I'm not sure this is particularly similar. The sibling who will benefit has no more need of financial support than the rest of the siblings. I guess it's just the outcome of different choices. All the other siblings have jobs and moved away, the other has never worked and stayed near the parents so has had time to help them, whilst the parents helped the sibling out financially until they met their partner, which enabled them to have support nearby.
I suppose if the siblings relationship broke down (or the marriage didn't work out if that happens) neither they nor the parent would be able to pay the amount outstanding on the house so them both being homeless is a real possibility.

Not if they are tenants in common with your mother. If they have bought into a percentage of the house your mother will still own her share. My ex and I bought a house with my mother, she owned one third of the house and she could leave it to me, charity or my siblings. In our case we bought her out as we got divorced and she had a third of the value

Thanks, that's good to know. What would have happened if you had been unable to afford to buy her out do you know?

Wed have had to sell. We were going to sell anyway so we each got out share out but she had an opportunity so wanted the money faster and we wanted to take out time, kids schools etc.

The solicitor was very careful about going through the pros and cons for things like her share was cash and ours was mainly mortgage so hers was safe as the money wouldn't just be split but she'd get her third and we'd get ours after mortgage settled. He was also very clear it was appropriate to do tenants in common rather than joint tenants.

I assume all solicitors have that sort of duty of care.