My children’s unequal futures

[Fetafettish]

Dd and ds are mid 20’s. They’ve both worked hard and doing well in their chosen fields. Dd is about to get engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years who, as an only child will inherit a multi million empire, unfortunately sooner rather than later.

Ds’s partner is on minimum wage and they will realistically never own their own home without help.

My mother was talking to me about her will- she is well aware I want her to spend every penny that doesn’t go on care. My brother needs money desperately whereas I don’t, so I have told her to leave everything to him, but am now thinking I should tell her to leave at least some of my share to my ds, her grandson?

I realise my dd may one day get divorced and no one has a crystal ball, but AIBU to try and even things out? It really upsets me that despite both working so hard, they’re going to have totally different lives.

My parents do help my sister out, but what they do is to do everything for her, including things like organising her insurances (and paying for it), giving her money for a new car and so on. Meanwhile her husband sits at home most of the time, working part time and refusing to spend any money because he'd rather save it.

Then they'll tell me what they've done and say "we thought about asking if you needed anything but we know you don't.

My mum once even said she'd be giving up work to do childcare if my sister had a baby. I have a child, this was never offered and when I (accidentally because I was shocked) said where was that offer for me she said "you can afford childcare".

It's not about the financial support, it's about the fact it's considered we don't need any support because we made "better choices". That feels unfair to me, as much as I don't want to feel like that because we are very self sufficient. The point is it just feels like being punished for earning more money and being more "capable".

Speak for yourself I suppose?

Whatever she leaves should be split evenly between you and your brother, or both of you and all the grandchildren if she prefers. If someone (you) decides to gift their share to someone in more need, then that's up to them.

My parents just want to know that when they’re not here their son and his kids have a roof over their head. I can understand this, I’d feel the same.

But why does your brother and his kids not have a roof over their heads? And why is that either your or your parents responsibility? And how would you feel if your DD ended up without a roof over her head and all your share of the inheritance had gone to your son?

I have my own money, I don’t need to rely on my husbands. You are making a lot of decisions for your daughter based purely on her marrying someone and then him inheriting family money? Can’t you see how much could go wrong with that?

I think post explains why I think the split should be equal as well as one of your posts further down.

Your son and his partner have chosen careers that dont pay well.

It is their own choice. But it is your daughter who will pay for that choice.

And your mum will be funding that choice.

I was also given less by my parents as " I didn't need it" cos I had " a better job". And my siblings need more help.

What I do have is a job I hate that I wish I could quit and leave but have no choice but to keep working for now. I don't have a choice because no one is funding my choices or my ability to make a " bad choice".

Same with your brother further down. You say your mum and you keep giving him money- that's partly why he needs so much cash from you. No matter how much you give him he will always need more. Same with your son- he has made the choice tp have that career and same with his partner- it is their choice.

And by funding that choice you are likely putting them on the path to rely on more funding for their " bad choices"

My.mum helped my younger brother with his mortgage. Helped with deposit. And then helped him pat it off years early. He goes on regular holidays abroad etc which is fine. His mortgage has been paid off for nearly 10 years.

All the time I've been paying off a huge mortgage and moved house about 4 years ago into a suitable house for the family. Still paying off the mortgage got 20 years on it.

But my brother complains how he can't afford to move house into a house with a drive and back garden- he's currently in a huge 4 bed terrace. Small back yard. And complains how mum pushed him I to buying the wrong house and now no one will help him buy the next house. ( After enough bad decisions mum finally decided to stop funding his crap decisions. He actuallybought a holidayhouse abroad.)

He never had to struggle to buy his first house and doesn't have the ability to save and work to move up the housing ladder off his own back.

Think you can tell this is a sore subject for me.

Your daughter will probably resent you. And you don't know what can happen in the future. I could fall sick tomorrow and my family would have to sell the house and our lifestyle would change. ( I've got insurance so the house will be paid off). But my parents weren't to know any of this when I was at University.

Relying on your daughter’s partner to make her future is unreasonable. Keep it in the family.

They are not even engaged yet, anything could happen.

I think the money should be split between you and your brother, with a higher percentage to him if that’s what you want to do, then you should split the money equally between your DC.

it should be 50;50 to both kids equal

if she got divorced/didnt marry or got cut out - how would you feel then after saying do not let her have a penny?

This

I am most certainly not planning to disinherit my daughter! This is my mother’s money, not mine. In your last paragraph you explain how happy you are that you’ve all been treated equally, clearly equating money with love. I don’t. If my mum leaves everything to my db I’ll know it’s not that she loves me less but that she wants to know he has a roof over his head when he’s old!

