Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To hate DSD sticking stuff to her walls

188 replies

Eriani · 28/05/2025 17:44

DSD is 20, she’s just finishing her second year of uni. She’s living with us and isn’t from the UK (neither is DH). I’ve really struggled to bond with her, she talks to DH in her native language and puts little effort into joining the family as a whole. DH has made it clear I shouldn’t force her.

DSD has a pretty small room, though not a box room, it’s outdated and we told her we’d redecorate it for her. She said she likes that the paint is a little faded and the wall paper is “old fashioned”, we’ve offered new furniture, to carpet it (just floor boards right now, band sanded and varnished). She keeps saying it’s fine as it is, but we did get her a rug and a taller bookshelf.

She has taken up a habit of sticking stuff to the walls, a poster she got from a tourist shop for free that’s a bit tatty, a random vintage tennis racket etc. That’s fine though. My actual issue is one wall is so random, I know it’s not my room, but she has sticky notes with random quotes from books, pages from books ripped out, a letter from her boyfriend etc. Tbh it’s an eyesore and very random and all tapped up with cello tape.

DH thinks it’s fine, she hasn’t asked us to redecorate and it’s how she wants it. I’m almost never in there so it doesn’t impact me, but I do go in and hoover and change her bedding occasionally (she does her own most of the time but sometimes to be nice I do it). Also my kids have recently had their rooms redone so I would never let them do this, I also think it’s quite childish for someone in their 20s.

AIBU to hate this and suggest she finds another way to display this stuff? Or should I just let her do as she wishes?

OP posts:
IveGotAnUnusuallyLargePelvisISwear · 28/05/2025 18:04

Just don’t go in her room. She’s 20, she can hoover her own room and change her own bedding. And no she’s not childish 🙄

Cheesenotcheesecake · 28/05/2025 18:05

YAB massively U

WhatNoRaisins · 28/05/2025 18:06

Do you really think any good will come from you challenging her on this?

EleanorReally · 28/05/2025 18:06

yeesh · 28/05/2025 17:51

why are you so controlling?

i agree, she is studying - leave her to get on with her own style

queenrollo · 28/05/2025 18:07

I’m nearly 50 and you have basically described a wall in my art/craft room. My bedroom was like that in my teens and twenties.
It’s not at all childish.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/05/2025 18:09

It might also be worth considering that the fact she is personalising her room is a good sign that she feels she is settling in, and is ‘at home’, @Eriani.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 28/05/2025 18:09

Leave it.

mugglewump · 28/05/2025 18:09

YABU - at 20 she has a right to make her room in her dad's home as she likes. It sounds like you have some other issues with the poor girl. Are you jealous of her relationship with her dad?

FortyElephants · 28/05/2025 18:12

She's 20. Who are you to 'let' or not 'let' her decorate her room since it isn't doing you any harm?!

Meadowfinch · 28/05/2025 18:13

YABVU It's her room, not yours. Leave her to have it as she wishes.

If it causes you such stress, ask her to hoover her own room, or get your dh to do it.

Have you tried speaking her language?

parietal · 28/05/2025 18:13

Why do you even look in her room? It is her private space to decorate however she wants. If she decides to paint purple demons on the ceiling and bright green walls, that’s her choice.

you shouldn’t even be opening the door.

Greywarden · 28/05/2025 18:15

You're being ridiculously unreasonable.

Brickiscool · 28/05/2025 18:19

What a really really strange thing to be worried about.

toomuchfaff · 28/05/2025 18:20

Stop going in her room for a start, even though you think its "because I'm being nice" - its not doing you any good, leave her to her room, youve not decorated it so you're not impacted by her.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 28/05/2025 18:21

Leave it 😄, it's absolutely not worth giving mental space to

Agree with making every effort to learn their language

Starlight7080 · 28/05/2025 18:21

It sounds very normal for a creative young person. You will just make her feel unwelcome if you mention it.
And you say she can decorate. But I suspect it will only be to your taste or standard.
I also feel sorry for your dc who are not aloud to be creative and have freedom in their own bedrooms. How stifling you sound

DancingDucks · 28/05/2025 18:22

Eriani · 28/05/2025 17:44

DSD is 20, she’s just finishing her second year of uni. She’s living with us and isn’t from the UK (neither is DH). I’ve really struggled to bond with her, she talks to DH in her native language and puts little effort into joining the family as a whole. DH has made it clear I shouldn’t force her.

