To hate DSD sticking stuff to her walls

[Eriani]

DSD is 20, she’s just finishing her second year of uni. She’s living with us and isn’t from the UK (neither is DH). I’ve really struggled to bond with her, she talks to DH in her native language and puts little effort into joining the family as a whole. DH has made it clear I shouldn’t force her.

DSD has a pretty small room, though not a box room, it’s outdated and we told her we’d redecorate it for her. She said she likes that the paint is a little faded and the wall paper is “old fashioned”, we’ve offered new furniture, to carpet it (just floor boards right now, band sanded and varnished). She keeps saying it’s fine as it is, but we did get her a rug and a taller bookshelf.

She has taken up a habit of sticking stuff to the walls, a poster she got from a tourist shop for free that’s a bit tatty, a random vintage tennis racket etc. That’s fine though. My actual issue is one wall is so random, I know it’s not my room, but she has sticky notes with random quotes from books, pages from books ripped out, a letter from her boyfriend etc. Tbh it’s an eyesore and very random and all tapped up with cello tape.

DH thinks it’s fine, she hasn’t asked us to redecorate and it’s how she wants it. I’m almost never in there so it doesn’t impact me, but I do go in and hoover and change her bedding occasionally (she does her own most of the time but sometimes to be nice I do it). Also my kids have recently had their rooms redone so I would never let them do this, I also think it’s quite childish for someone in their 20s.

AIBU to hate this and suggest she finds another way to display this stuff? Or should I just let her do as she wishes?

You sound utterly miserable.

I hope this is a wind-up

OP this seems like such an obvious thing you should keep out of I have to wonder what's really going on here. Do you know? Do you wonder why it bothers you so much what a young woman you don't yet know that well puts on her bedroom wall?

As others have said - if you were concerned that she was damaging the walls and it would cost you money down the line, that would be one thing. But you have said you're happy to redecorate so that clearly isn't the issue.

Are you, perhaps, subconsciously looking for a way to make her feel your power? So she knows it's your house?

Or is this something where you think you have a great eye and you could bond with her by giving her tips on how to make it look great and then she'll like you more?

Are you feeling a loss of control having her move in and this is a way to try and reassert it? Or a concern that your own kids will try and copy and, since their rooms have been redecorated, that will cause damage?

I think trying to work out why this bothers you so much would be a good idea. It may help you with your relationship with your DSD.

Not a hill I would die on to be honest.

Ofcourse I’ve read and translated them, to be honest I find it quite depressing, things like
“Just keep going, no feeling is final” “Very early in my life, it was too late” “live to the point of tears” (these are the only 3 that I translated and have actually remembered). I’ve asked about them and why they are significant, she just says they are and that’s that.

Oh OP. She is happy with old wallpaper and paint. So what if she has post it notes on the old paint and wallpaper?

It sounds like you resent her and want to punish her by imposing rules on her.

Please just let her be.

she talks to DH in her native language and puts little effort into joining the family as a whole. DH has made it clear I shouldn’t force her.

How could you force her to join in?

Does she speak fluent English? Of course she wants to speak to her father in her mother tongue. She should maybe talk to him in English if you are in the room.

Please don't prevent her from speaking to her own father in their language.

What on earth are you saying. Why are you being so controlling, they mean something to her and that should be enough.

You'd have point if she wants Sticking up voodoo dolls of you. But as it is, you sound a bit crazy.

You go in there to “change bedding” and “hoover” to be nice

but you’re trying to tell an adult what to do and how to live?

you’re not ‘being nice’ at all. Let her hoover her own room, change her own sheets and leave her and her room in peace

I think you are being totally unreasonable. I also think you are invading her privacy as a young woman. I would feel really uncomfortable with you going in, translating my private notes, questikning me. I think youbare out of order here actually.
I also think her bits and pieces sound sweet and obviously hold a lot of meaning for her.
If you give someone a space to live in your house, they should be comfortable to make it their own. As long as its not a health hazard!!

So what if you think it’s an eyesore? It’s her room, so it’s up to her.

There is no way what you've expressed here is acceptable from a stepmother, or unacceptable from a stepdaughter.

I suspect she speaks to her dad in her mother tongue in order to ensure you don't encroach any further into her life. Snooping around her room and passing judgement on her choice of interior decor is probably enough.

Don’t read and translate them then, you’ve clearly got issues with her so stop going in her room, you’re just looking for shit to nitpick

You don’t sound like you like her very much. Her room sounds fine, and her bits and pieces sound exactly like the sort of stuff my 20 year old niece collects. The quotes sound motivational? What are you hoping to achieve by saying something to her, would you like her to leave?

She is perfectly fluent in English (and studying literature in English so clearly doesn’t struggle). She never speaks in English at home ever. Maybe to my kids but mostly in her native language, I don’t speak it well so it’s hard to communicate and when she does very occasionally speak English to me you can tell very clearly she doesn’t want to!

@Eriani lol when I was in my 20s all the girls uni hall room walls were plastered with random things like old concert stubs, reminders and random magazine pages of beautiful women or aesthetically pleasing adverts even.

It may look alarming to you but I assure you it’s not childish or abnormal.

If it really bothers you and you absolutely must say something then perhaps offer to buy a large wall mounted pin board since that is what she’s essentially using the wall for.

I would not be happy with the sellotape. Ask her to remove and get her some blu tack or nice frames. Otherwise she can put what she wants. I had an obsession with Taylor Lautner at that age. Absolute cringe.

Sounds like a bigger issue than her bedroom wall. It’s her room, she should be able to put whatever she wants up on the wall. Pick your battles.

Jesus alive, leave her alone! It's her space to have how she likes. You don't get to control every ounce of her existence and her father has no problem with it.

As an aside, why to christ have you not learned some of their language?

Those quotes are very telling surely? It suggests an undertone of her finding things quite hard at times. If putting affirmations and things on the walls help her, that’s a good thing. It’s a bit like journaling, good for mindfulness.
You don’t sound like you like her…

Why does the sellotape matter when it's old wallpaper that needs replacing anyway?

It's her room, she's making it her own personal space so just let her do it.

Leave her be.

It is a bit much to not be best pleased with sellotape on the wall when it has bare floorboards. Op describes the room as a dump. A dump she deems still too good for her stepdaughter.