My children’s unequal futures

[Fetafettish]

Dd and ds are mid 20’s. They’ve both worked hard and doing well in their chosen fields. Dd is about to get engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years who, as an only child will inherit a multi million empire, unfortunately sooner rather than later.

Ds’s partner is on minimum wage and they will realistically never own their own home without help.

My mother was talking to me about her will- she is well aware I want her to spend every penny that doesn’t go on care. My brother needs money desperately whereas I don’t, so I have told her to leave everything to him, but am now thinking I should tell her to leave at least some of my share to my ds, her grandson?

I realise my dd may one day get divorced and no one has a crystal ball, but AIBU to try and even things out? It really upsets me that despite both working so hard, they’re going to have totally different lives.

Well put @Naunet I was just thinking how very Jane Austen it all sounds

I wish someone had bankrolled me to follow my passion (which would never have put a roof over my head of its own accord) but alas I had to get a proper job and fend for myself. I do still see a lot of people in the cultural sector whose salary for their “little job” is supplemented by family and tbh they are not always that well-respected. Mind you they probably don’t care a jot!

It's a bit Pride and Prejudice, isn't it? 😂

Additionally, feels a bit strange to make these decisions on behalf of your adult children. If DD feels financially secure and wants to forfeit her share of the inheritance to her brother, that's one thing. But to decide that for her feels disrespectful. She's not even getting a say here. And it baffles me that OP didn't even think of her children when the issue of inheritance first came up. We live in a society where you can basically kiss goodbye to any hope of owning your home these days, without a leg up from the Bank of Mum and Dad. OP's children will be well aware of this. I don't understand how it could be an afterthought to her, in any conversation about inheritance.

One option might be to have you and your DB inherit, uneven shares if you think that would give him more security. You could then use the money you inherit from your mum to help your DS buy a house, but the money remains yours to either be distributed equally between both dc or you could leave it to your DB at a later date. You could use a product such as a family springboard mortgage so the money remains protected but you have given ds a chance to get a property.

That way your DS can benefit from the money and buy somewhere but there is no longer term disparity in the distribution of cash.

My Mother plus DH Father left their entire estates to their favourite children, not us, neither of our sisters had any health issues, disabilities or cognitive issues they were just shit at life. It felt a bit like we were being punished for being successful.

@Fetafettish because by the time your parents die, your brother may have won the lottery and you may be homeless. And he may refuse to help you. And then he’ll inherit everything, be even richer, and you’ll still be homeless.

IMO, it should always be equal. Equal from your mother to you and your brother, and equal from you to your 2 dc.

Teaching is not an easy career.

I disagree that it would definitely cause a rift. As long as everyone is open about it I think it can be a very fair way to do things. My parents are leaving more or less everything to my brother. He needs the money I don’t. I absolutely know this is not about who they love more or who the favourite is. They know I am financially stable and will most likely always be. He is not. The truth is if I inherited from them it would go on some luxuries that I could pay for anyway. My brother will use it to survive and pay for his home, heating and food. Could you really “enjoy” an inheritance in those circumstances, I couldn’t! I will get my pick of anything sentimental, mother’s jewellery, family heirlooms, family photographs etc. That’s all I want.

How did you diagnose @Fetafettish being narcissistic through a thread she posted. Even experts in the area, need to meet the person and go though a lengthy assessment over a period of time to come to that conclusion.

I think inheritances should be split evenly irrespective of personal circumstances, disability excepted.

Hi @Fetafettish - just a slightly different perspective.

I am your brother/son in this scenario.

Of several siblings I am the one who doesn’t earn much, doesn’t have much and never will whereas they’re all quite well off. My parents are leaving their money evenly split (although we all encourage them to spend it enjoying life and/or get the best care should they ever need it and we can’t provide it).

I would be VERY upset to be the sole or majority recipient. I wouldn’t want that and that would leave me with a lot of bad feelings even if my siblings had all agreed, it would give me mental struggles and I wouldn’t accept the money.

Please don’t ask your mum to choose grandchildren. Treat them all equally for all their sakes.

Children should all be treated equally

I suggest an equal split. It’s the least likely to cause any upset

Agreed.

Oh no don't get involved, everything changes. What you predict never quite comes true anyhow. I married well but then through no fault of my DHs he got very ill and I'm now caring for him. It wasn't the life either of us imagined.

My grandad was always looking forward to a big inheritance, the person he was due to inherit from outlived him though. Anything could happen.

your children, now adults, have each made choices
stop interfering.

Not fair to attach all this guilt and expectation on your mum.
Your child is your responsibility. If you really think it's fair for her to leave everything to your brother, that's fine, but don't expect her to look after your son.

And being unequal with inheritance always seems to create issues in some way.

You absolutely have to treat your kids equally, regardless of how much more one may have. To not inherit anything whilst her brother did will be perceived as rejection by your DD and that you prefer your DS to her. It’s not your DDs fault that she is currently in a more financially stable situation than your DS. Treating them differently will cause a massive rift and possibly impact family relationships forever

In a relationship as financially unequal as your DD's, I imagine it would make a huge difference to your DD to have some money of her own.

I think you are really underestimating how hurtful it would be for your DD to be forgotten by her grandmother, while her brother receives a significant bequest. I think your plan is a very bad one and ill thought through.

I have 4 DC all adults and they will have different socio economic statuses some much more well off than others. We plan to leave our estate equally between them. It’s the only thing to do then they can decide what to do with it there’s already talk about 2 buying out the others in order to keep the house in the family as we’re rather close to a beach!

I have two children, both grown up. One went to a Russell Group university and is married, with a stellar career. The other has a learning disability and mental health issues which means they need 24/7 care. My will leaves them each 50% of whatever assets I leave when I'm done. I value them both.

I think an even split seems the most reasonable. My parents didn’t inherit squat but did well for themselves. Us kids did well and my siblings have more however they have chosen not to go down the family road. I have. Because of my life choices, I’ll have extra expenses the rest of my life compared to my siblings because of my DC.

I’m grateful to get anything and as I understand, my parents will leave it all equally to us. I don’t need it, through working my whole life and DH also working hard, we have what we need anyway with no leg up from anyone.

I know of plenty of cases where there are disparities due to different partnerships and life choices. Everything gets divided equally regardless.

You seem to be very directive to your mother about what she should do. Just support her to do what she wants to do without influence.

erm..what about you? Nursing homes are £1800 a week, Honestly, you might need it. YOur children can inherit from you. Make the most of tax free amount