My children’s unequal futures

[Fetafettish]

Dd and ds are mid 20’s. They’ve both worked hard and doing well in their chosen fields. Dd is about to get engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years who, as an only child will inherit a multi million empire, unfortunately sooner rather than later.

Ds’s partner is on minimum wage and they will realistically never own their own home without help.

My mother was talking to me about her will- she is well aware I want her to spend every penny that doesn’t go on care. My brother needs money desperately whereas I don’t, so I have told her to leave everything to him, but am now thinking I should tell her to leave at least some of my share to my ds, her grandson?

I realise my dd may one day get divorced and no one has a crystal ball, but AIBU to try and even things out? It really upsets me that despite both working so hard, they’re going to have totally different lives.

Your children choose their own paths, partners for richer or poorer. It’s up to them and it’s not for you to intervene and try to equalize. Nor is it for you to try and determine how your mother leaves her assets.

You do not know what the future holds for either of them. Please don’t interfere. Meddling will create rifts, resentment, comparison and misunderstanding.

Op didn’t get the answer she was seeking. She will justify her decision for golden balls to inherit, and she will no doubt remind her dd about the superficiality of money without pausing to consider the enormous damage this will do in the medium term. She has not considered her poor dd even once in this thread, and how this will feel to her. Choosing to ignore the obvious pain she will cause.

So brazenly displaying her favouritism even in the glowing terms of ds’ wonderful job and education. Truly disgusting.

There are too many uncertainties in your scenario. I would ask your DM to make a will splitting everything equally between you and your DB, on the understanding that when she dies, in light of the situation at that time, you will have the option to write a deed of variation redistributing your half where it is needed.

Then you can put off worrying about it until the situation arises.

Op shit happens in life. Anything could happen. The wedding could fall though. Your Mum should split equally between you and brother.
And in time you should split equally between your kids.

Even where people don't need the money unequal splits can cause resentment.
I know a family where the sibling who did all the running around, sorting care homes, etc etc was deemed not to need anything in favour of the sibling who'd made duff choices and lived further away.
15 years later and the relationship is still very strained.

Why is it? My eldest son lives in my mother’s home with her, and he would have no where to live when she dies, and cannot afford to buy on his single salary. He would also have to care for my mums large dogs, who couldn’t live in a flat. I could do with that inheritance myself as I don’t own my own home yet but I want all 3 of my DC to have their own homes. So I should take the inheritance for myself and leave my DS1 to struggle for somewhere to live, because DS1 and DD are fortunate enough to inherit from dad’s side. It’s funny how the world of mumsnet works as everyone i’ve spoken to in the real world thinks it’s a nice thing to do, not horrid. This is one odd place where looking out for your child is classed as horrid.

Honestly? I think your mother and you should both leave your assets equally to your offspring. That way you can decide whether to help your brother and your son during your life, but when you die there are no hard feelings.

You are meddling and being too controlling. You have no idea what the future holds for either generation certainly in terms of anyone’s health, accidents etc and need to massively back off.

No one in my family is focussing on marrying money. My dd was with her partner for three years before he sat her down and explained his situation. Sorry to disappoint. My son intends to work extremely hard.. both my children, as I’ve stated, worked hard and have now good careers. Junior doctors don't earn well (not that my ds is one), but would you lot call that worthwhile because it’s not as highly paid as an investment banker?

My Dad is/was a lawyer. A corporate lawyer but he did a lot of wills and estates for friends/families/employees etc pro bono. He always says that even families of whom you would never expect it can fall out over money. Not because they are greedy but things can happen: someone can need medical care, one of the kids needs a special school, someone else’s partner can be difficult etc etc. Based on his experience he was always determined to split his assets totally equally between his children.

Does he have to settle for a GF with low aspiration?

Do you suggest he breaks up with her even if they love each other and she is a good person?

I would ask your mum to treat your kids equally. I don't think money equates to love but I'd be hurt if my nan left my brothers something and left me nothing.

Not to be pessimistic but 50% marriages fail. Her partners parents has money but its not the partners money. They could leave it all to the cat home for all you know. She might also jabe to sign a prenup. My kids are only young but I will be instilling in them that they should always have an exit fund. An emergency fund that no one knows about but that they can access if the need to leave a relationship or are in a dangerous situation.

As for your brother, I don't know why he's in a shit situation but I'd be worried about what happens when the money dries up. Maybe your mum needs to consider putting it in a trust so he can't piss through it.

I was asked by my dm for my opinion, but I do agree that I have no idea what the future holds.

No one in my family is focussing on marrying money.

Well you are OP, so much so that you're considering altering your mums will to reflect this!

It's different when it's your choice.

Imagine your daughter stuck in a horrible marriage, then finding out that her brother has inherited some money but she hasn't, because way back when mum decided that it should all go to her brother as his future didn't look as financially comfortable?

Or, her marriage is fine, but she feels as an adult, it would have been nice to have the choice of giving her share to her brother as she didn't need it.

I get why you're thinking this. But it would be a mistake.

If you really don't need the money, get her to leave 50% to your brother and the other 50% between your two children. Or if you're not sure about that, when u do inherit your 50% give a massive chunk to your son, as it'll.be your money to decide what to do with...but you were right about the crystal ball thing, your daughter could potentially end up with naff all if she signs a prenup, or he pisses it all up the wall so just go steady with this,.don't assume she'll be rich her whole life.

How do you know that you two other children will be fine with your one child inheriting from your side while they get nothing from them? It's not their fault they have a different father, they didn't make that choice.

You are also making plans for an inheritance that you don't have yet based on inheritance that they don't have yet. What happens if you ensure DS1 gets his own home and then there's no inheritance for DS2 & DD from their father, because circumstances change?

In an ideal world you could make your children's lives exactly equal, but the world is not ideal and none of this is guaranteed. All you're doing is telling your other children that because of circumstances they can't control, you think their brother deserves 100% of their grandmothers estate.

The money represents something other than money.

I think this would be a different discussion if your daughter was wealthy due to her own career rather than marrying into money. It's the marrying in that makes this an unwise plan.

My brother hasn’t pissed through anything.. he made an unwise business decision years ago. There are so many wild assumptions on this thread.

Dh’s partner unfortunately will be inheriting in the near future. They sat down both him and dd and explained the details of their will.

And also the millionaire family might leave the inheritance to the cats home! They wouldn’t be the first or the last…. Seriously.

Wealthy families never ever leave pots of cash to be hoovered up by outsiders. It will be tied up in all kinds of ways to preserve and keep it within the blood family. Your dd may never see a penny of it,

Very 'traditional' of you OP, all inheritance goes to the son, because a daughter can marry well and be looked after by her husband...

I thought we'd moved on from these sexist ideas.

understood and food for thought, thank you.

It doesn't mean she'll see any of it. They aren't even engaged yet, if they split up or he dies or something (illness, accident etc, not impossible) they may never even marry. They may marry and then split and then where will she be? When there's money like that, there's always a pre-nup and she could end up with nothing.

And how would you feel if you'd ensured your son was set up and your daughter was now struggling?

Or pre nups!