To hate DSD sticking stuff to her walls

[Eriani]

DSD is 20, she’s just finishing her second year of uni. She’s living with us and isn’t from the UK (neither is DH). I’ve really struggled to bond with her, she talks to DH in her native language and puts little effort into joining the family as a whole. DH has made it clear I shouldn’t force her.

DSD has a pretty small room, though not a box room, it’s outdated and we told her we’d redecorate it for her. She said she likes that the paint is a little faded and the wall paper is “old fashioned”, we’ve offered new furniture, to carpet it (just floor boards right now, band sanded and varnished). She keeps saying it’s fine as it is, but we did get her a rug and a taller bookshelf.

She has taken up a habit of sticking stuff to the walls, a poster she got from a tourist shop for free that’s a bit tatty, a random vintage tennis racket etc. That’s fine though. My actual issue is one wall is so random, I know it’s not my room, but she has sticky notes with random quotes from books, pages from books ripped out, a letter from her boyfriend etc. Tbh it’s an eyesore and very random and all tapped up with cello tape.

DH thinks it’s fine, she hasn’t asked us to redecorate and it’s how she wants it. I’m almost never in there so it doesn’t impact me, but I do go in and hoover and change her bedding occasionally (she does her own most of the time but sometimes to be nice I do it). Also my kids have recently had their rooms redone so I would never let them do this, I also think it’s quite childish for someone in their 20s.

AIBU to hate this and suggest she finds another way to display this stuff? Or should I just let her do as she wishes?

My bedrooms as a teen/uni student/house shares were similar.

I was only thinking the other day it’s a shame it’s no longer socially acceptable to blu-tac random things that make me smile to my bedroom wall.

OP you are being unreasonable.
Respect her personal, private space and her own individuality..
To be honest - she sounds whimsical and cool.
I can see why she doesn’t engage with you.

YABU, I don’t see the problem, you obviously just don’t like her

YABVU

You've already said you don't really go in there or mind, yet you've come on here whinging about it to us.

She just has a different taste to you, isn't from this country and is probably enjoying how different things here can be.

Sounds like you just don't like that she has her own taste.

I've got photos on my bedroom wall and I'm double her age.

I’m 45 and I still stick things to my walls that I like. It’s her room, she should be allowed to decorate it as she likes.
its also insane to me that your kids aren’t allowed to put up posters or whatever.

Why? It’s old wallpaper and paint that they wanted to replace, anyway.

I’m genuinely astonished by the fact that anyone could write this post and consider themselves reasonable. Like, how?!

You sound mean and judgemental. I wouldn't want to speak in English to you either.

Why does it bother you that she has stuck things up? She is not ruining the walls - they already need to be decorated.

Does she know that you go into her room,translate what she has written and then judge her for it?

Stop being cruel

It’s her room . Leave her alone !

OP, you sound quite resentful of your DSD.
Nit picking over her bedroom walls seems very petty.
Perhaps, rather than complain that she speaks in her first language to her dad - which, incidentally, is a very normal thing to do - you make more of an effort to learn and converse in their first language occasionally.

when she does very occasionally speak English to me you can tell very clearly she doesn’t want to

Most of us don't particularly want to talk with people we sense dislike, judge or resent us. I'm sure you'll say "no no I've always been perfectly nice and don't say anything rude" but the reality is people pick up on how we feel towards them. Almost every commentator here has gotten this from a few short posts with no expressions, body language or voice tone so your DSD absolutely will have.

Leave her be. The room is fine. Her dad thinks it's fine. Obviously you have a bit of a bee in your bonnet about her rightly ot wrongly. Does your hisband not encourage her to speak in English when your around?

I actually do this.

i’m 49 and it’s my house.

My daughter has a wall like this. Covered in quotes from her favourite books, song lyrics and, random notes of tv shows she wants to see. I love that she feels able to do this and, it gives me a snapshot into her individuality. I’d let her do her thing. Didn’t we all have posters on our walls as young adults?

Stay out of her room! That’s her private space. You don’t need to hoover it or change the bed linen. I would hate to be a young woman forced to live with somebody so judgemental and interfering who keeps coming into my room ‘to be nice’. Let’s be honest, you’re not doing it to be nice, you are doing it to be territorial. No wonder she has such gloomy quotes on the wall and resists communicating with you.

Just close the door. You sound very controlling. It's important for kids to have their own space as they like it.

Dear god. Your poor not so DSD.

and also

Also my kids have recently had their rooms redone so I would never let them do this

Your poor children.

And also - what?

I also think it’s quite childish for someone in their 20s.

You are the issue here, OP. Let your children and your SD live how they want to.

OP, you're being weird. It's her room, her business. Live and let live.

Cop yourself on.

I thought you were going to say you'd just redecorated and she'd ruined the walls. I'd've been furious in your position and very sympathetic were that the case. (However, in that case, I'd let my kids do it if they put all that creativity on big boards or sheets of paper 🤣)

Shut the door, don't look, and mind your own! Eyesore? Team DSD.

You’ll fall out with her if you change it but give her more storage and get her to do a big declutter

Mm, I don’t think I’d put myself out to engage with you either, if I were in her shoes!

I had a fabulous wall in my bedroom when I shared a house in my twenties. Covered with magazine tear outs from The Face and various Sunday supplements. You sound incredibly dull and controlling.

But mainly, I think, you are insecure and resent your SD?

Poor girl. She sounds creative and individual. Good for her.

You what?