DSD has a pretty small room, though not a box room, it’s outdated and we told her we’d redecorate it for her. She said she likes that the paint is a little faded and the wall paper is “old fashioned”, we’ve offered new furniture, to carpet it (just floor boards right now, band sanded and varnished). She keeps saying it’s fine as it is, but we did get her a rug and a taller bookshelf.

She has taken up a habit of sticking stuff to the walls, a poster she got from a tourist shop for free that’s a bit tatty, a random vintage tennis racket etc. That’s fine though. My actual issue is one wall is so random, I know it’s not my room, but she has sticky notes with random quotes from books, pages from books ripped out, a letter from her boyfriend etc. Tbh it’s an eyesore and very random and all tapped up with cello tape.

DH thinks it’s fine, she hasn’t asked us to redecorate and it’s how she wants it. I’m almost never in there so it doesn’t impact me, but I do go in and hoover and change her bedding occasionally (she does her own most of the time but sometimes to be nice I do it). Also my kids have recently had their rooms redone so I would never let them do this, I also think it’s quite childish for someone in their 20s.

AIBU to hate this and suggest she finds another way to display this stuff? Or should I just let her do as she wishes?

I don't understand this at all. It's her room, providing she's not causing any structural damage, leave her be.

DD's room is covered in posters of Metallica and Megadeath and I can't exactly say that I love it, but it's her room.

I'd have been really upset if my mum and dad hadn't let me put my Adam and the Ants posters on my walls!

363838dhdi · 28/05/2025 18:24

I'd let her do it. It sounds like it has pretty minimal impact on you, and it's not like she's damaging new paper or paintwork. For how small an issue it is I really wouldn't create bad feeling over it when your relationship already isn't brilliant.

AnnaBalfour · 28/05/2025 18:24

YABVVVVU and unpleasant.

lightslittle · 28/05/2025 18:26

I was hoping the post would get better, or there’d be a really issue at hand. Or that you just didn’t want the walls being marked…but to try dictate how stuff should be stuck on the walls is bizarre and shows a deeper issue with the relationship

RawBloomers · 28/05/2025 18:27

You want to criticise the way she decorates her bedroom because it's not to your taste? It's no wonder you've found it hard to bond.

Moveoverdarlin · 28/05/2025 18:27

If it had been decorated it would piss me off, but as you describe it as outdated, old fashioned and a bit faded it doesn’t matter does it?

outerspacepotato · 28/05/2025 18:30

It's really obvious you don't like your stepdaughter.

Let her decorate her room how she wants. It sounds very individualized to her preferences with things that mean something to her and not childish at all.

And forget carpets, they're just allergen dumps.

Are you trying to drive her out? It almost sounds like it.

Maybe you should start learning their language.

RedBeech · 28/05/2025 18:30

Work out why it bothers you. She is expressing herself. You might have a case if you'd spent time and money redecorating and she was ruining new wallpaper or paint, but she has said she likes the old decor.

I think it's interesting that she puts up quotes etc. Maybe read some of them and engage her in chat about why they resonate for her. Don't care more about old wallpaper than making her feel at home. You could offer to buy her a nice cork-board or white board or to paint a panel with blackboard chalk, if she'd like to organise her ideas in that way. But only offer, don't make out that what she is doing annoys you. It so doesn't matter in the long term. But you and her getting along well does matter.

lostinthesunshine · 28/05/2025 18:31

Good god, she’s a 20 year old adult. It’s her room. Leave her alone!

It would be different if she were damaging it or causing hygiene issues, but this is literally just about personal taste. Leave her be.