Aibu to be upset about the decision my parent has made?

[Inheritancesucks]

Name change for this.
One of my dps died a couple of years ago. The other was left with 2 pensions and a house from the deceased parent. The remaining parent was concerned they couldn't afford to remain in the house which was in very poor repair. The remaining parent has therefore decided to let 1 of the (4) dc move in (with their partner and 2 young dc) and added them to the mortgage so they could get a loan out against the house in order to add a granny flat so they can stay there and the dc and their family live in the original house.
All of this was decided and signed off before the remaining parent told me about it.
Is it wrong that I am upset by this? Is it grabby to be upset that my remaining parent has signed the house over to 1 sibling and essentially provided for them and their family but left me, my kids, and the other siblings out completely?
I'm trying really hard to move on from this, but finding it next to impossible. Im trying to tell myself that the remaining parent just wanted stability, and not that it is a reflection on how they feel about me or my other siblings. Happy to be told I need to get myself together and remaining parent can do whatever they like and don't owe me anything (which i do know). Could you move on from it?
In the interests of openness, the dc who is moving into the house is the only 1 who lived less than a couple of hours away from them.

I think it's as you say, they were most likely trying to secure their future, so no malice but also no consideration. It wouldn't sit easy with me either.

YABU if you are not around to help care for your parent.

I liver much closer to my DM than my sister, it’s me who pops round to sort out paperwork. It’s me that takes her to appointments when needed.

When my DSD passes, I may well suggest something similar with my DM. It will annoy my DS but she’s not the one doing all the worrying and running around.

Quite possibly, I think the fact i wasn't told until it was a done deal has made it feel differently.

Well I guess it was to help themselves (the parent) out if they couldn’t afford the house. The DC will also be the one doing or sorting care needs though so you have peace of mind on that score.

what would you have preferred them to have done?

I understand that side of it completely. I wouldn't feel quite so upset if it hadn't been done without telling me beforehand. I'm also quite uneasy that it is my siblings partner who has been added to the mortgage (I believe with my parent) rather than my sibling, due to their work situation.

Leaving aside your feelings, I think this has the potential to get really messy if your sibling's relationship breaks down.

I'm certain no malice was intended. I think the sibling who inherited will be fair, in the end.

Well parent can do what they want, they have done this it seems to secure their own future and care, and I also think if this sibling is the only one actually living close to provide company as well as being the one who is doing to be doing all of the care & support, drs/hospital trips, shopping etc, they deserve the extra anyway.

The problem is I'm not sure they will be providing care for my parent. As far as I can tell it hasn't been discussed. The living area provided for the parent is inadequate in my opinion - think 65+ year old with bad back sleeping on a sofa bed because of lack of space. I think the whole thing hasn't been thought through properly and am worried about what it means for the parents future, as well as how I've felt being left out of the loop completely.

My gran did something similar, gave my parents money to add a granny flat to their house. Her money grabbing kids were whiny about it so she gave them some money too to make it “fair”. They think my parents are quids in and will sell their house at a big profit because the granny flat is on there. Actually it has meant the market for their property is much smaller, fewer people are interested in buying it, and they are stuck with a granny flat they have to pay extra council tax, standing charge for utilities etc. That’s on top of making themselves ill looking after her for 15 years before she died with fuck all help from any of her 4 siblings.

No sympathy for you, I expect if you were close to them, they would have discussed it with you.

Had your remaining parent asked you if you would move in with them, and do the things your sibling is doing, what would you have said, bearing in mind you've indicated that you live a lot further away OP?

As far as what you said about 'I'm also quite uneasy that it is my siblings partner who has been added to the mortgage (I believe with my parent) rather than my sibling, due to their work situation.' I don't think it's quite so important as to who is on the mortgage, but who is on the Deeds of the property. I'd check and make sure that your DS has her name on the Deeds, and if not, I would encourage her to take legal advice, as in theory, if your remaining parent dies, he could then presumably sell the house, as he would be the sole owner, unless your parent has covered this situation in their Will. Do you know if your parent actually took legal advice about this idea before putting it into action OP?

