Aibu to be upset about the decision my parent has made?

[Inheritancesucks]

Name change for this.
One of my dps died a couple of years ago. The other was left with 2 pensions and a house from the deceased parent. The remaining parent was concerned they couldn't afford to remain in the house which was in very poor repair. The remaining parent has therefore decided to let 1 of the (4) dc move in (with their partner and 2 young dc) and added them to the mortgage so they could get a loan out against the house in order to add a granny flat so they can stay there and the dc and their family live in the original house.
All of this was decided and signed off before the remaining parent told me about it.
Is it wrong that I am upset by this? Is it grabby to be upset that my remaining parent has signed the house over to 1 sibling and essentially provided for them and their family but left me, my kids, and the other siblings out completely?
I'm trying really hard to move on from this, but finding it next to impossible. Im trying to tell myself that the remaining parent just wanted stability, and not that it is a reflection on how they feel about me or my other siblings. Happy to be told I need to get myself together and remaining parent can do whatever they like and don't owe me anything (which i do know). Could you move on from it?
In the interests of openness, the dc who is moving into the house is the only 1 who lived less than a couple of hours away from them.

Agree completely.

Being able to help a parent is great but shouldn't be with the expectation of being paid for it.

Just because a siblings isn't able to help, doesn't make them lesser and should have been discussed as a family.
Not about the money, but protecting your mum and making sure she's signed the right documents and not been rushed into the decision.

I get you OP as your parent had been left in a vulnerable position.

If the relationship breaks down between your Dsis & BIL, or between them both and her, she could lose everything.

I was reading about a mum who split her house into two flats and set up her DD & DGD in one. Her DD forced her out and won in court.

I posted upthread, about the elderly relative who was left homeless and penniless after her daughter died and the son-in-law refused to give her the money back that had been put into the house. The elderly relative went to live with her son and his family (the only remaining family that the elderly relative had). It wasn’t easy - it was a small house and the three children had to share a bedroom for many years to allow a bedroom for the elderly relative. This was the 1970s, and there were no other options.

I suspect it would be different now. But in your case I suspect there would be a big issue re: deprivation of assets if your dp needed a care home, if they have essentially given their house away.

If it was me, I would try to get to the bottom of this now (working out what would be the outcome on a number of different scenarios), and try to find out what measures / protections have been put in place re: your dp’s assets and financial security in the long term. This is more important that considerations of inheritance imo. Tbh, I don’t think anyone can assume they will get an inheritance, as elderly parents may need care, and that is hugely expensive.

You need to find out who is on the deeds - is it just your sister’s partner? As surely if your parent was also on the deeds then they would also be named on the mortgage - which sounds unlikely. If your parent isn’t on the deeds, then they have given their house away to this partner. You should find out what legal advice was given, and what the legal / financial / tax and care implications are. You should find out if anything can be done to protect your parent, as this is potentially a complete disaster waiting to happen… Was there coercion? Is it possible to challenge this legally?

This way she has company on hand, she is not downsizing out of the area.
Believe me it won't be a walk in the park for Dsis either, looking after an aging parent is difficult.
I would ensure that DM got a fair deal but that would be it.

When asked the parent says they don't know. This could be genuine or could be to avoid admitting they have left themselves in a vulnerable position. I can't see how any of it could be challenged except by the parent who wouldn't. Partly for fear of upsetting the sibling benefitting, and partly because they would not want to admit being wrong.
I think i just have to accept it is as it is now and try and step back. It wasn't my choice, but equally isn't my responsibility to fix.

I agree @Phoenix1Arisen, the Mum has made herself v. financially vulnerable and as I said upthread, I don’t like the fact that none of the other siblings were aware of this decision until it was done and dusted. It def. suggests that the sibling didn’t want them asking any difficult questions.

I hope it works out well for the Mum, but one of friends is currently dealing with a difficult situation- her sister and family moved in with her Mum to “take care of her” and have been using Mum’s money to pay the family’s bills, everything from food to clothes shopping for her and her teenagers. Unfortunately, the Mum is now showing signs of dementia and can’t remember what she agreed to. Thousands have already been spent.
So the OP and her other siblings need to keep a sharp eye on this situation and ensure that their Mum is OK.

The parent can still be on the Deeds even if not on the mortgage, in fact the OP's sibling could also be on the Deeds, but ideally the OP needs to get a copy of them, and see for herself what the score is, if her parent or DS won't tell her.

In your shoes OP, I think I would get together with your remaining siblings, and all go to your parent's home, and insist on discussing what has occurred, and why you weren't told about it in advance. I would also want to know, how the sibling who has effectively bought 50% of the property - assuming your parent is still on the Deeds, plans on dealing with it, when/if your parent needs to go into a care home, as they will have to find enough money to give your parent half the cost of the house, and of course the Council could end up looking at it all as 'deprivation of assets', in which case they could all find themselves in VERY hot water.

What you you consider to be a fair deal?

