To hate DSD sticking stuff to her walls

[Eriani]

DSD is 20, she’s just finishing her second year of uni. She’s living with us and isn’t from the UK (neither is DH). I’ve really struggled to bond with her, she talks to DH in her native language and puts little effort into joining the family as a whole. DH has made it clear I shouldn’t force her.

DSD has a pretty small room, though not a box room, it’s outdated and we told her we’d redecorate it for her. She said she likes that the paint is a little faded and the wall paper is “old fashioned”, we’ve offered new furniture, to carpet it (just floor boards right now, band sanded and varnished). She keeps saying it’s fine as it is, but we did get her a rug and a taller bookshelf.

She has taken up a habit of sticking stuff to the walls, a poster she got from a tourist shop for free that’s a bit tatty, a random vintage tennis racket etc. That’s fine though. My actual issue is one wall is so random, I know it’s not my room, but she has sticky notes with random quotes from books, pages from books ripped out, a letter from her boyfriend etc. Tbh it’s an eyesore and very random and all tapped up with cello tape.

DH thinks it’s fine, she hasn’t asked us to redecorate and it’s how she wants it. I’m almost never in there so it doesn’t impact me, but I do go in and hoover and change her bedding occasionally (she does her own most of the time but sometimes to be nice I do it). Also my kids have recently had their rooms redone so I would never let them do this, I also think it’s quite childish for someone in their 20s.

AIBU to hate this and suggest she finds another way to display this stuff? Or should I just let her do as she wishes?

You come across as very controlling OP. I wonder if you hoover "occasionally" her space not so much to be helpful but so you can nose around her room.
You don't have any attachment to her and in fact looks like you resent her being there. She probably senses it to. She is always going to be her daughter and that's never going to change, she deserves time with her father and her father's family.
Also, need to point this out, in a lot of European countries, 20 is not a grown up adult, more like teen if that makes sense. She still needs family and connexion, she needs to feel she belongs. And no, I don't think she's being childish for sticking things on her wall , she sounds very creative and perhaps trying to make the place more homely.

Dd has graduated and is living back at home. I haven’t hoovered her room in years (except maybe just before she was coming home from uni for the holidays), and very very rarely hoover DS’s who is just finishing school - they do it themselves - sometimes after firm cajoling, and I certainly don’t change their beds - they do that (again I may need to ask them to strip their beds and bring everything down to be washed). There’s no real need for you to do it, unless she’s happy for you to do so. Have you asked her whether she’d prefer to hoover herself?

It doesn’t affect you in any way. You’re being petty and judgemental

Wow!
you re very wrong. It doesnt matter that it was re-decorated. It is their space amd they should feel they can decorate however way they want.

i cant believe you say “i would not “allow” my kids to put stuffs on the walls”. Really! I am sad for them that they can find and / or express themselves in “their” bedroom.

fyi, we renovated our entire home at the cost of hundred of thousands of £ and extented the kids room. Now they decorate however they want and they chose their paint colour at the time. If they wanted to re-decorate because their tastes have changed, i would buy the paint and teach them how to do it.

dont forbid please, your bedroom is where they can find what spark them whixh important for their development.

and no 20 is perfectly fine dont be so judgmental

It ISNT “being nice” going into another adults personal space and furtling about.
Its a power move, showing her who’s boss
Stop it.

YABU. You need to sort out your control issues.

She’s being a 20 year old. Leave the poor kid alone!

At her age, I did exactly the same, a hook for scarves, random sayings/posters. It’s perfectly normal. Leave it. The not speaking English is a bit bad, tho, given the common language is English. Fine in private conversations to her dad, but you say she speaks to you and your dc in English, so what’s the issue? Have you tried to learn your DH’s language? I would.

This is why everyone hates step mothers. You should be celebrating this intelligent, creative woman, not getting pissy about how she decorates her personal space. Which you shouldn't be going into in the first place, btw.

It really is sad, you don't sound like you like her at all. How much time do you spend in her room and how does it affect you ?

@Eriani OP, I'm with the others who have said that this isn't about sticking stuff to the walls, it's about having to now share your DH with his daughter. You've gone from having her around during summers to her living with you, which is a big change, and you're trying to have some control of the situation. I can see why you feel you need to exert some influence on this, by reacting to your DSD's bedroom decor, but you're in the wrong about it. Leave her space alone. You don't need to be changing the bedding or hoovering. My DD is 17 and I always knock on her door and don't go in when she's not there if I can help it as I respect her privacy. As an aside, we decorated her room and spent a lot of money on new furniture and she still sticks stuff to the walls! I could be all precious about it but she loves her room and feels happy and comfortable in it.

Speaking French with her father is understandable if that's her first language. She can let herself ramble without having to think. If you can learn to speak German fluently in one year then you could do better than you might think at picking up French. It would make a statement to your DSD that you value her. Conversely, not trying to learn her and her father's shared language sends a clear message that you do not.

That's quite an indifferent response from you. So they are depressing? She's a teenager and they are notoriously moody at times. But also, maybe she has good cause to feel these quotes resonate, when she is away from her mother, in a foreign country, with a step mother who seems to neither understand nor approve. Just accept her quirks. They are not exactly hard to live with. She could be smoking dope in your living room, or stealing from you, or staying out all night or self harming, running rings around you. She hasn't even caused you the trouble of redecorating.

Imagine someone moving into your home without your consent, changing your house and even disliking your own personal bedroom decor, and getting huffy that you speak in your first language at home.

I feel for your SD. What an absolute nightmare.