Fair enough. Up until this happened I thought we were close. Clearly I was wrong.
I actually wish the parent had downsized (though i do understand they didn't want to move) because I think this has left them in a very precarious position financially as they get older, and I am not in a position to be able to help them out. I'm not interested in the money, it's the feeling of being completely cut out while one sibling is given everything.

Why did you need to be told? Your DP isn’t dead yet and can do with their home what they want. Did you already bank on the inheritance? It sounds like a good solution for everyone involved. You do realize your sibling will have to do a lot more caring than you?

There also sounds like there's all sorts to consider.eg who legally owns the house, the implications of a relationship split with sibling and partner, deprivation assets, IHT

I live closer to my DM than my sister and do lots for her
No way would I think that entitled me to any more of her assets

No, nothing was discussed with me or my other siblings until it was all signed.
I asked my parent about a will and what happens if they need the security of the house to fund care as they age, they don't have one. I begged them to speak with someone and they refused. I will try and broach the question of who is on the deeds, but this parent has a habit of burying their head in the sand and probably won't even know what they have signed.

Step back.
Not your house, not your money, not your mortgage.

When the parent does die - maybe in 20+ years time if only 65+ now, maybe the will will surprise you.

Obviously I acknowledge usual stuff re people can leave their money house etc to whoever they like etc etc

but
Yes OP this would p… me off. Especially as the rest of you weren’t told and could have at least had a discussion together re your dps care.

Maybe Your dp could have let them move in without signing the house over
Perhaps your dp has left cash and investments to you and your siblings amounting to an equal sum
Or perhaps your sibling is greedy and deceitful as, let’s face it, they didn’t tell you either.

You are just making up scenarios, you don’t know what has been discussed at all, you didn’t even know about the arrangement.
if you are so worried, why don’t you live closer or are more involved.

Don’t care what anyone says about not being entitled/shouldn’t expect inheritance, but I’d be peed off had my dm done this. It feels very like the other dc have been totally sidelined/not asked their opinion. I know the parent has the right to safeguard themself, but I can imagine it feels very upsetting. Is the sibling in question likely to provide care?

My remaining parent was also anxious about having enough money to keep the house running.

i think it’s a common worry.

people where you have this sort of multigenerational living have told me there can be all kinds of issues.

Unless the granny flat is very big (and even if it is) your parent is likely to rely on your sibling and their family heavily for company and socialisation. This has a big impact on their family relationships.

as your parent becomes older and frailer they will expect your sibling and their family to pick up suppprting them. This can be a very onerous burden.

in addition, should your parent need care, the house is presumably still at least partially hers. If she has to go into a nursing home they may have to sell to fund her care.

it’s quite rare that this sort of thing happens and all parties have really thought through what is involved. I can completely see why you are thrown, especially if this has happened suddenly.

Maybe worth just checking with all sides that they have thought this through?

I didn't have to be told. Of course it is their decision to make. But I am in regular contact with my parent (phone calls and visits) and had discussed the living situation and some of their options with them before the decision was made.
I wasn't banking on the inheritance, in my opinion it's likely that the parent will need the money in future as they are not in good health.
This seems to be the assumption of most people, but my worry is that it doesn't seem to have been discussed at all.

The sibling in question is the only one who lives less than 2 hours from parent- they are also now going to be living with parent. If you want things fair & equal that doesn’t just mean money after death!

If I lived hours from my parent and my sister chose to essentially live with my parent as they aged I would absolutely expect them to receive more than I did of whatever was left.

You can check who owns a property at the land registry website.

they can run months behind however.

https://www.gov.uk/government/organisations/land-registry

What do your other siblings think about this? Will your sibling and their partner be paying the mortgage? You say that it's the partner that has been added to the mortgage. Does that mean that the house wasn't paid off on the death of your other parent so there was still an existing mortgage to be paid as well as the additional money for the granny flat?