The big if in this particular case would appear to be IF the daughter cares for the mother, for life, as recompense for the assets/house being handed over and in these circumstances, where there appears to be no legal advice, no seeking of expert guidance, no safety measures put in place and no will, no guarantee whatever that is what will happen.

OP - I strongly disagree with other posters that you're being grabby. Your entirely rational views and your obvious concern at this whole hole-in-the-corner scenario does you credit. Good luck.

Sounds to me as if your parent has been sold a great plan when she was vulnerable.
It is 100% in your siblings partners interests NOT to marry your sibling.
The house has been signed over to him.
The additional works will benefit him.

Marrying your sibling in not in his interests now that he is on the deeds.

I would contact Age Action UK for advice.

This was not in your mothers best interests and the secrecy is testimony to that.

Has the house been signed over or has the sister and her fiance raised a mortgage to buy a share in the house and the money spent on the house. A solicitor has almost certainly been involved and should have advised.

I don't know the parent is unclear.
I know there was no money raised by the sibling, as they had to borrow the money for all the works against the house. As the parent is in poor health and doesn't work they couldn't borrow, and the sibling doesn't work so the partner is the one who has signed whatever it is that has been agreed with the bank.
I would hope a solicitor has been involved but the parent is unclear whether they have seen someone or not.

Wasn't money raised by the mortgage?

Why do you think this? You have absolutely no way of knowing this! Sibling’s partner being on the mortgage is really sus, especially if sibling not married (which it sounds like).

I’d be upset too OP - I wonder how this idea was “sold” to your DP 🤔

The parent didn't have a mortgage on the house it had been paid off years ago. I am unclear whether they have jointly taken out a mortgage (dp and siblings partner) or if a loan has been taken out against the house. I do know the partner had to be added as they were the only one of the 3 involved who had an income. I could be wrong with those assumptions, the parent could have signed the house over completely. They are very unwilling to admit when they have made unwise choices due to pride, so the likelihood of getting honest answers is small.

When did this all happen? You can buy an online copy of the deeds from hm land registry (to check who is named on the deeds) for a few pounds (make sure you go through the actual HM land registry (ie website finishes in gov.uk) site, as third party companies will also do it for you but it is usually £25 + (a complete rip off). However, it can take a few months for it all to be updated on land registry, so you may need to buy the deeds a few times until it has changed, but at approx £3 a go, it is not that expensive.

If your parent truly does not know whose name is on the deeds, that would be a massive red flag for me - did they get legal advice? Have they been misled?

You say it is not your problem, but if your parent is homeless / penniless / not eligible for social care a few years down the line, would you really be able to just say ‘not my problem’? I would really struggle to turn a parent away in those circumstances.

I live closer to my DM than my sister and do lots for her
No way would I think that entitled me to any more of her assets

Same

The problem is as you say no wider family discussion and this is what causes the wider family fall out. No idea why people do this tbh.

It’s really sad that they didn’t discuss it with you first. That is a weird dynamic.

to be honest you are probably better off out of it. Your sibling and fiancé will end up doing a lot of boring care for your parent and are in a very bad situation if their relationship ends. I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes. Try to rise above it and stay well out of it for your own benefit

Agree, the siblings should have been transparent even if DM didn't want to.

Elderly abuse is on the rise and like most abuse, it's usually the people close to the victim.

If i was your DS OP, I would want everything accounted for, to avoid any future accusations.

Getting her DP on the mortgage is a recipe for disaster.

I don't agree it's not your mess to fix though, she is still your DM and together with the other siblings, you can try and help her.

Even if DS and her partner are true to their word and help look after her, would they be in a position to sell if she need the funds for an Old people's home?

If they were genuine, I think they would have been transparent.

I would hope a solicitor has been involved but the parent is unclear whether they have seen someone or not.

@Inheritancesucks Does your parent have capacity? I don’t see how they can if they don’t know whether a solicitor was consulted. Who drew up the paperwork?

If they don’t have capacity, this whole transaction could be declared invalid.

OP, you say that your parent is unwilling to discuss the matter, but what about the sibling who has moved in with them, have you tried talking to them, and if so, what was their response, as if they refuse to tell you, I would be VERY worried! In fact, if that was the case, I would be inclined to report to the police that you feel your parent is being conned, and ask them if they can look into it, as it sounds like elder abuse, if no one will discuss it. A bit like cuckooing, but at least the SIL to be, has had to input some cash, however, if the house has been signed over to him based on this, then I do think the police might be interested. Please don't just stand aside and feel pissed off, OP, I think you need to get more involved here. Have you asked anyone involved, why you weren't told about it before it became a fait accompli? Also, who was it who told you what they have done, as presumably if it was one of those involved, you were in a position to ask questions then?

They do have capacity. They have a tendency to say they don't know to avoid answering the question, either because they know that the answer won't be well received or because they don't want to admit what they have done. This is not only in discussion around this but with anything. It's very difficult to get a straight answer.

Ugh, that’s so frustrating @Inheritancesucks.

Have you spoken to this sibling @Inheritancesucks? Or any of your siblings?