My children’s unequal futures

[Fetafettish]

Dd and ds are mid 20’s. They’ve both worked hard and doing well in their chosen fields. Dd is about to get engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years who, as an only child will inherit a multi million empire, unfortunately sooner rather than later.

Ds’s partner is on minimum wage and they will realistically never own their own home without help.

My mother was talking to me about her will- she is well aware I want her to spend every penny that doesn’t go on care. My brother needs money desperately whereas I don’t, so I have told her to leave everything to him, but am now thinking I should tell her to leave at least some of my share to my ds, her grandson?

I realise my dd may one day get divorced and no one has a crystal ball, but AIBU to try and even things out? It really upsets me that despite both working so hard, they’re going to have totally different lives.

Op it’s an inheritance! Of course it equates love! It is the last legacy their grandmother/parents will ever leave for them.

It is not your job to ‘equalise’ their lives, they are not eight years old and you are dishing out sweets. You need to learn to truly respect their differences including their financial outcomes. You are inadvertently trying to level the playing field, and by doing so you are telling your son he is not good enough and needs help. Think about it.

I also sense your son is very much the favourite here, and your lasting legacy to your children will be to cause division and discord and for all the generations that follow, what a dreadful ‘gift’ to pass to them. Truly toxic.

You need to reflect on why you dislike your daughter so much.

Yes, the attitude of your first paragraph is very evident. It sounds very much like you admire and support your son's choices on an ideological level and want to insulate him from the attendant consequences of this 'noble' choice.

I won't go so far as to say you seem to have a very different attitude towards your daughter and her choices because you haven't entirely spelled that out, but I do wonder what story your daughter would tell the posters here, if asked. I fear there is a touch of your son being the 'Golden Child' here...

Dh’s mum is quite well off. Dh’s sister is well off, her and her dh retired in their 40s on bigger pensions than our wages. They live in a massive six bed detached house, have multiple rental properties.

me and dh live in a 3 bed semi and while we are ok we will be working till state pension age.

id expect my mil to leave stuff equally between dh and his sister. It wouldn’t feel right for his sister to be disinherited. Never crossed my mind that some people may do this.

Did you tell your daughter when she was still at school that if she chose a low paid passion career it would eventually be subsidised by inheritance?

divide equally regardless of what future you think they'll have. Too manipulative.

YABU and if I was your daughters partner and got wind of this I'd be rethinking the whole marriage side of things. His future mother-in-law basing her mothers, hers and her sons finances on HIS parents money (that they haven't even left yet) is beyond distasteful.

OP you are ignoring many many responses. I feel very sorry for your daughter. If you go through with encouraging her to be disinherited then you should be ashamed of yourself.

Inheritances received before marriage are not matrimonial assets - she has no claim on her boyfriend’s family inheritance, especially given that no one has died yet. You have no idea what the future will bring and I think it’s pretty disgusting that you are effectively encouraging her to be dependent on a man.

I am in this exact position. I’ve married a man set to inherit many millions.

When my mum came to write her will she split everything 50/50 between myself & my sibling. This was at my siblings behest as she was going to leave it all to them & nothing for me.

I would have been angry that my Mum would have made assumptions about my future. She herself was divorced and left destitute.

When the time comes I will give all of my inheritance to my sibling, assuming I’m still with my husband and don’t need it. I’d also happily help her out financially in other ways.

Would your DD be there for your DS in that way? Maybe DS will become a millionaire of his own back? My FIL become a millionaire in his 60s. Maybe DS will marry a millionaire himself.

Unless you are so wealthy your children will never want for anything, you are being unbelievably self-centred (not selfish - different thing) telling your mother to leave everything to your brother.

If she chooses to do that you can't do anything about it. But instructing her to? For fuck's sake think about your children.

Your poor dd is going to need her money for the years of therapy down the track for having a mother like you op. You seem adamant that your inequality is acceptable - it really is not. You will ruin your family if you continue with this ill considered plan.

Your son’s ‘noble’ job was his choice. So are the financial differences between them. Your son might go to do incredible things - why don’t you believe he is capable of managing his own future and prospects? Read back your posts. The jaundiced way you refer to your dd makes me wonder if you are envious of her.

You keep saying this:

not to equate money with love.

It's not the money. It's the message that comes with the money.

For your daughter, it would be "you chose to marry a rich man so you don't deserve what your brother got". Or "I have more respect for your brother's choices" (which came across in one of your posts talking about following passions).

For me, with how my parents do things, it's "you chose to work your arse off to have the lifestyle you want, your sister decided to work in a shop so we think she should get more". I didn't follow a passion because all my passions come with very little income and I also wanted to independent and be able to provide for my family. In your world, that demands less respect because I chose a career I am very good at but is not a passion.

