My children’s unequal futures

[Fetafettish]

Dd and ds are mid 20’s. They’ve both worked hard and doing well in their chosen fields. Dd is about to get engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years who, as an only child will inherit a multi million empire, unfortunately sooner rather than later.

Ds’s partner is on minimum wage and they will realistically never own their own home without help.

My mother was talking to me about her will- she is well aware I want her to spend every penny that doesn’t go on care. My brother needs money desperately whereas I don’t, so I have told her to leave everything to him, but am now thinking I should tell her to leave at least some of my share to my ds, her grandson?

I realise my dd may one day get divorced and no one has a crystal ball, but AIBU to try and even things out? It really upsets me that despite both working so hard, they’re going to have totally different lives.

That's not what you've said. You've said you're thinking of suggesting to your mum that she leaves money to your son.

And if you discuss with your daughter, given her current situation and the fact you're suggesting that this is a good call for your brother, how can she say she's not happy with it without sounding greedy?

Your daughter’s partner’s wealth (ie not truly hers) would really not be comparable to her brother’s personal wealth, even if they did marry.

There is no security like having your own personal wealth to fall back on if shit hits the fan in a marriage - as happens half(?) the time. So I would never do that to my daughter.

I also wouldn’t get involved in someone’s will. I’d be saying “It’s your will to write” and leaving it at that. Of course what you do with your money is on you but I’d really worry about being the cause of resentment or conflict between my own children by treating them unfairly. They would be a huge regret for me personally.

Why do you think your dd is going to be so happy to be disinherited? No one would be okay, no matter how well you think you have brainwashed her, this is going to really hurt her.

We are now 11 pages in, and not once have you corrected any of the very many posts saying you favour your son.

We are strangers and even we can see it, you idolise him and clearly are willing to do anything to make life more comfortable for him, and him only.

You are not listening to all of these posts warning you not to do this…because you don’t really care do you. For you it’s worth it, whatever the fall out.

Have you ever heard of the cost of living crises? Only on MN can no compassion be shown.

I’ve seen inheritance based on “need” push siblings apart.
one sibling a teacher (male) the other a lawyer (female)

The father left most inheritance to son, because he was “only” a teacher.

The dad died earlier than expected - the daughter furious to be treated “less than” for choosing a challenging education, & career.

In her opinion, her brother got rewarded for choosing “easier” career and she got rejected for her career.

Its years later, the brother is a head teacher so not poor.

Regardless of life choices, many children want to be treated equally by parents. It hurts to be judged.

Not really.

The replies are directed towards op.

If you want a discussion and find out how people really feel about your situation best to make a thread so you can see whether people think it is horrid in your situation or not.

Anything other than 50-50 is just likely to cause upset, hardly what I imagine your mother would want as her legacy.

This post reminds me of the situation with my brother and me. I made sensible financial decisions, he didn’t. I worked hard at school / uni and made sensible choices; he didn’t.

He then got all the help my parents could give him, and then all the help they should have given me if things were equal, because I was set to do better financially.

Now after years of financial abuse, my STBXH is rinsing me through the courts, not paying anything towards our DC, and my brother is sitting pretty with a big house and a rental property to boot, all seeded by the money my parents had given him, including the money I was originally supposed to have been given.

11 pages in and you’re still determined you’re right, OP. What was the point of posting?

Have your kids heard of it?

I'm not bored. But I'll put my hands up to being over-invested in this thread though. (I do have a modicum of self-knowledge OP).

Because I saw what a similar situation did to one of my parents who'd married someone due to inherit a trust fund worth annually twice their professional salary (ie. my other parent).

My parent was silently disinherited because presumably, they'd "married money," just like your DD.

This caused deep upset about WHY their father had disinherited them, which lasted the rest of their life. It was not about the money; it was about what being left out of their father's last will (last act) meant. Left out of his last thoughts & intentions. Horrible to watch. Luckily, my aunts and uncles redistributed their father's estate so my parent inherited an equal share.

No, I don’t need a discussion about it, I gave my thoughts and situation and i’m replying to people who have actually tagged me. That’s how this forum works.

Have you heard about the fact that inheritance is not a "marital asset"? So, pre-nup or not, as it's inherited wealth, your daughter may not be entitled to any of it, which leaves her very vulnerable if her partner decides he doesn't want her to have any access to it or they split.

She'll also be impacted by cost of living. Everyone is.

This.

Your DD is probably a lovely young woman, with a high ethical code, because that's the way you've brought her up.

If you asked her "How would you feel if I left everything to your brother?" how could she say, "Actually, that would be very unfair." Particularly as she knows that you want to "even things up." It would not be a free or fair question.

Talk about emotional blackmail ...

That is a ridiculous thing to say. None of us equate money with love but estates in general should be equally shared and if one sibling doesn’t need the money then surely they can hand over their share to the less well off sibling ?

Ok thank you for explaining, now I understand and I’m listening. I’m sorry your parent felt that way and pleased things were levelled up.

It’s positively narcissistic. Just a point blank refusal to acknowledge others apart from her son mirroring adoration.

I sincerely hope DDs dh to be is a wonderful man because she is absolutely screwed if she is relying on her mother for anything but indifference/contempt.

This is ridiculous!?

Your DS and DD make their own choices of partner. Maybe money comes into it, maybe it doesn't, but you agonising over their finances seems weird. They should (and presumably are) choosing who/what makes them happy (or hopefully will...)

Secondly... your DS is... well, a man. Rightly or wrongly, he is likely to have an advantage in terms of work/career/earnings over your DD. He may well end up earning plenty of money, to write him off as "never being able to own a home" because his partner is (currently, in her 20s) on minimum wage sounds really odd and to be honest, if I was him I'd be insulted. "Thanks Mum for having so much confidence in me. Now fuck off"

Leave it alone I say...

Why? Why is your brother inheriting but you and your sisters are not?

Equal shares is absolutely the only way to go unless you want your children never to speak to each other ever again once the will is read. honestly, don't meddle.
My brother has made poor decisions all his life and worked in minimum wage jobs. He's had thousands and thousands from my mum. He has visited mum about twice in the 10 years she's been in care.
I don't bear him any malice but when my sister suggested giving him a bit extra from our three way inheritance, I shut it down. If she wants to from her share, that's fine but I don't. I need the money (it's not a fortune) as much as he does.

No, OP please don't do that. Like it or not, people see money as love. Less money, less love. It destroys families.

So why do you need the thread?
if you don’t equate money with love, your son has less money than your daughter and you’ve brought them up to view money equitably not equally… then you don’t need mumsnet, do you?

I understand where you are coming from. For some people no matter what inheritance should be equally divided. I agree with it in most cases but there are exceptions like in your brother case where there are other fa tors to consider. Generally, if your parents who brought you and your siblings up with love and equality, you will have understanding in special circumstances like you have towards your mother about your brother needing it more.
I also dont think you are being unfair in wanting to help your son more than your daughter.

Your son chose to date someone on minimum wage. If he aspires to have a higher combined income with a partner, he is perfectly at liberty to ditch her and seek out a woman on a higher salary.

Op's both children worked hard unlike in your situation. Op's dd will have more comfortable life through her rich finace. Both situations are different.