To hate DSD sticking stuff to her walls

[Eriani]

DSD is 20, she’s just finishing her second year of uni. She’s living with us and isn’t from the UK (neither is DH). I’ve really struggled to bond with her, she talks to DH in her native language and puts little effort into joining the family as a whole. DH has made it clear I shouldn’t force her.

DSD has a pretty small room, though not a box room, it’s outdated and we told her we’d redecorate it for her. She said she likes that the paint is a little faded and the wall paper is “old fashioned”, we’ve offered new furniture, to carpet it (just floor boards right now, band sanded and varnished). She keeps saying it’s fine as it is, but we did get her a rug and a taller bookshelf.

She has taken up a habit of sticking stuff to the walls, a poster she got from a tourist shop for free that’s a bit tatty, a random vintage tennis racket etc. That’s fine though. My actual issue is one wall is so random, I know it’s not my room, but she has sticky notes with random quotes from books, pages from books ripped out, a letter from her boyfriend etc. Tbh it’s an eyesore and very random and all tapped up with cello tape.

DH thinks it’s fine, she hasn’t asked us to redecorate and it’s how she wants it. I’m almost never in there so it doesn’t impact me, but I do go in and hoover and change her bedding occasionally (she does her own most of the time but sometimes to be nice I do it). Also my kids have recently had their rooms redone so I would never let them do this, I also think it’s quite childish for someone in their 20s.

AIBU to hate this and suggest she finds another way to display this stuff? Or should I just let her do as she wishes?

You clearly resent his daughter. Look to yourself, not her.

She’s 20 years old fgs not a child. And scrappy posters and post it notes stuck to walls is awful. There are lots of different ways to express yourself than sticking crap to the walls.

yabu

Yeah, she could be trying to be an influencer on Instagram or Tiktok! That would be so much better.

Being fluent in multiple languages is quite common in many parts of Europe.

I think YABVU about your step-daughter's room. She's an adult living in a tiny room in someone else's house. She is trying to make it home and to make herself feel better about living there. Do you not remember being young and needing to see the things that mattered to you, whether it's award certificates, posters, photographs or meaningful quotes? Many adults still do things like this, albeit they may put things in frames or use notice boards or keep quotes/post its in a notebook or album - probably because they feel forced into being 'grown up' about it.

What does it matter that the room looks tatty to you? The wallpaper/paint is old, so it's not like she's causing damage or making more work for you. Leave her to it and try to make her feel more welcome.

As someone who did this to their 9 year olds bedroom wall just yesterday with a disgustingly sticky Temu sticker.....yabu. Although my OH is firmly in your court!

YABVU. DSD's bedroom sounds totally normal for a student, you are letting your discomfort with your relationship with your DSD colour your feelings about how she chooses to decorate her bedroom. Let her get on with it and focus on improving your relationship with her, rather than "improving" her decor.

Yabvu she is v low maintenance and you are being silly. Let her be.

I thought this too. I feel like the speaking in her own language and keeping herself to herself is perhaps mirroring the treatment she gets herself. OP asked her about the quotes and stuff and why she needs them - that comes across as judgy to her face.

I want that and I'm nearly 60!

Seconded.

Would you prefer “live laugh love”? “Dance like nobody’s watching” instead?

How many years have you been married?

You said you became fluent in German in a year. Why haven't you applied yourself over the years you've been married to learn your husband's language?

You expect your husband and his daughter to switch their normal language of communication because you haven't been bothered to learn their language. That's controlling. So is you bitching about how she has done her room.

How does your husband feel about you bitching about his daughter's room and what language they speak in to each other?

You are completely unreasonable, controlling and unwelcoming. My student daughter uses an attic room as a den to hang out with friends in. It is plastered with posters, postcards and photographs. She’s very proud of it and I love that she’s created a space that’s meaningful to her. It’s completely normal.

I'm going to sit very heavily here in my faux psychologist's armchair and ask if you are feeling jealous? In that the scrapbook wall could be seen as an expression of her inner world, as well as a rejection of something you felt would be caring towards her (redecorating), and her speaking another language? So you don't have access to her inner world and feel left out, and the wall reminds you of this?

"I'm jealous my husband is giving his daughter that he hasn't seen regularly since her birth a lot of attention that would usually be on me, so im going to treat her like a complete See You Next Tuesday" vibes from the last few updates.

Christ, you're a judgey one aren't you?!

My walls were covered with tat at that age - typical student room.

You're in there for a couple of minutes while you hoover so I think you may just be able to get the fuck over it.

It is not childish at all, if you were to go into any uni halls of residence you'll find posters, quotes and other random tat on the walls. They literally install cork walls in the rooms for this reason. The room is due redecoration so what harm is she doing?

As for speaking in her native tongue with your DH, she is speaking and writing in a language that isn't her own all day, let her decompress and talk to her father in a way that is natural to her. Why have you not learned any if their language?

soo controlling ou've removed the option for anyone to vote and express their opinion.

"“Just keep going, no feeling is final” “Very early in my life, it was too late” “live to the point of tears” (these are the only 3 that I translated and have actually remembered). I’ve asked about them and why they are significant, she just says they are and that’s that."

Maybe she doesn't want to explain the meaning, or can't believe you've not worked it out?
“Just keep going, no feeling is final”
I've only got to live with this judgy cow for a finite amount of time
“Very early in my life, it was too late”
I wish my DF had been around when I was young
“live to the point of tears”
Judgy cow is driving me insane, I want to cry but I'll put up with it.

No wonder why she can't be bothered with you.

Stop going in her room at all, it's invasive. She's an adult for Christ sake, stop changing her sheets, it's not nice it's just weird.

You need to let her got on with it. If the sellotape is the issue buy her some really good quality washi tapes - they’re sort of like thin pretty masking tape. I think MT is the good brand. Tread carefully, don’t tell her she has to use them, but they’re a gift she can use if she wants.

does she want you changing her bedding? I don’t think I’d want someone changing my bedding at that age. Maybe check with her, if you haven’t already.

She sounds like a low maintenance, helpful young woman. Why are you complaining so much?

Perhaps apply your language skills to learning a bit more than casual French - you might like to speak to your husband's family at some point.

This is just crazy. She's 20. She's at university. She's a young adult. And it's her room, her private space - why on earth would you think it reasonable to criticise the posters and quotations she chooses to put on her wall? It's absolutely none of your business.