My children’s unequal futures

[Fetafettish]

Dd and ds are mid 20’s. They’ve both worked hard and doing well in their chosen fields. Dd is about to get engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years who, as an only child will inherit a multi million empire, unfortunately sooner rather than later.

Ds’s partner is on minimum wage and they will realistically never own their own home without help.

My mother was talking to me about her will- she is well aware I want her to spend every penny that doesn’t go on care. My brother needs money desperately whereas I don’t, so I have told her to leave everything to him, but am now thinking I should tell her to leave at least some of my share to my ds, her grandson?

I realise my dd may one day get divorced and no one has a crystal ball, but AIBU to try and even things out? It really upsets me that despite both working so hard, they’re going to have totally different lives.

By doing this you have to accept that you may ruin the relationship between your children. People focus on the money and come up with convoluted ways to make it fair, but the best legacy you can leave is a strong relationship of family left behind. Divide all equally. It shouldn’t be means tested.

@Fetafettish sons and daughters in the same family all start off on the same level playing field!!! life should not ever change that! having been left out except for 10k and my older sis getting everything else and the house, I know better than most how unloved I felt!! my sister and I never spoke again!!

My brother hasn’t pissed through anything.. he made an unwise business decision years ago.

You really have a pattern of supporting "unwise business decisions" in your family @Fetafettish, don't you?

"Years ago" - so presumably he hasn't managed to get back on his feet like anyone else. The men in your family are not expected to bear the consequence of their adult decisions, are they?

You admire your DS more than your DD, and want to reward him for taking on work that is following a passion but will leave him unable to support himself (and any family he has) by owning the roof over their heads.

You accuse others of equating money with love, but it seems to me that that's exactly what you are doing. Except the other way around. You're showing your love through money.

I just find this baffling.

Because i’ve had that conversation with them and they are both lovely kids who don’t want to see their brother struggle for housing. Of course this scenario is based on anyone getting an inheritance. Even without one, DS2 and DD will get help for a deposit as their dad has been saving for this for many years.

I am not disinheriting my younger two from my own will, and if I wanted to balance things out I could do it when I die as i’ll be buying my own home soon and will have a sizeable pension. But I know for a fact that my younger children don’t equate my love for them based on inheritances and respect that as a mother, I want to see all my DC housed. None of them are money orientated and i’d be quite disappointed if one of them said I shouldn’t let DS1 have my share and continue to live in his home because they wanted the same. They just aren’t like that at all and have both agreed that I should do it IF the time comes and there is any inheritance at all.

Well my mother wouldn’t alter her will immediately, she just wanted my opinion. There’s time to see how things pan out.

@Fetafettish why should other siblings be penalised for one sibling's financial stupidity??

I’m happy to be penalised. My db made an error of judgement. It is what it is, he isn’t lazy he works his arse off.

So unless your ds wins the lottery it looks very likely you will proceed with this plan.

If money is irrelevant why would you choose to blow up your children’s relationship, and potentially cause significant harm to consequent generations?

Money is symbolic when it is part of an inheritance as you well know.

Your poor dd
Your ds will receive a poisoned chalice.

It’s up to your Mother but I understand your thinking.

I have 2 DC , both by different dads and I’m not with either dad. Eldest is autistic and will likely not earn a lot , his had is a lot older than me will likely pass before me and whilst son is younger due to his age now and has no savings , doesn’t own a home and doesn’t have a high income.He is youngest of 8 from dad . Heis 18 and dad no longer contributes financially. Youngests dad has a good income, nan due to come into a lot of money . DC is only child and grandchild so will be looked after. I always think if I have money to leave/ set them up - would I do it equally or be practical about it

Are you bored this evening Parma? Where do I say I admire my ds more that my dd? To the contrary, I have said they’ve both worked hard and are in careers they love. Your last paragraph is so absurd I can’t even be bothered to answer.

You've got your daughter whole life to work it out, have you?

Just treat your kids equally and stop trying to "even" things out between them when you don't know what the future holds for either of them.