You made an assumption that her boyfriend’s family have a business.. and I disagree with you. Money IS just about cash, not hierarchy. My db may have no money but he’s every bit as important in the family.

Surely it should be split fairly? Your daughter isn’t entitled to her future fiancé / husbands money and she (and you) can’t rely on that as her future.

There’s so many posts on here where women don’t have ‘their own money’ so when a divorce happens or whatever the issue is, they are stuck high and dry. And there’s so many posts where inheritances have caused issue and so many posts where siblings have been treated differently and it’s caused issues and resentment.

Your daughter should be seen as a person in her own right and you never know she may end up needing the money far more.

Your mum should split the money in four ways - her two children and her two grandchildren. Everyone gets an equal amount. If you don’t want the money then it could be split three ways.

You sound like my mum!
Lots of handwringing over my Goldenballed brother. Your poor DD.
The 20s is nothing, Goldenballs (GB)and his GF were paying higher rate tax in their 20s living a lush lifestyle, my mum adored their extravagance, DH & I were in poor pay sectors.
My mum was an utter pain at our frugal wedding, she thought my in-laws were wealthy (they weren't they had a detached house in a poor area) so no contribution because she'd helped GB with a house deposit.
We have the best candid picture of GB & girlfriend pissed off at each other and they split a year later.
GB pissed away his equity then cocklodged for the next 20 years.
Of course now with his poor mental health and his ket habit he got another deposit and gets trickle charged regular amounts.
I hope your DD shakes off the guilt and the obligation towards you sooner rather than later. My mum wraps her hand outs in this faux' mother's love' bollocks like we can't see through the wrapping paper.

Personally I have more respect for someone who follows their passion and loves what they do, than I have for someone who hates what they do but puts up with it so they can call themselves “rich” as you have done.

my mother will not cause a rift if she leaves money to one grandchild and not the other because I have brought up my children not to equate money with love.

My DC won’t be equal in life. DD is marrying an only child of wealthy parents, they’re both in a professional jobs. DS married a one of three to a single parent on benefits. DS however has great earning potential and DIL a good job with government pension. Who knows what the future will hold, I want more than anything for my DC to stay friends and love each other. I won’t cause a rift, both will get equal, whatever that means.

I don’t need any inheritance from my DM when the time comes, but she has split it equally despite me being the only carer for her and my first brother. I’m ok with that. Even though brother 2 lives away and IMO gets the easy ride and is asset rich but cash poor.

nothing is ever equal, but you need to treat your DC the same.

unfortunately sooner rather than later

Why? Why arent you overjoyed that your daughter will have a fantastic life?

This is the same for us. It has hugely affected our relationship with the sibling to such an extent that we only see them at family events and are unlikely to have any relationship with them after the parents have passed.

Unequal treatment has destroyed our sibling relationship. The parents are still alive and would be mortified if they knew, but what can we say? It is their money and they're choosing to support just one of their children.

Yeah, it kind of sounds like you dislike your daughter. You are being completely disingenuous to pretend that giving one child something and not the other wouldn’t be upsetting for them, under the wide eyed guise of how it apparently wouldn’t upset you.
I feel sad for your daughter.

Your children won't have equal circumstances because they've made different choices.

You subsidising your son's choices but not your daughter's means that he alone has had the luxury of making his choices without their natural consequences.

If you choose to finacially favour your son over your daughter and find yourself standing down the line in a mess of your own making (because your children have fallen out, your relationship with your daughter is damaged or because your daughter suddenly needs help and you have no resources left to offer her) please at least refrain from wringing your hands saying, "but I was only doing my best - how could I have known?!"

Posters here have spelled out to you the very foreseeable issues and you will now be making this choice with your eyes wide open.

"About to get engaged" to someone with money. Assuming all of that goes to plan, it still doesn't guarantee that she will profit from it; there are many threads here with stories of women left borderline penniless after their relationships have abruptly ended.

Honestly, if my mum were asking me such things about inheritance, I'd say that whatever it is she feels is appropriate to leave to my child/ren, I'd want it done equally so it isn't a cause of strife later on.

I wouldn't want it left to myself to then leave to the children, because if I knew I would be leaving it to them, it should just go directly to them. Also it means I wouldn't be 'involved' in any feelings which might arise.

Same I don't understand why your brother needs so much help.

You haven't explained this.

I don't think people work jobs they hate just because they want to be rich- sometimes it is the only choice to pay the bills.

If you can be bothered to read my overly long post above you'll see that's what I'm doing right now.

Maybe if I had been given a wad of cash like some of my siblings I could have worked part time/ been a housewife and spend a few hours a week " working on my passion".

She prob means her partners parents are gonna die.

You are so naive. Your poor daughter.