‘Child-free’ wedding

[BeZanyUmberBird]

I know this is a contentious issue but my fiancé and I always intended to have a child-free wedding. We sent out the invitations 3 months ago and everyone worked it out. In our circles most people don’t have children or were keen to have a day away from them to have a relaxing time! The other day my fiancé’s brother sent him a message saying that he was really upset his son wasn’t invited (10) and that we needed to invited him or his wife wouldn’t come.
without dripfeeding, this boy is a PITA and we don’t really know him. Despite him being family he never engages with us when we see him and is more interested in his Nintendo switch. I’m keen for us to stick to what we decided but my DF has been guilt tripped into saying he can come. Now I’m annoyed because a) I feel like we’ve been emotionally manipulated into saying yes and b) DF didn’t discuss it with me. He says we can go back on it but then I’ll look like the AH for putting my foot down and it’ll be awkward. I also feel bad because I know my bridesmaids would have loved to have their kids there and have bent over backwards to sort out childcare. AIBU? Or what do I do? Suck it up?

Nothing wrong with a child free wedding but be prepared for people not to come.

It is what it is. I had this recently. Didn't want to go and leave my DS overnight. Bride threw an absolute fit about it. Hasn't spoken to me since.

I think you have to do what you and your partner want and just accept some people won't come.

If you allow one child it will put a bitter taste in people's mouths that theirs couldn't come. Or not - some might be glad for an excuse for the night off!

I know! It sounded so childish like OP was saying they don’t pay us any attention!!! Like they we’re ten!

I always find these threads so alien as I’m from a family where the dc are very much part of the family. I can understand not inviting friends’ dc but excluding my brother’s dc would have been a massive deal. Thankfully my dc have always been very welcome at all family weddings. I do appreciate different families are different. I’ve never seen badly behaved dc at a wedding - badly behaved grown ups? Absolutely 😂

So one day the nephew gets married and excludes you, how would you feel

You're perfectly entitled to have a child free wedding and your fiance shouldn't have offered an invite without consulting you.

However excluding his one nephew when he's close enough to his brother to have him as best man is going to set you on a collision course with the inlaws and you'll come off looking worse no matter how much of a pain in the arse the nephew is. I would tread carefully in these circumstances.

Tell him the kid will be bored, there are no other children, no internet, & if he misbehaves he will have to be taken home

We had a very small, child free wedding (as in no children under 10). 3 days before the wedding we inadvertently discovered that DH’s cousin was planning to bring her 3 year old son. A very difficult conversation had to happen reminding her that her son could not be accommodated at the reception. So her DH had to miss it & mind the child.
Ironically when she had got married 2 years earlier my DD was not invited & we respected that.

I think a lot of the reason people include immediate family is because the alternative childcare is at the wedding! So bridesmaids who are not family may have more people that can look after their children than a SIL whose family is actually at the wedding. Of course there are exceptions but most people I know would use family for childcare that was the length of a wedding.

Or they enjoy child free weddings.

I practically groan when I get an invite and my DC are invited too.

Is nephew the only child that is related to the wedding party?

If so then you could suck it up, and make apologies to the bridesmaids and others who had to find childcare with a 'only because he's close family excuse'.

That protects your future relationship with your BIL and SIL, but gives you an out against grumbling from the other parents.

I don't think he'll be much bother at the wedding based on your description - will probaby find a quiet corner with a phone or tablet.

However, if you have any other nieces and nephews and they have also been excluded then I think you should suck it up the other way and tell BIL and SIL that unfortunately there's no room for all the nieces and nephews so would be unfair to have just one there.

Not having your PITA child invited to a wedding is the consequence of having a PITA child.

I have very little sympathy for parents of annoying and badly behaved children when they're not invited to weddings (family or not). If you want your child to be included in people's special (and often expensive) events, then improve your chances by ensuring you adequately parent your child so they aren't disruptive to everyone else.

Would have loved to have them there. Ergo they aren’t going. Child care so they can still attend. Without their kids.

Stick to your guns. You'll always piss someone off.

My aunty didn't turn up to my wedding (didn't inform me) because I hadn't invited her sons, my cousin's, but had invited other cousins - I'd not seen her kids in 15years, where as see other cousins regularly. They weren't my only cousins I didn't invite.

I much prefer a child free wedding. My mum insisted I bring my kids to her wedding then got grumpy with me when we left early because both kids cried for ages because they were tired and overstimulated and the music was too loud for them.

Well what did you expect, you did such a mean thing. What goes round comes round and bites you on the arse.
Child free, how rude.

Accept that you cannot exclude family based on age and face zero consequences.

If someone is able not to bring their kid(s) to your 12 hour boredom-fest, they'd leave them at home.

But excluding family and causing them such a huge inconvenience for the privilege of attending your tedious event isn't a great way to start your family life despite what socials tell you.

20 years ago but from what I can remember it was an endless monologue of stories in a voice that carried about.
It just dominated the table, we couldn't hear ourselves.
Someone who knew them said "ok ok take a breathe" with a smile but no shutting her up.

Loud enough and close enough to us that it felt impossible to hold a conversation.
Hugely indulged.
I have never seen the like before or since.
We left the table the minute we had eaten and didn't return.

It was a day out for us without our children which had taken some organising, but it was an old friend of my husband that I liked and we made the effort as a result.

You are paying for it!
Really OP.

I'd be rethinking that.
So disrespectful of you.

@Disco2022

thats great for you but op wants a child free wedding so that’s what she’s going to have

@Coffeemat

eh? What’s disrespectful of Op?

@Ifpicklesweretickles

child free weddings are not mean.
Children don’t have to be included in every single thing. It’s fine to have adult only events - you should try them sometime! Have some cocktails and let your hair down!

Maybe he could invite some of his mates from
school to keep him company?

So disrespectful of her to agree to a child attending their wedding, that they both find annoying, because he has been cornered with an ultimatum.

She is paying for the whole wedding and he disrespects her like that?

I'd be rethinking the wedding.

It's your wedding and so your rules. That said, I do think it's a bit rude to not include children of close relatives.

Do you know what entitled means? How is it entitled to enjoy the company of my friends and family?

In the end, regardless of what our views are, and I do like to live in a world that has a myriad of people and views, if you don't want kids there at all then stick to that and have the day the way you want it. People will either forgive you and understand or they won't.