Ten years time, will DS and his partner still be together? Will they win the lottery? Will DD and her partner have gotten married and be happy or split? Might DS have met an heiress and be set to inherit twice what your DD is? What if DD and/or her husband fall ill? End up widowed or unable to work? Someone scams or plots against her future husband and he loses access to his inherited money?

So many possibilities for things to change for them. You can't predict it, don't try.

Again, this is your decision for you to go without. It's not the decision of your DD for her to get nothing while her brother does, you would be the one choosing to penalise her for her brother's financial choices.

You very much come across like you favour your son OP, it would be wise to take note of that, rather than get defensive.

Very much so.

Lots of your posts suggest you favour your son. Whether that's intentional or not, it's how it comes across. You might want to think about it, in case it comes across in real life.

Honestly, unless it’s extreme circumstances such as one child with needs that mean they’ll need paid for care for the rest of their lives I just think siblings should be treated equally in wills.

My mum told me a few years ago that she was thinking of leaving most of her estate to my brother - he and his wife work in meaningful but extremely low paid jobs and have very little. They are both bright and well educated, and this was absolutely a choice that they made. I too work in a low paid but worthwhile job, but DH has always earned well. A few months after she told me this, Covid hit, and all of a sudden DH’s well paid secure career went down the toilet. I think it hit my mum then that you never know what it round the corner and she decided she should leave everything equally as she’d been planning to before. In addition, like your daughter, I only have money and a comfortable life because of dh. I don’t earn that money, he does. Of course it is shared, but if we split up then what? There are no guarantees in life.

Shocked at so many of these replied even for MN.

Theres nothing wrong with wanting the best for both your children and it is sad when they both work hard but one will likely never make as much money or be as comfortable.

I would suggest your mother splits hers evenly, between you and your brother. You keep your share until life plans work out a bit more and you see if one children needs money. I wouldn’t take anything for granted just yet. And perhaps ensure your daughter always has some or has the equivalent in savings before giving to her brother.

hopefully your DD will realise how fortunate she is.

Because I wouldn’t be blowing up their relationship and I’m baffled as to why this is so hard to understand. My relationship will be anything but blown up if my parents leave everything to him.. it was me that suggested it. When you say money is symbolic it obviously is to you, to some it’s an end to a means.

There comes a point where it isn’t on you to make sure your children are equal. They’re adults that have made their own choices in life, and it isn’t your responsibility to make up for what you perceive him to lack in comparison to his sister.

You may be fine with giving up any claim to inheritance for your brother, but just a cursory look on here will show you that many people don’t share your feelings on this, and favoring your son over your daughter can result in their relationship with one another being destroyed.

You may not intend to, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be the outcome.

Your daughter isn’t you. You being fine with something does not mean that your daughter would be.

This is different.

Two of your kids are guaranteed an inheritance whereas one isn't. And you're just evening it up.

Whereas here- one child may get married and may be financially set but this depends on her partner- one child has decided to work a low paid job and may or may not have been told or indirectly implied their choices (to work a low paid job/ follow their passion/ work part- time/ study until they are in their 50's) would be financially rewarded as they grew up.

I'm baffled as to why you can't see that you choosing to ask your parents to leave everything to your brother is very different to it being done to you.

You saying "please don't leave me anything, DB needs it more" doesn't give you the message that your parents view you differently. However, if you hadn't had this conversation with them, and in 20 years time your situations were flipped, but your brother was left everything and you got nothing, you wouldn't feel good about that.

That's what you're suggesting for your daughter. That at a point in time when she may appreciate some support (because the future isn't set), she'll be told that her brother was more deserving of that support and she gets none.

I agree with this. Also don’t understand “ about to be engaged “ had nobody proposed yet ?

@Fetafettish She gives him money all the time and so do we. so your dear bro is STILL making bad financial decisions??? why are you and your mother enabling this??? that is just stupid!! Is he gambling???

No I wouldn’t.. nothing would be done without dd being happy about it. If there was the slightest sign she wasn’t, it wouldn’t happen.