To hate DSD sticking stuff to her walls

[Eriani]

DSD is 20, she’s just finishing her second year of uni. She’s living with us and isn’t from the UK (neither is DH). I’ve really struggled to bond with her, she talks to DH in her native language and puts little effort into joining the family as a whole. DH has made it clear I shouldn’t force her.

DSD has a pretty small room, though not a box room, it’s outdated and we told her we’d redecorate it for her. She said she likes that the paint is a little faded and the wall paper is “old fashioned”, we’ve offered new furniture, to carpet it (just floor boards right now, band sanded and varnished). She keeps saying it’s fine as it is, but we did get her a rug and a taller bookshelf.

She has taken up a habit of sticking stuff to the walls, a poster she got from a tourist shop for free that’s a bit tatty, a random vintage tennis racket etc. That’s fine though. My actual issue is one wall is so random, I know it’s not my room, but she has sticky notes with random quotes from books, pages from books ripped out, a letter from her boyfriend etc. Tbh it’s an eyesore and very random and all tapped up with cello tape.

DH thinks it’s fine, she hasn’t asked us to redecorate and it’s how she wants it. I’m almost never in there so it doesn’t impact me, but I do go in and hoover and change her bedding occasionally (she does her own most of the time but sometimes to be nice I do it). Also my kids have recently had their rooms redone so I would never let them do this, I also think it’s quite childish for someone in their 20s.

AIBU to hate this and suggest she finds another way to display this stuff? Or should I just let her do as she wishes?

First of all, just don’t go into her room if it bothers you. Second of all, your DSD sounds great, I love it when someone’s space is a little slice of them rather than a picture from a magazine. Those quotes are all from books/poetry I think, I’m sure the first one is Rilke and the last is Camus. Google says the second is Marguerite Duras so she’s incredibly well read for her age!

Is your house mainly grey velvet and silver fittings, OP?

She is excluding you and making you feel uncomfortable in your own house. She wouldn’t like it if you were having conversations around her that she couldn’t understand

She sounds a lot cleverer and thoughtful than you OP, maybe you resent that?

Her room sounds fine and not an issue to get worked up over.

Always speaking together in a language you don’t understand and thus excluding you from conversation however is rude. You need to speak to your DH about this and establish some agreement around when it is appropriate to be speaking in their native language and when effort should be made to use the language you all share.

Well I don't blame her. Your dislike for her is so obvious even in writing that she has surely picked up on it and avoids talking to you.

YANBU. Why should she adhere to what you consider is right. She is entitled to be herself she has the room how she likes it

just leave her be

It’s not your bedroom so just simply back off. Frankly I don’t think you should even be changing the bedding unsolicited, it kinda sounds like you just go in to have a little snoop.

Not everyone likes/wants carpets. I personally had never seen them since the 80s, they’re seen as old fashioned and really outdated in my country (plus a pain to keep clean).

Unless her decorations ruin something you want to preserve (but it doesn’t sound like you do), then just ignore it.

This really isn't about her walks at all. Because that's ridiculous . Something else is clearly bothering you about your relationship with her.

Not a hill to die on.
You can always redecorate once she's over this phase.
DH was never allowed to stick stuff on his walls. He's still annoyed about it 🤣.

I went through a phase of existentialism in my twenties. Lots of thoughtful people do. Your stepdaughter is clearly cleverer than you, and you don't like that.

You are the problem here, not her.

It sounds fine, I can't understand why it bothers you.

If I moved abroad I absolutely wouldn't speak anything but English at home to my family. Have you ever lived abroad before? Having to speak in another language all the time is stressful and speaking your own language brings its own kind of comfort. How dare you expect her to constantly work in another language so you can listen to her conversation which you aren't even a part of.

Same with going in her room. It's not nice. It's rude. Stay out, she probably doesn't want to tell you to stop coming in, give her some privacy. Don't translate and question the paper on the walls. Poor girl. Just leave her alone.

Yanbu. It’s my pet hate as it pulls the paint off.

Oh noes! The paint! So much more important than SD being settled and comfortable to the point where she can express herself by sticking stuff up!

I love (and always have loved) a depressing quote.

Her walls sound lovely and you absolutely must not criticise her decorative choice or insist she changes anything.

Your DC speak her native language? How does she get on with them? It does sound like she could integrate a little more but I'm assuming she's new in the family home and she may be taking her time to feel comfortable?

She hasn't lived with you all before and she's probably feeling a bit isolated. Let her do her thing, continue to be warm and welcoming and absolutely do not moan about her walls.

She is not excluding her anymore than the OP is excluding her by speaking in English.

Just because the OP's not clever enough to be bilingual doesn't mean dsd can never shut off so the OP can feel included in a conversation she's not a part of. Op is welcome to improve her language skills!

What paint. It's tatty wallpaper that the OP didn't bother to sort before she moved in, if she actually cared about it.

The step daughter can also speak in English and in their home they should all be speaking English. The father shouldn’t be condoning this

@Tangerinenets it needs redecorating and the wallpaper is already coming off. I think it sounds fab, I just had boring posters on my wall at that age.

It’s her space. As long as she isn’t leaving plates etc in her room. Leave it be. She tidies it and changes her bedding, so all is fine.

You sound very controlling @Eriani

I bet you are a person who has to decorate the Christmas tree just so and not let the DC put all their tat in random places on it.

Are there spaces for your DC to put pictures etc up in their rooms, to express their individuality?

I’ve mentioned the language thing to DH, he doesn’t think it’s fair to dictate what language she speaks in at home, she’s trilingual, she and DH always speak French, her phone/personal reading etc. is in another language and she studies in English.
He says it’s very stressful to have to suddenly speak your 2nd or 3rd language all the time so if speaking French is her preference that’s what she will do.

I speak a little French so we can small talk, but nothing else.

It’s probably her only chance to speak her own language @ThatDenimExpert Doesn’t sound like OP would be interested in what DSD had to say anyway. DH Coukd always lead the way with what language is spoken

@Eriani how long have you been with DH? Maybe you could use this opportunity to expand your knowledge of French language. Your DSD can speak 3 languages, why don’t you try and speak a second one.

I assume she has always spoken to DH in French. Does her mum speak another language?

No she should not. Do you speak multiple languages? Your home language is for home, she'll never feel comfortable speaking a second language all the time and it's tiring and unfair. W

OP this is all about you, not her. You resent her. Own it.