Just give your children the same message as one another. That they're both worth the same to you and you respect both their choices in life.

My DH also regularly says that my sister is being taught she can't support herself, because by being told she needs the help constantly, she's come to believe it. Don't do your son that disservice while telling your daughter with your actions she deserves less from her family.

I have 3 DC that will have different financial futures. My eldest was born when I was 16, and his father has never been in his life.

DS2 and DD have a father in their life (my ex) who is very much making plans for them to have a sizeable house deposit in future. None need to take a student loan. Their grandmother on their dad’s side isn’t exactly rich, but she owns a house in North London that is in a terrible state, but worth well over 1 million. She also sold land overseas, so when she dies (definitely will not be care home fees as it’s not done in their culture, someone will end up caring for her, maybe some in home care at a push) ex DP is planning to pass his inheritance straight to DS2 and DD to help them with cost of buying in London. I mean they may already have a home by then, his mother isn’t that old but isn’t in great health.

When my mum dies, assuming no care home (could well be) then I am planning to give my share to DS1 for housing. DS2 and DD will totally understand, and I’d like to suggest DS1 leaves his home to his siblings in his will (assuming no spouse / DC) to even things up. Even if he doesn’t, I know they will be fine about it as they will be more than taken care of and they know it doesn’t mean I love DS1 anymore, just they’ve been fortunate to not have to worry about money as much due to their dad. I will make sure they have some money from my mum’s estate as she’s made it clear she wants her 6 GC to have something, but it will be far from even on my side.

Who need enemies with a maman like thus.

Like I've said many times, it's not the money, is it. It's the message that comes with it. That we are less deserving of support, be it financial or practical or emotional, because we've done different things.

Regardless of my adult sons personal circumstances our will be divided equally between them. I would never favour one over the other, that just seems unfair to me.

You made an assumption that her boyfriend’s family have a business.. and I disagree with you. Money IS just about cash, not hierarchy. My db may have no money but he’s every bit as important in the family.

Hmmm, still very defensive OP.

You wrote this: Dd is about to get engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years who, as an only child will inherit a multi million empire,

Whether or not it's a business is beside the point. And yes, you ARE planning to advise your mother to disinherit your daughter. You wrote this:

My brother needs money desperately whereas I don’t, so I have told her to leave everything to him, but am now thinking I should tell her to leave at least some of my share to my ds, her grandson?

So you are planning to advise your mother to leave money to her son and grandson, but omit her granddaughter. That's disinheritance, as far as I can see. And you are speaking for her in a way that allows you to claim the moral high ground at no cost.

Those of us talking about the symbolic value of money/wills/estates in families are NOT equating money with love. That's a crude and crass assumption. But I've seen enough of money in families (if you're born into money, one does see these things differently, perhaps) to know that, as a PP said really wisely above, a parent's will is their last act of care for their descendants. It doesn't matter whether that will is about £1000 or several millions of pounds or the dog. It's what that symbolises about position in the family, recognition, care.

I can't help wondering whether there's some guilt here or something? Your motivations & thinking are quite odd. You seem unconsciously patriarchal: you don't need the money (you married money?) and your daughter doesn't "need" the money as she's "marrying well", but the two men in your mother's life - son and grandson, do? Because, of course, Heaven forfend that the women in your family are richer than the men ...

And you won't disclose why your brother can't provide for himself, to the extent that he needs ALL his mother's estate.

Horrid

IMO you shouldn’t be suggesting your mum leaves it all to your brother.

you should take your share and then do as you wish with it.

But if that wish is support your children that should be equal too.

it would help your DS get in the property ladder and your DD can so what she feel fit with hers.

@Fetafettish she should leave it all to your brother then after reading your posts. That is what she wanted to do with it after all.

Sounds like you favour your son and value his choices more then your daughter's

The engagement or marriage could fall apart, leaving your dd with no security. It's your mum's choice obviously, but the fairest option is to provide evenly for all the children. I wouldn't discourage her from this

This

Its depressing somewhat, but you've given them the same opportunities and they have made different choices, your DS has obviously accepted his partners lower ambitions/poorer prospects. Its his life to live.

You’ve also not factored in your son’s ability to ‘marry well’ he’s legally single just like your daughter. Just starting out in career. Assuming current gf is from school or uni lots of young couples grow apart. He could be married to someone with a highly paid career or inheritance before your dd marries.

Also op? If you constantly try and even people up they stop taking account of the consequences of their decisions.

Your DS has made a choice to accept a partner earning little. Its not up to you to "even that out".

Is there any reason your son can't work hard to develop his own career and earn well in his own right? Instead of focussing on who's marrying money encourage them to earn their own.

Nope.

actually (when I had it) he didn’t access mine.