I don’t want my mum to tag along to every holiday

[Birdsongjacky]

My dad is now in a care home, my mum has got a difficult personality (narcissistic/BPD/manipulative - not sure but you get the idea!) and has always had a major obsession with holidays and always been jealous of people on holiday. Since my dad can no longer go away and is only really with us in mind now, she has turned largely to me to take her on holiday with us (I am married with young children). The problem is, the 2 occasions we have taken her have essentially ruined it for me because I am a massive people pleaser and I find it is just another dependent human being who I have to factor in to plans. She doesn’t have the same ideas or priorities as me (my focus is on my children) she’s really demanding about being busy during the day and not returning to the accommodation for a chill or spending the day on the beach when we would prefer the pool etc. the most recent time I wanted to call time on a day out because we were soaked through, the kids were tired and grumpy, and she basically fell out with me for not giving her a full day experience.

any destination I mention she has started saying “can I come?” Which is also really awkward. To make matters worse when she is with us she is very dependent, she doesn’t eg prepare the evening meal, or bring a packed lunch, she sits there expectantly, and it really winds me up.

essentially, I don’t mind incorporating her in to some (shorter) trips, but want to preserve perhaps bigger family holidays to my little family unit, but am just overwhelmed with guilt and fear of telling her we want to go alone.

anyone had something similar?

Does she know that she is ruining your holidays? Are you expressing the impact she’s having on you and your feelings? Don’t allow her feelings to be the only ones to be expressed. Yours matter too.

Why? Why are you suggesting the Op holiday alone with a narcissistic, manipulative very unpleasant sounding woman?

If you’re going to do anything with this narcissistic BPD manipulative person Op, make it a course of therapy

There's your problem then because you both think it's a kind thing to invite a trouble maker on holiday. You need to be concerned about pleasing your kids and not your mother.

Get some therapy and work on your boundaries, you can't change your mum but you can change how you respond to her.

I imagine your husband has quite a messed up relationship with parents that failed him Op… for him to think this was “kind”

This is easy, OP - just stop telling her! Book your holidays and go. She doesn't need to know anything about it.
It's not your responsibility to make her happy.

Honestly I would organise it and keep silent until you are there. Send her a postcard and act as though she knew all along and must have forgotten because she didn’t enjoy the last couple of trips with the kids.

Oh god l have this too op - we have taken her a couple of times but now it is expected. It's just someone else's needs to take into consideration.

Silly comment. I totally get why they would think it kind to include the mother as she’s alone. That doesn’t mean they find her easy.

Agree. People really do extrapolate a lot on here…

Did you miss the op described her mother as a narcissist, manipulative?

“Kind” would be advocating for his wife and when he witnesses his mil putting his wife down, criticising and generally being very nasty, to tell her - in no uncertain terms, to stop this abuse immediately or she will be asked to leave

Different benchmark for what constitutes kindness

I only read the op. Those words are overused on Mumsnet. Mother -daughter relationships can be tricky even when you get on well. It sounded as though he was supporting his wife’s choices rather than demanding she bring her because he thought it was kind .

Well maybe read the thread before ploughing in with criticism

So now you’re also criticising the op and questioning her view of her own mother

ok

Don't tell her about any holidays you book until the day before you leave.
If there's a risk the kids could tell her, don't tell them either until the day before.

I’m not criticising. Calm down.

I have said in an earlier post that I understand and suggest a smaller break with mum if that helps but keep family holidays separate.

“Silly”?

implying the Op has used hyperbole to describe her mother’s abuse?

But you haven’t bothered to read the thread so hey ho

But why would a holiday alone with a narcissistic manipulative highly critical woman be a good idea for the Op?

Right you are officer!

Thank you!

You sound very much like my cousin. I'd tell you what I've told her on countless occasions. You can't please someone like your mother, you will never receive the love that you give so freely to your own children from her. She's inherently selfish and always will be.

What you can do if you absolutely want some form of a relationship is instil boundaries. So she can come away with you on days out,even a long weekend if you can stomach it but not abroad. Holidays abroad are for your unit and a chance for you all to relax (as much as you can with kids). She will push back and emotionally blackmail you but this is where you need to be strong and keep an image of your dh and kids at the forefront. It will not be easy but you have to stick to your mantra on repeat and not be swayed by silent treatment or tears.