I don’t want my mum to tag along to every holiday

[Birdsongjacky]

My dad is now in a care home, my mum has got a difficult personality (narcissistic/BPD/manipulative - not sure but you get the idea!) and has always had a major obsession with holidays and always been jealous of people on holiday. Since my dad can no longer go away and is only really with us in mind now, she has turned largely to me to take her on holiday with us (I am married with young children). The problem is, the 2 occasions we have taken her have essentially ruined it for me because I am a massive people pleaser and I find it is just another dependent human being who I have to factor in to plans. She doesn’t have the same ideas or priorities as me (my focus is on my children) she’s really demanding about being busy during the day and not returning to the accommodation for a chill or spending the day on the beach when we would prefer the pool etc. the most recent time I wanted to call time on a day out because we were soaked through, the kids were tired and grumpy, and she basically fell out with me for not giving her a full day experience.

any destination I mention she has started saying “can I come?” Which is also really awkward. To make matters worse when she is with us she is very dependent, she doesn’t eg prepare the evening meal, or bring a packed lunch, she sits there expectantly, and it really winds me up.

essentially, I don’t mind incorporating her in to some (shorter) trips, but want to preserve perhaps bigger family holidays to my little family unit, but am just overwhelmed with guilt and fear of telling her we want to go alone.

anyone had something similar?

Book a camping trip?

Friend has a mum like yours. Everything she tells her is on a need to know basis. E.g. don't tell her you are going away, when she telephones and you are on holiday, just casually say that you've popped to Cornwall for a couple of days and will speak when you get back.

It's rarely that easy though. What if they go somewhere more exotic? Op can hardly say "We've just popped to Jamaica, I'll speak to you when I get back".

A) You can't take a call abroad without is costing a fortune. Op's Mum might not be able to text (like my Dad - no idea where a text goes to on his phone)

B) Mum is likely to say "Whaaaat? How come you didn't mention this?"

C) Op might need to put things in place to look after Mum in her absence. Mum would need to know, that next week a sibling will be doing the Asda shop.

So many of these suggestions just won't work in the real world, with a very dependant parent.

oh bless you OP you have it rough with her and people pleasing!!

just book your holiday, do not tell her until you have too and "its just us this time"

I love going away with my parents, but difference being is they run off and do their own thing, we do ours and meet up etc - it works. But in this situation you need to protect your family unit!

Tell her nothing and be strong. "no, not this time, but mabey we could do x together" (day out or something)
she is not your problem to entertain!

My mum would be like this and it’s so hard to stand up to them, especially when you don’t like rocking the boat. Can’t you suggest some sort of group holiday for older people? (I don’t even know if these sorts of holidays exist). Where she can meet people her own age and socialise with other adults. Dress it up as something much nicer than dragging around with kids.
Then include her in short breaks if you feel bad about it? Or book an All inclusive resort holiday, where the kids can swim all day and you can only laze by the pool- make it unappealing to someone who likes doing loads of stuff x

We dont bring her op. Wants things her way. She doesnt like it. 80s. My sister said today in cafe with mam breaks are expensive enough. Think if u do it once... my husband works hard all year so no I dont bring her. Im vague if asked.

Vagueness is your friend OP, keep it general, keep it vague. Ask a lot of questions but practice avoiding giving direct answers yourself.

”Are you booking a holiday” “Oooh I don’t really know, it’s so expensive everywhere isn’t it? And it’s hard for OH to get time off at the moment (long dull anecdote about OH’s job and Kelly being on maternity leave).

It's a last minute holiday to Jamaica, and you only booked it yesterday.... Or let her know evening before you go, that you've booked a last minute holiday and will be in touch when you get back. It just takes a little cunning.

Don't tell her your going away. Get a bsckbone and tell her no.

It’s totally unreasonable for your mother to keep inviting herself on your family holidays, let alone there be any expectation or o ligation for you to say yes. And that’s before you then layer on her behaviour when she’s away with you.

So just politely say “Sorry Mum, we want a family holiday just the four of us - I’m sure you’ll understand. Please don’t ask us each time we go away.” And then prepare to be blunt if she doesn’t take no for an answer.

But it's NOT a kind thing to do!

It ruins your holiday, and she's a PITA. Or did he not notice her being the PITA because you were smoothing it all over for him?

Practice in the mirror OP, whatever sentence you are happy with. You can do this. The relief you will feel on holiday without her will outweigh any guilt you think you might feel.

You and your family deserve a break that is just focused on each other.

I think a lot of people subconsciously see their children as an extension of them. And this means that if they are people pleasers, they sometimes put pleasing other people over their children as well as themselves.

Use being a mum to get out of this mindset. If you can't prioritise yourself by telling your mum you want time with your family unit, remind yourself that telling her no means putting your children first too. Hopefully once you are used to saying the words (and dealing with the fallout), you'll find it easier to prioritise your own happiness too.

OP, I totally understand. My dad died a decade ago and I’m a single parent (I have siblings but they’re all married). It is very much viewed as my job to take my mum on holiday but she’s such a flipping misery! She also picks at my kids a lot. Like you though, I find it really hard to say no to her. My mum would be entirely alone if I went no contact with her and her health would suffer too. I just can’t do that to her because despite all her faults, she’s my mum. I have really worked on boundaries with her. It’s been SO hard and she guilts me a lot but I reassure myself that actually I’m a very good daughter and I do a lot for her. This year we’re going on two shorter holidays: one with her and one without. I’ve already raised that next summer will be just me and my kids. She wasn’t delighted but I’ve told her now. One of the things I do is I decide two options that I’m happy with/my kids are happy with and present her with those two options. Means I stay in control. Sending a hug - it’s hard and I get it x

You’re just going to have to say no to her! Why not say that she can come on a weekend break, but tell her you really need to relax so will be going on your main holidays with your family only?

She doesn’t sound bothered about hurting your feelings, so match her energy…

Well they’re only learning how to deal with over bearing unpleasant people by people pleasing! The exact quality OP doesn’t like in herself. How are they going to learn how to set boundaries and have standards for what behaviour they tolerate if they don’t see that modelled for them. OP can’t easily change her people pleasing but that’s why her DH should step in and help set those boundaries for her e.g telling OP he supports her not inviting her mum and re-assuring her it doesn’t make her a bad person.

don't tell her your plans. Book your holiday and go. You don't need to keep her updated of your every move.

I wouldn’t want to subject a narcissistic, manipulative and deeply unpleasant person upon anyone, let alone my family.

And as for the suggestions of this abusive woman going on group holidays with other solo travellers… I mean, would you want to go on holiday with someone like this?

Exactly

Hang on… you are seriously suggesting the OP doesn’t go abroad anymore just to avoid her mother tagging along? @SprinkleTheCat

This

Where did I say that? I said don't tell her as in don't tell her you are going abroad next time... Fib money has gotten tight and take her on local trips.

so you’re saying the op does take annual abroad holidays

but says she’s not going away abroad and then makes the kids lie? And never lets it slip? And just goes awol for a week/fortnight once a year?

No words!

Think I've found Ops mother folks.